The Importance of a Good Breakfast
(Author's Note: When I was originally writing this, a brief Christmas interlude appeared between chpaters 3 and 4, which James refers to in the early part of chapter 4. However, I seem to have failed to save the interlude in the ensuing reformatting of my computer, and thus it is gone forever, though I may rewrite it at some point in the future. The basic plot of the interlude was James was inside a TV sitcom Christmas special, featuring every schmaltzy, cornball cliche that I could think of. Basically I was making fun of Christmas specials where someone makes a mistake and then has to find "the true spirit of Christmas" and that sort of stuff. It was funny, let me assure you of that. And now, on to the story)
4. Where when and where collide.
James glanced around and shook his head, clearing out the cobwebs. Apparently time travel always made him woozy. This would have been useful information a few minutes ago, but now it was too late. Or too early. Or maybe it wasn’t too late. Or early. Or whatever. Whenever. “I think we’re going to have to stop and pick up some aspirin. My head’s killing me.”
Gordon turned from the controls of the odd ship and shook his head. “I am afraid that such a stop is out of the question. We have already passed the time of easy headache remedies. If we were to stop now, we would have to wait at least one hundred years before it would even be invented.”
“Well, as long as you guys don’t pull another Christmas stunt, I should be okay.” Leaning forward, James looked out the window at the streaks of colour that were flying by the windows.
Mel looked up from the book she was reading. “What Christmas stunt are you talking about?”
The scenery distracted James enough that he missed the question at first, but Mel repeated it until it suddenly occurred to him what she was saying. He turned sharply and stared at her open-mouthed for a moment. “The Christmas thing you guys did. Remember? I went out to buy eggnog. Gordon bought tickets for a symphony thing instead of buying me a present.” Blank stares greeted his story. “It was like a bad sitcom Christmas special. Am I the only one who remembers this?”
The only thing that broke the ensuing silence came spewing from the turtle: “IlikeChristmasitremindsmeofpeanuts-whicharemyfavouritetypeofnut-nexttowalnutswhicharelikepuregold-tomeandmybrothersandsisters-ortheywouldbeifihadanysisters-butmyfamilyisallmenexceptfor-mymotherwhoisinfactawoman-whichisconvenientbecause-gettingamothertattoowould-bealittleweirdifshewasawoman-didyouknowhowmuchthey-chargeforatattooonaturtleitishighwayrobberyitell…..”
Gordon turned from the controls of the odd ship and shook his head. “I am afraid that such a stop is out of the question. We have already passed the time of easy headache remedies. If we were to stop now, we would have to wait at least one hundred years before it would even be invented.”
“Well, as long as you guys don’t pull another Christmas stunt, I should be okay.” Leaning forward, James looked out the window at the streaks of colour that were flying by the windows.
Mel looked up from the book she was reading. “What Christmas stunt are you talking about?”
The scenery distracted James enough that he missed the question at first, but Mel repeated it until it suddenly occurred to him what she was saying. He turned sharply and stared at her open-mouthed for a moment. “The Christmas thing you guys did. Remember? I went out to buy eggnog. Gordon bought tickets for a symphony thing instead of buying me a present.” Blank stares greeted his story. “It was like a bad sitcom Christmas special. Am I the only one who remembers this?”
The only thing that broke the ensuing silence came spewing from the turtle: “IlikeChristmasitremindsmeofpeanuts-whicharemyfavouritetypeofnut-nexttowalnutswhicharelikepuregold-tomeandmybrothersandsisters-ortheywouldbeifihadanysisters-butmyfamilyisallmenexceptfor-mymotherwhoisinfactawoman-whichisconvenientbecause-gettingamothertattoowould-bealittleweirdifshewasawoman-didyouknowhowmuchthey-chargeforatattooonaturtleitishighwayrobberyitell…..”
Gordon and Mel exchanged concerned looks. “I was afraid of this.” Somehow Gordon was expressing concern with facial expressions. This still seemed odd to James somehow. “He must be experiencing time travel sickness.”
“Is time travel sickness common?” Mel looked even more concerned than the dinosaur did, but that was only natural, seeing as how she had known James for a few years longer. “Is there a pill he can take or something?”
