fan·ta·sy n. pl. fan·ta·sies: The creative imagination; unrestrained fancy

Right now my church is doing a set of sermons on SEX. I know, I know, I can't use that word on the internet, but I guess I've always been a rebel. Last week's sermon was entitled "Virtual Sex". When you say that, the first thing that pops in to most people's minds is internet porn, or just porn in general. I know that was my first thought.
That wasn't really the focus (completely) of the sermon. It did play a part, but it wasn't the entirety of the message. In fact, what he spoke about was much more broad. Far more dangerous was fantasy. I'm not talking the stories about dragons, knights, and fair lasses in distress. Nor am I talking 'mind-porn' (which is what I call porn that you see/create in your head alone), although that is certainly an aspect of it. What fantasy refers to is living out life in your head instead of living real life. This is what often leads to affairs or heading for the computer to sneak around the dark alleys of cyberspace. It is taking situations further in your head than they have in reality. For example, it's when you see a pretty girl and start thinking about her and having conversations with her and just building her up in your mind without ever actually talking to her. You have a complete relationship solely in your head. And then you might start changing things you do in an effort to make this fantasy come true, such as rearranging your schedule to 'accidentally' run across this person. Or you just leave it in your head, but it still takes away from your relationship with your spouse and with God. If you don't currently have a spouse, it takes away from your relationship with your future spouse.
There was much more to the sermon, but what mostly struck me was this talk about fantasy, because that is what hit home the most. I am blessed with a very creative imagination, and I have noticed that I spend gobs of time fantasizing about different things. This is why I wanted to make sure fantasy was well defined. Most of what I think about isn't anything 'bad, per se. Often it's just about different situations in life. However, it takes my focus away from real life where it should be, and can at times really affect me emotionally.
I'll give a couple examples of the kind of fantasies that I have had, and then say why they were bad.
The first was one that was kind of fun. I daydreamed that I had somehow gained superpowers (very similar to Spider-man's, cuz I'm a geekboy fan). That was okay. And then I started crafting an entire world around it. Soon, there was an entire team of us, and we were government sponsored (that's how we had got our powers). For some reason no one knew my identity (I didn't flesh that part out), and I fought really hard to keep it a secret because...why? I decided it was to protect my family. So who was my family. Just my five year old daughter. My wife had died in childbirth shortly after I got my powers, a negative side-effect of the powers. The reason I did this was because there was a woman on the team of super-heroes who I was interested in, so I couldn't have a wife at the same time. Eventually I brought the woman home to meet my daughter, and that was when she finally understood why I had never revealed my identity to her before (I had by that time). That was about as far as I got before I ended that little melo-drama. But it kept me occupied for at least a week, maybe two.
The fantasy world was from a couple years ago. There was a girl that I kind of liked, and so in my head I started to explore that possibility. I had great conversations with her and found a million different ways to start dating her. Every time I saw her this flashed through my head, how she would swoon over me and just be completely willing to be the special lady in my life. Then one day at church, I noticed her standing beside a guy, and just the way they were standing made me realise they were dating (or almost dating, I'm not exactly sure of the timing). They weren't holding hands or even standing particularly close, but somehow I could tell. There was just something that tipped it off. I was devestated. I actually spent the next couple days feeling like I had been kicked in the gut. The woman I loved had been stolen away right from under my nose.
Both of these fantasies appear to be fairly harmless; there wasn't even any sexy clothing, let alone actual sex (there's that word again). But I can tell they were not kosher because as I was writing them I was feeling very nervous and shaky because I was revealing the intimate details of my love life. And it all happened in my head. There was absolutely no reality whatsoever. And this happens all the time. I allow myself to live out a fascinating and rich social life in my head but I never make the effort to connect with people even a tenth as much in reality. I let these thoughts crowd out any thoughts of God I could have. I get so emotionally wrapped up in the fantasy and I have nothing left to spend on reality. And yes, I sometimes allow these fantasies to wander to far, I am sorry to say. In many ways it is kind of sad. Somehow I have let these moments of fantasy become so important that I would rather indulge in them than deal with reality. When I'm at work I would rather spend my time thinking about my super-powered girlfriend than talk with my co-workers. I'm so far in a relationship in my head that anything else completely devastates me. I have been to the point of marriage in my mind more than once.
These past few days have been tough. I have really been watching what I think and how I spend my time thinking, and I fully noticed how much time I spent in these worlds (even right now I can feel the desire to go back to the world of superheroes, where I'm fighting off bad guys as I try to get my daughter to school on time). It surprised me how much time I spent just fantasizing about nothing. I have spent countless hours playing solitaire and 'relaxing', hours that were nothing more than pointless fantasy, time I could have spent making real relationships with people on MSN or getting to know people some other ways. It's to the point where I feel like I can't go to bed unless I've 'relaxed' in this manner for a while (usually 30+ minutes) beforehand. However, in the past few days I have made a conscious effort to keep my mind firmly fixed on reality. That means every time I start to drift off I quickly turn it in a conversation with God. Or I start to think about more practical things, such as remembering what I have to do that day, or preparing myself mentally for things that are coming up (such as the Home and Garden show at the Roundup Centre, starting noon Thursday until 9pm Sunday. Come on down! I work Thursday till fourish and Friday until fourish). Another thing I do is allow myself to fall in to a fantasy world, but this world is one that I am creating an actual story for, as in writing it out. I am not a character in this story, it has nothing to do with me, it's more of a story that one would read, not a life that I am living in my head.
But it is really tough to do. There are so many times where I shake my head and realise that I had just been having a conversation with someone and having to fill in their words because they weren't actually there.
When I started this BLOG, I wanted it to be a place where I could not only entertain people, but a place where I could share myself with others in a way that I really struggle with just by talking. I also hoped that other people might possibly learn from my words, or at least take something away that they could think about. That is why I'm sharing this with you people today. It hasn't been easy, but I think it was worth it.
Re-reading that paragraph, it almost sounds like I'm quitting the BLOG. I'm not. If you thought that, then stop thinking it. If you didn't think it, then you were right not to think it.
Signing off for now,
Darrell.

P.S. Sex (oops, I did it again)
P.P.S I bet most of you are now thinking of the Britany Spears song.
P.P.P.S. And if you weren't, you are now!