Let's get it right this time.

All right, so here we go.
A little over a month ago I quit my job because it was a job that I was completely unable to handle anymore. I think I've given my reasons often enough that I don't need to rehash that. Part of my plan when I quit the job was to start working at another job, one that ran different entertainment events, featuring the inflatable thingys, with the large boxing gloves, or just for jumping, or that sort of thing. It was my understanding that they would need pretty much full time help. In retrospect, that was probably mostly assumed on my part, because it has really only been part time, and very part time at that. So suddenly I have been without a job, essentially, for a solid month now, and maybe longer, forcing me to spend all of the money that I had, which wasn't much to start with.
During this time my internet connection just quits working. It has only been in the last day that we have figured out how to get it going, but at the cost of having a working home phone. I have (theoretically) a broadband phone, one that works over the internet, so when the internet is down, then the phone is down. Fortunately I just got a cell phone, so I have been able to communicate at least a little bit.
In this time, the departure date for my trip to Switzerland (July 15th in case you were wondering) has been swiftly approaching. However, because the person who is really organising everything happens to be living in London at the moment, pretty much all communication has to be through email (and the occasional phone call), and I haven't had the internet to check on it so suddenly I'm not sure if I have everything I need and I can't get a hold of anyone to ask any questions.
On top of that, I have to raise money for the trip, and I am not sure that I will be able to raise the money. I sent out a number of prayer letters, but frankly, a great deal of people that I sent it to are farmers and not exactly wealthy, so they couldn't support me financially. Fortunately they are farmers, so they are real good at praying, so that is a blessing for sure. That being said, I wasn't sure I would be able to raise the money in time, and I definitely couldn't pay myself, so I wasn't exactly sure what was going to happen. I wouldn't be allowed to go if I didn't have the money raised completely, so this was a major issue.
And then the water pump on my car decides that it has lived a long and fulfilling life, so it is time so see the world of the great beyond, and it promptly pukes out every bit of antifreeze that it can. For anyone who doesn't know, driving a car without antifreeze is a bad thing. Not as bad as driving without oil, at least not as quickly, but definitely a bad thing.
Plus, my computer has decided that it doesn't want to run video games anymore without shutting itself off randomly. And sometimes when it isn't running video games. I'm wondering if the heat isn't affecting it, causing it to overheat every once in a while. I need a new fan for my computer (they cost money though, so it'll have to wait), plus a fan for my room would be good too because it has been too warm even downstairs sometimes, and it's hard to get a breeze going when there's no wind.
All of this has hit to make me completely unable to get a decent sleep for some time now. I lay awake at night wondering if any of these problems will ever be solved, and then, because it is night and my mind is completely incapable of shutting itself off even remotely, I start to worry about other things, and pretty soon I'm starting to question whether I'm a worthwhile person and whether I do any good for anyone at all. The self-pitying part of me is constantly annoyed that people keep wanting to hang out with me because it wants to feel like I've been abandoned by the world so that I can get a good self-pity party going. But fortunately I can't go that route. However, I really do spend a great deal of time wondering if I haven't completely turned my life into a joke. I feel like I'm worthless and of no use to anyone. I don't even do anything, and I can't make decisions and I'm weak and scared and I just have been drifting along with no real purpose in my life. There have been at least two separate nights where I have been so mad that I just want to scream, but I just can't bring myself to care that much.
And to top it all off, my chair broke a couple days ago. The back just snapped off where the top metal strip was welded on. Stupid chair.
This is getting long. Sorry about that.
But then I find out that my parents are sending a sizeable donation that will cover the unpaid cost of my Switzerland trip which surprised me. I was expecting them to give something, but not nearly that much. A quick note of how it works. The total cost, including plane ticket, of the trip is about $2100. I personally paid the $1600 plane ticket, leaving $500 to go. Once those $500 is raised, I am refunded any extra amount that comes in. That means if I raise $1000, then I get $500 back, so if you were thinking about donating, you still can, I won't mind, honest. At least, I'm pretty sure that's how it works.
Anyway, as you can see, my internet is working again, so suddenly I'm able to check emails and make plans about the trip again. Plus I can pay all of my online bills and check to make sure I actually have the money I think I have where I have it.
Peter and I spent a day fixing my water pump, and now it doesn't leak antifreeze anymore. And then my alternator decided to go on strike, which raised its own set of problems, but thanks to help from my friends, a borrowed car, and a good set of jumper cables I was able to get everywhere I needed to go. And then we went and bought a new alternator. I had enough to cover the cost right now, but I'm borrowing money to replenish what I lost because since I'm going to be gone until the end of the month and definitely not making any money, I have to make sure my end of the month bills can be covered before I even leave.
And I think they can because I have been working a bit in the past few days, plus I have a long day coming up, and the company is paying pretty well. It should add up to be enough to make sure I survive another month, yee-ha.
All of this has me feeling much more optomistic about things and I haven't been having trouble getting to sleep for a couple days now, though I still wake up a few times a night. That's normal for me, though. I wake up noticeably about every four hours at least, sometimes more than that. Have for years. Don't really know if that's a good thing or not, but it doesn't really bother me. I'm used to it.
Those feelings of inadequacy are still with me, but more in the background. I can look at what has happened in the last month and just shake my head, being smart enough to realise I probably made a few mistakes in there, leaning too heavily on assumptions that I shouldn't have made. There may be adverse consequences, but as long as I don't let my lethargy get the better of me, I should be okay. As soon as I get back I will have to find a job, but I live in Calgary. That's about as easy as falling off a bike. I just have to get my head in the game and actually pick something when the time comes. I tend to be very choosy when I'm looking for a job, and that gets me in trouble sometimes. I think it comes in part from still not being entirely sure about what to do with my life (or just unwilling to admit to myself what it is I want to do...), and being unwilling to commit to anything to substantial and 'career oriented' in the meantime. Silly me. Though right now I am looking at trying to get on at a bank, do the teller type stuff. I think that would be interesting. But we'll see how that all goes.
Plus, I duct taped the chair back together and it seems to be holding.
So all in all, things are looking up. But wait, I seem to be forgetting something, something that should be central to everything. And that is part of the problem as well. During all of this I seriously swung back and forth in my relationship with God. I really struggled sometimes, wondering why I should bother, more often wondering why He would bother with me (especially in those sleepless nights). At the moment I feel like I'm making progress, actually making an effort to have a relationship with this God fellow I've heard so much about. It does help being able to look back at everything and see little patterns of grace here and there. For instance, my water pump blew on Tuesday. On Monday I had driven the 800kms from Regina to Calgary, a journey of which I had completed the reverse only a few days before. If it had gone at anytime in there it would have been really bad, but it held until I got home. And then it worked out that Peter had the time to help me out, even though he has a wife, a child, a needy dog, and two jobs. I received my GST refund money right in there, money that meant I could afford the repairs. The money came in for my Switzerland trip, like I had originally trusted God would provide. Isn't it funny how we can trust God for something, but then take that trust back when it's not completed in our timing? No, that's not actually all that funny, is it. Sad, bordering on tragic maybe, but not funny. And in everything I'm healthy and safe. My problems seem to be thing related for the most part, so what do I have to worry about anyway? I can see God walking with me the entire time, probably shaking his head at times, but never leaving. That really is a comfort.
Well, by now you're probably all sorry that I'm connected to the internet again, so I'll wrap this up.
Also, I saw the Superman movie (twice) and I have to say that they did a good job. I don't know how excited I can get about Superman because I'm not a huge fan, but that being said, it was a pretty good movie. I don't think you should have any problems going out and watching it. Just thought you should know that. Also, the Spider-man 3 movie trailer ROCKED!!!!