Gordon shrugged, which was a feat, given his complete lack of discernible shoulders. It reminded James of a worm trying to throw up, which really was not a pleasant thought. “This is the first time I have ever heard of anyone experiencing such a malady.”
Even Ruds (as they now called the turtle) chimed in with an opinion. “Iwassickonceithrewup-alloverthebackofmymomsHonda-thatshehadwoninalotteryafewyearsago-whichwasironicbecause-shehadherdriverslicencerevoked-fordrivingtooslowlyonthehighway-toomanytimeswhichisabsolutely-absurditsaconspiracytoopressturtles…” With his mind reeling James sat down heavily and was only moderately surprised to find that he already was sitting down. He looked at both Mel and Gordon, but found no help from either party. “I’m the only one who remembers any of this, aren’t I?” Finally, James made the only decision that made any sense. He decided that it had never happened and moved on. “Now that we are travelling, I have a few questions for you Gordon.” He rose to his feet and looked out the windows again, hypnotized by the streaking colours. Shapes seemed to almost take form before falling away to nothing.
The dinosaur looked surprised for a moment and glanced at Mel who merely shook her head and rolled her eyes. Not quite sure what to think of this sudden reversal in mood, he shrugged again (in the reflection of the window, it looked like an iguana shedding a layer of skin). “What is it you would like to know?”
“Well, first off, one word. Paradoxes.” James turned away and levelled a steady gaze at the tall beast before him. “Secondly…” He paused. “Actually, that’s the only question I have.”
If you have never experienced a dinosaur sighing, then you have never truly experienced a sigh. James’ hair flapped in the wind as the sound of rushing air filled his ears. The scent of fish washed over him yet again. “I was afraid that you would ask that question. I don’t have an answer. It just works out somehow. Accept it and move on.” With that, the giant purple thunder lizard turned back to his controls, which had obviously been designed for a creature with usable arms.
Well, that’s rather rude, James thought as he wandered around the ship, exploring it closely. I wonder what’s got him so upset? “Probably time travel sickness,” he muttered sarcastically. As for the ship, it was more impressive than it had seemed from the outside. When he had first spotted it, James had thought that it looked much like an oversized Edsel, at least on the outside. But the inside was much larger that he had supposed at first. There was the main compartment where they had all been gathered. That room housed the controls that Gordon used to direct the ship, however that worked. There were enough seats for seven more passengers, as well as two seats near the front that had control panels in front of them. James’ first inclination was too assume that they were for gunners, but that was probably a product of an overabundance of television as a child. And as a teen. Surrounding the cabin was a bevy of blinking lights that did absolutely nothing except blink. When asked, Gordon had simply shrugged and muttered something about it looking cool for the ladies, which was a thought that James did not want to explore even slightly, so he had quickly moved the conversation to other aspects. The best feature of the cabin area, at least in James’ opinion, was the milkshake machine near the entrance. In fact, there was a full bar there, stocked with nothing but ingredients for any flavour of milkshake possible. James had already tried a banana kumquat shake, as well as a chicken mushroom flavoured milkshake. Come to think of it, that could explain a few things.
He left the main area and wandered down a short corridor which led to a fully stocked kitchen with a rather cramped dining room, essentially a square table with four chairs squeezed around it. Beside that was a small room with what looked like video monitors all around the room. A button on the wall caught his eye, and before he could stop himself James pushed it, not sure what to expect. The monitors flared to life, showing a rather scenic nature setting. Without warning a swarm of something came swooping into the picture, straight at where James was standing. As they flew past him, flashing by on each side and onto the monitors behind him what felt like a thousand small pinpricks covered James’ arms, neck, and face; basically all of his exposed flesh was hit. The screens went dark and some writing that looked like a weird cross between Russian and Chinese symbols flashed in front of him. He could not read it, but the number was written in a language he did understand. ‘0’ it proclaimed boldly. A square at the bottom flickered, a single word (presumably) written on it. Instinctively James reached for it and, even though he never actually touched the screen where it was located it acted like it had been pressed. It started to make some sense to James. This time, when the same scene popped up, he was being more observant. A light on the floor that was illuminating another button blazed to light, and without pausing James stepped on it. A stick like weapon popped out of the floor into his hand, and when the swarm reappeared he started swinging wildly and was rewarded with the sight of a large number of the objects go flying into the nearby lake, a few of them exploding before they hit the water. He still felt like he had been hit by a thousand tiny ball bearings, but this time it was noticeably less than the first time. When the writing came back up, the number was much larger. Satisfied, James put the stick back into the hole it had come from and exited the room.
