But...I don't want irritable bowel syndrome. The rest sound okay.

I would never want to get medicine that I saw advertised on TV, even if I needed it. Have you ever seen those commercials? In a one minute ad (because they are never just a short thirty second ad...sometimes they're even longer than a minute), I'd say over half of the ad is listing the possible side effects.
"Possible side effects include nausea, gum bleeding, diarrhea, vomitting, weight loss, weight gain, irritable bowel syndrome, heart palpitations, runny nose, gas, ear leakage, toe fungus, swelling of the fingers, knee pain, swollen joints, inflamation of the sphincter, back pain, increased blood pressure, increased chance of stroke, increased risk of heart attack, increased risk of brain tumours, 45% greater chance of contracting mad cow disease from chickens, a desire to vote early and speak loudly about it, the ability to enjoy Pauly Shore and Denise Richards movies, and an aversion to being polite in public".
I don't know how the announcer in the ad can remain so cheerful while saying all of that. I realise that almost every medicine has some sort of side effect, but the ones on TV seem a bit excessive.

Also, I was at Safeway again and the debit machine went down again, and the person at the head of the line tried to use his debit card. If one more person had tried it, I may have snapped and started throwing grapes at random people. Actually, I might do it anyway.