I wrote the whole thing and I still don't know what to call it!

There are many things that I could talk about, and in time I will. But today, I don't really know what to say, just that I know there something inside of me that just wants to get out.
I feel like I've been all over the map lately. Am I getting too serious? It's like everything suddenly matters more than it should, almost like there's some sort of sense of urgency pushing me into inactivity. I'm almost paralysed by a sense of foreboding, though that may be a bit heavy-handed. I want to just hang out, get to know others, get to know myself, but it's like everytime I go to do something, I completely overanalyze each move, and end up not doing anything.
Actually, that's what's bugging me, at least partly. Now, I'm not sure exactly where the pressure is coming from, whether it is internal or external, but there seems to be a pressure that I feel pushing me to analyse everything that I do to the point of immobility. If I want to talk to someone, I'm suddenly considering whether or not they may be busy, perhaps already have plans. Perhaps they don't actually want to talk to me and I would just be intruding (a common fear/feeling of mine, but I'll discuss that later). What exactly should I say? If I say this, how will it be interpreted, as opposed to saying that, which could be taken wrong in the following ways. I definitely can't talk to any girls because they would assume that I am just trying to date them (again, a common fear, which I will discuss at some point). Does anyone even like me anyway. If they don't try to talk to me, why should I try to talk to them. I'm so alone. I'm so abandoned. My life sucks. God hates me...
You see how this can be a harmful path to start down. I don't think I've descended down to those last bits, but I could quite easily. Like I said, I feel like I have to overanalyse everything, and it's getting to me. My life has always been one that didn't require much planning. Things just happen, and I accept those things. Suddenly, lately, I feel like I have been losing the ability to roll with the punches. Or, maybe, like there are no punches being rolled my way.
I have been trying lately to be more deliberate in some of the things that I do, mostly related to building relationships. I have felt many times like I am pretty much without friends, to a certain extent. Peter is my friend, and so are my brothers, but there are days when I feel like that is it. It's a weird sort of dynamic I have going, because I'm not someone who needs a ton of friends, so it's not like I'm sorely lacking in quantity. But I do want to make more friends. Who doesn't? But it is something that I really am not naturally gifted at, and frankly sometimes I'm too lazy/scared for my own good. And there is a great deal of bitterness that I'm not sure I've ever really dealt with.
All my life I've been slightly envious/bitter of the the 'cool kids', the people who have lots of friends and...actually, it's not the lots of friends. It's more a matter of the time spent together. I spent most of high school at home alone. Heck, even in college I didn't really have a burgeoning social life, especially the years I spent away from school. It's like I was never really accepted in to any sort of social circle, even if I got along with the people in it. I would just buzz around the edge, tolerated, maybe even enjoyed, but only when I was around. Out of sight, out of mind.
How hard of a person am I to get to know? I think the answer is pretty hard in some ways. It's not that I don't want people to get to know me, it's just that I'm not very good at talking. And I feel like I'm not very important, or that there isn't much interesting about me that I can talk about. I'm not very assertive, so in groups, I tend to hold my tongue because I just can't find a good place to jump in, and even when I do, I tend to only get half a thought out before someone else jumps in and my point is lost (that's another irritant that I might talk about some day). I feel that I am a bit odd, not in a bad way, but I often don't want to do some of the things that groups want to do. I'm rather indecisive, mostly because I don't want to make a decision that someone doesn't like, so it's easier just to not decide. Plus I don't know exactly what I want half of the time anyway.
But then, I feel like there is very little effort made by groups of people to include new people. I guess those would be known as cliques by some. It's a two way street. If I want to make friends, I have to be a friend, etc. But then the fears that I'm not really liked, just tolerated, rear their head. Why would I want to spend time with people if it just makes them uncomfortable. I start to look at everything they say and do and analyse it, always finding multiple ways to interpret everything, completely unable to pick one interpretation. It turns into a major production (in my head anyway) and just entirely too difficult to do anything, so instead I do nothing. But I do get bitter. At least I have in the past.
I still think that groups of people tend to do very little to allow new people in unless those people are very outgoing and kind of force their way in. Actually, that shows a bit of how I tend to think about such things. In my mind, I have to be invited to anything, I can't just invite myself. If someone says that they are going to a movie, I will never ask to come. The only way I'm going is if they ask me to come. I often won't even say that I want to see the movie because if they invited me after that then I would feel like I coerced them in to inviting me against their will, just in an effort to be polite. See what I mean by overanalysing? But as I was saying, I feel like the only way to get 'into' these social groups is to force my way in, and I just can't do that.
Maybe I just need to rethink that. Maybe I'm getting too concerned with social groups in general.
Aaargh. This is exactly what happens ALL THE TIME. I have thought, then I rethink it, then I flop back on myself, then I backtrack until I don't even know what I was thinking.
It's all the fear. I'm just scared of the perceptions. I don't know what people will think when I do/say something, and it bothers me. I only want people to like me, and I don't know how to do that except to be kind of goofy. And then I tend to keep people at a distance and they don't get to know me, so they have no reason to think of me when I'm not around.
I really need to stop caring about what other people think, to a certain extent. I have to just get myself out there, get to know people. I need to be me.
And me is a slightly odd fellow who is completely able to find humour in any situation, but also able to be completely serious. I have opinions, many of them relating to how pointless I find many opinions. I bet people would like me if I just go to know them, and let them know me.
Another problem I have is that I don't really like planning ahead. As far as I'm concerned, unless it's something that has to be planned ahead (such as buying tickets to the symphony, something I would like to do this year...anyone with me?), I'm perfectly fine and in fact prefer to just call someone up and just do something. Sadly, I don't really know anyone else who is capable of regularly doing that because everyone I know is usually entirely too busy, either with school or with other friends that are already taking up their time so that they are busy all the time and have to plan out ahead.
I hope no one thinks that I am trying to blame anything on other people. Like I said, I think many people don't really make much effort to include new people, but frankly, I do almost nothing to give anyone reason to include me.
At this point, I just want to say thank you for reading through this and letting me get it off my chest. It is my goal in life to be completely (appropriately) transparent, and it is in forums like this that I'm best able to do that. Anything I mention here is completely open for discussion if you are ever talking to me. I actually don't mind having serious conversations, though I'm best at those one on one because of the reasons I gave earlier.
I'm going to stop typing now. Except for the title, cuz I do those last.