Down the other corridor there were a few rooms with beds and showers, obviously the crew’s quarters. There was little of interest in the rooms, though he did notice that the beds were huge, easily large enough for a ten foot tall man, and all of the tables, cupboards, and other fixtures were also at the appropriate height for extremely tall people. If he didn’t know better, he would say that this ship had originally been designed for a time travelling team of basketball players who were also crime fighters. Chuckling softly to himself he returned to the main cabin.
As it turns out, he did not know better, and a team of time travelling, crime fighting basketball players had been the original owners of the ship. At least, they were going to have been the future previous owners of the ship, many years ago in the future. Now you can see why more people avoid time travel. The verbs make communication very hard, or at least extremely long winded.James re-entered the main room and plopped down beside Mel. “What ‘cha reading?” he asked as he peered over her shoulder.
“Hmm? Oh, I’m just looking at major events in history so we can know what to expect when we land.” She sounded rather distracted, so James let her be. She was way more studious than he had ever been, and James recognised this mental state that she was in right now. Conversation would be hard and drawn out and she would get irritated because he was distracting her and he would be irritated because she was ignoring him and they would argue and then things would get really awkward in the time travel machine. James was actually impressed that she could concentrate at all with Ruds sitting in the corner still talking up a storm. That guy never stopped talking.
Suddenly Mel’s head snapped up and she gave James an odd look. “Am I just a token female here?”
Well, at least she was talking to him. “Um…no. No you’re not.”
“Then why aren’t there more women here? Seriously. It’s me and three guys.”
James let out an exasperated sigh. “For the record, of the three guys, one is a giant purple dinosaur, one is a turtle, and only one is a fellow human. We’re pretty much all tokens.”
“Oh, good point.” With that her head dropped again and she was lost in the battle at Waterloo.
“Until the day I perish, I shall never understand women.” Gordon made a few adjustments to the panel in front of him and turned around to face James. He had obviously had a chance to cool down somewhat from his earlier huffy mood.
James sat down at one of the seats in front of a control panel, being very careful not to touch anything. “So where exactly are we going?” The reply did nothing to answer his question.
“Absolutely nowhere.” The dinosaur looked at the young man serenely.
A moment of silence passed as James mulled over this answer. “Then why in Sam hill have we been stuck inside this tin can for the past two hours?”
“Because,” came the patient reply, “we are not going to a where. We are going to a when.”
“Oh.”
In reply to his still confused look, Gordon provided a longer explanation. “When we are done travelling, we will be a few thousand years in the past. But geographically we will still be in the exact same spot we were when we left.”
“Oh. That’s cool.” James felt slightly foolish. It seemed simple enough to have grasped without an explanation, but he had missed it. On the other hand, the scenery was pretty neat. “What causes all the streaks of colour outside the window there?”
“That?” Gordon chuckled softly. “That is nothing more than a computer generated image.”
“Oh. Well, can I see what’s really out there?”
“I’m afraid that is out of the question. If I allowed you to look out the window then your mind would collapse in upon itself, and then the entire universe would be doomed.”
“Oh. That’s all right then, I’m good.”
With that the two of them settled into a comfortable silence.
Outside of the ship a solitary cow clung to the window, its eyes wide. This was the last mission he ever volunteered for.
Will this journey through time ever end? How does a cow cling to anything? Is clung a word? Will there ever be any sheep showing up in the story. All of this and much much less, or more, or about the same amount, but I’m not promising anything, in the next instalment of: The Importance of a Good Breakfast.
Same Schlakenheisermandervorsonovichenburger time, same Schlakenheisermandervorsonovichenburger place!
“Is time travel sickness common?” Mel looked even more concerned than the dinosaur did, but that was only natural, seeing as how she had known James for a few years longer. “Is there a pill he can take or something?”
Gordon shrugged, which was a feat, given his complete lack of discernible shoulders. It reminded James of a worm trying to throw up, which really was not a pleasant thought. “This is the first time I have ever heard of anyone experiencing such a malady.”
Even Ruds (as they now called the turtle) chimed in with an opinion. “Iwassickonceithrewup-alloverthebackofmymomsHonda-thatshehadwoninalotteryafewyearsago-whichwasironicbecause-shehadherdriverslicencerevoked-fordrivingtooslowlyonthehighway-toomanytimeswhichisabsolutely-absurditsaconspiracytoopressturtles…” With his mind reeling James sat down heavily and was only moderately surprised to find that he already was sitting down. He looked at both Mel and Gordon, but found no help from either party. “I’m the only one who remembers any of this, aren’t I?” Finally, James made the only decision that made any sense. He decided that it had never happened and moved on. “Now that we are travelling, I have a few questions for you Gordon.” He rose to his feet and looked out the windows again, hypnotized by the streaking colours. Shapes seemed to almost take form before falling away to nothing.
The dinosaur looked surprised for a moment and glanced at Mel who merely shook her head and rolled her eyes. Not quite sure what to think of this sudden reversal in mood, he shrugged again (in the reflection of the window, it looked like an iguana shedding a layer of skin). “What is it you would like to know?”
“Well, first off, one word. Paradoxes.” James turned away and levelled a steady gaze at the tall beast before him. “Secondly…” He paused. “Actually, that’s the only question I have.”
If you have never experienced a dinosaur sighing, then you have never truly experienced a sigh. James’ hair flapped in the wind as the sound of rushing air filled his ears. The scent of fish washed over him yet again. “I was afraid that you would ask that question. I don’t have an answer. It just works out somehow. Accept it and move on.” With that, the giant purple thunder lizard turned back to his controls, which had obviously been designed for a creature with usable arms.
Well, that’s rather rude, James thought as he wandered around the ship, exploring it closely. I wonder what’s got him so upset? “Probably time travel sickness,” he muttered sarcastically. As for the ship, it was more impressive than it had seemed from the outside. When he had first spotted it, James had thought that it looked much like an oversized Edsel, at least on the outside. But the inside was much larger that he had supposed at first. There was the main compartment where they had all been gathered. That room housed the controls that Gordon used to direct the ship, however that worked. There were enough seats for seven more passengers, as well as two seats near the front that had control panels in front of them. James’ first inclination was too assume that they were for gunners, but that was probably a product of an overabundance of television as a child. And as a teen. Surrounding the cabin was a bevy of blinking lights that did absolutely nothing except blink. When asked, Gordon had simply shrugged and muttered something about it looking cool for the ladies, which was a thought that James did not want to explore even slightly, so he had quickly moved the conversation to other aspects. The best feature of the cabin area, at least in James’ opinion, was the milkshake machine near the entrance. In fact, there was a full bar there, stocked with nothing but ingredients for any flavour of milkshake possible. James had already tried a banana kumquat shake, as well as a chicken mushroom flavoured milkshake. Come to think of it, that could explain a few things.
He left the main area and wandered down a short corridor which led to a fully stocked kitchen with a rather cramped dining room, essentially a square table with four chairs squeezed around it. Beside that was a small room with what looked like video monitors all around the room. A button on the wall caught his eye, and before he could stop himself James pushed it, not sure what to expect. The monitors flared to life, showing a rather scenic nature setting. Without warning a swarm of something came swooping into the picture, straight at where James was standing. As they flew past him, flashing by on each side and onto the monitors behind him what felt like a thousand small pinpricks covered James’ arms, neck, and face; basically all of his exposed flesh was hit. The screens went dark and some writing that looked like a weird cross between Russian and Chinese symbols flashed in front of him. He could not read it, but the number was written in a language he did understand. ‘0’ it proclaimed boldly. A square at the bottom flickered, a single word (presumably) written on it. Instinctively James reached for it and, even though he never actually touched the screen where it was located it acted like it had been pressed. It started to make some sense to James. This time, when the same scene popped up, he was being more observant. A light on the floor that was illuminating another button blazed to light, and without pausing James stepped on it. A stick like weapon popped out of the floor into his hand, and when the swarm reappeared he started swinging wildly and was rewarded with the sight of a large number of the objects go flying into the nearby lake, a few of them exploding before they hit the water. He still felt like he had been hit by a thousand tiny ball bearings, but this time it was noticeably less than the first time. When the writing came back up, the number was much larger. Satisfied, James put the stick back into the hole it had come from and exited the room.
Down the other corridor there were a few rooms with beds and showers, obviously the crew’s quarters. There was little of interest in the rooms, though he did notice that the beds were huge, easily large enough for a ten foot tall man, and all of the tables, cupboards, and other fixtures were also at the appropriate height for extremely tall people. If he didn’t know better, he would say that this ship had originally been designed for a time travelling team of basketball players who were also crime fighters. Chuckling softly to himself he returned to the main cabin.
As it turns out, he did not know better, and a team of time travelling, crime fighting basketball players had been the original owners of the ship. At least, they were going to have been the future previous owners of the ship, many years ago in the future. Now you can see why more people avoid time travel. The verbs make communication very hard, or at least extremely long winded.James re-entered the main room and plopped down beside Mel. “What ‘cha reading?” he asked as he peered over her shoulder.
“Hmm? Oh, I’m just looking at major events in history so we can know what to expect when we land.” She sounded rather distracted, so James let her be. She was way more studious than he had ever been, and James recognised this mental state that she was in right now. Conversation would be hard and drawn out and she would get irritated because he was distracting her and he would be irritated because she was ignoring him and they would argue and then things would get really awkward in the time travel machine. James was actually impressed that she could concentrate at all with Ruds sitting in the corner still talking up a storm. That guy never stopped talking.
Suddenly Mel’s head snapped up and she gave James an odd look. “Am I just a token female here?”
Well, at least she was talking to him. “Um…no. No you’re not.”
“Then why aren’t there more women here? Seriously. It’s me and three guys.”
James let out an exasperated sigh. “For the record, of the three guys, one is a giant purple dinosaur, one is a turtle, and only one is a fellow human. We’re pretty much all tokens.”
“Oh, good point.” With that her head dropped again and she was lost in the battle at Waterloo.
“Until the day I perish, I shall never understand women.” Gordon made a few adjustments to the panel in front of him and turned around to face James. He had obviously had a chance to cool down somewhat from his earlier huffy mood.
James sat down at one of the seats in front of a control panel, being very careful not to touch anything. “So where exactly are we going?” The reply did nothing to answer his question.
“Absolutely nowhere.” The dinosaur looked at the young man serenely.
A moment of silence passed as James mulled over this answer. “Then why in Sam hill have we been stuck inside this tin can for the past two hours?”
“Because,” came the patient reply, “we are not going to a where. We are going to a when.”
“Oh.”
In reply to his still confused look, Gordon provided a longer explanation. “When we are done travelling, we will be a few thousand years in the past. But geographically we will still be in the exact same spot we were when we left.”
“Oh. That’s cool.” James felt slightly foolish. It seemed simple enough to have grasped without an explanation, but he had missed it. On the other hand, the scenery was pretty neat. “What causes all the streaks of colour outside the window there?”
“That?” Gordon chuckled softly. “That is nothing more than a computer generated image.”
“Oh. Well, can I see what’s really out there?”
“I’m afraid that is out of the question. If I allowed you to look out the window then your mind would collapse in upon itself, and then the entire universe would be doomed.”
“Oh. That’s all right then, I’m good.”
With that the two of them settled into a comfortable silence.
Outside of the ship a solitary cow clung to the window, its eyes wide. This was the last mission he ever volunteered for.
Will this journey through time ever end? How does a cow cling to anything? Is clung a word? Will there ever be any sheep showing up in the story. All of this and much much less, or more, or about the same amount, but I’m not promising anything, in the next instalment of: The Importance of a Good Breakfast.
Same Schlakenheisermandervorsonovichenburger time, same Schlakenheisermandervorsonovichenburger place!
posted by Pants since 1986 @ 3:32 p.m.
2 comments
2 Comments:
see...A slight change makes it all look better.
awesome.... word of the day is:
prodigious • \pruh-DIJ-us\ • adjective
1 : exciting amazement or wonder
2 : extraordinary in bulk, quantity, or degree : enormous
AND
Have I told you lately that I love you.. cause you care about what happened to SAM. I love sam.
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