The Importance of a Good Breakfast

5. Sporadic At Best

A small scraping sound roused James from his sleep, cutting through the vision of a thousand pancakes that had been dancing through his head (specifically, doing the watusi, or possibly the batusi). Obviously his cat was at his bedroom door, trying to get in as she did every morning. But if he was in his room asleep, why was he fully clothed? And why did his bed feel more like vinyl seats of some kind? And why was there a bumpy purple wall in front of him? The memories of the last day came flooding back and hit him like a tonne of bricks. He sat up, rubbing his head where the brick had made contact, feeling a bump already starting to develop. Snickering from the purple wall drew his attention.
“I am most sorry, James.” Gordon was trying not to grin too hard. “It’s hard to control one’s arms when they are as tiny as mine.”
James picked up the brick that was innocently sitting on the seats next to him and scowled. “As much as I appreciate your bringing a common simile to life, and as much as I appreciate you not using an actual tonne of bricks,” he said through gritted teeth, “I would really, really, REALLY appreciate you never doing that again.” Wondering where a brick had even come from was probably a waste of time, so James stood up and walked to the windows. A peaceful nature scene was playing, featuring a brook gently flowing across some low rolling hills. The scene was completed with a single cow standing off to one side, trying to look inconspicuous. “Nice scenery,” commented James. “The flashing colours start to bother you or something?”
“Actually James, we’ve landed.” Mel walked up beside him and looked out the window, giving the cow a strange look. “You know, that cow looks familiar somehow.” Almost as though it sensed her words (or more precisely, as though it were listening to the bug that had been planted inside the ship and so he had heard her words) the cow raised its head, looked the ship over and then wandered away nonchalantly.
“Yeah, you’re right,” said James, his eyes wide. “It looks like….every other cow I’ve ever seen, and ever will see.” Sarcasm dripped almost visibly off of his words. “And she thinks I’m paranoid.” With a shrug he turned around stretched. “So where are we?”An arched eyebrow was heavily implied on the eyebrow-less dinosaur. “We have already covered the answer to that particular question.”
“Oh yeah.” Silence for a moment. Real silence. Suspiciously, James looked over to the corner where Ruds had been sitting for most of the journey, only to find an empty spot. “Where’d the turtle go?”
Mel shrugged. “He said something about having to step out for a moment and that he’d be right back. That was about three hours ago, before we even landed.”
Together the three of them enjoyed the silence before moving on to other matters, but as they were to find out in the upcoming chapters (days, that should read days) there were not going to be any lasting moments of peace. Had they realised that, they might have taken the time to appreciate it more. Or to at least make some sort of witty comment that they could look back on and remember fondly. Sadly, they did neither. James, always the impetuous one, broke in with a question.
“Did anyone ever care about where Waldo was?” They looked at him quizzically. “Seriously, the guy seemed to get himself lost at the drop of a hat. At some point you’d think people would just leave him lost wherever he happened to be at the time.” Still there was no response. “I mean,” he continued, “when are we?”
“We have come back to where you can do the most good to start with, only a few hundred years in your past.” The group walked towards the main hatchway of the time ship. It hissed open and they stepped out into the fresh air. In the distance a small wisp of smoke wound its way into the sky. “Over those hills you will find a small settlement that will later grow to become your town. Somewhere hidden in this town is an artefact that must be found and destroyed. It was placed there by your enemy, James, and does not belong in this time, so be careful.”
As he talked, Gordon had led them to the main hatch. He stopped before he opened the door and gazed down at the pair solemnly. “Are there any questions?”
“Noo-o-oo.” James drew out the word thoughtfully. “Except for one or two. For instance: What is this artefact? Who is my enemy? Will we be understood? Won’t our clothes look out of place? Is there any chance we’ll have to buy something? Do we have any money to buy stuff with? Is it money that won’t look out of place? Are there many squirrel’s running around? What is the meaning of life? Can a clown breathe underwater? Will there be a test on this material? Are bon-bons really that good, or are they just bon? Is that too obscure a joke? Why is my underwear so itchy today?” He stopped short, his eyes wide as he looked at his companions. “It’d probably be best to just ignore that last one.”
“Well, in answer…” Before he could get very far, Mel jumped interrupted.
“Hey, how come he gets an enemy. That’s so not fair. I want an enemy.” She glared up at the purple dinosaur, tapping her foot impatiently.
“You’re well on your way to making one, my dear,” he muttered under his breath. More audibly, he replied, “You do not have an enemy because you are not destined to save humanity and all of time. You are simply a tag-along.”
A single arched eyebrow had James very nervous. Gordon may be a giant dinosaur, but he was vastly outmatched against an angry Mel. He jumped in to try and smooth things over. “You’re not really a tag-along, Mel. Your more of a companion. You see, if I tried to do this alone, I’d go crazy…er. It would be very hard to keep going without someone who understands me along that I can lean on. That, and you are so way more organised than I am. I’d probably forget my own head if it wasn’t attached. Speaking of which, you haven’t happened to have seen my shoe around anywhere, have you? I seem to have misplaced it.”
An exasperated Mel simply shook her head and motioned back to the hallway where the shoe was on its side by the wall. A wry grin broke across her face. “Well, I guess if I’m going to be a tag-along, I’d better be a useful one.” She looked up at Gordon. “Well, how about it, fish-breath. Answer James’ questions.”
“As I was saying before your outburst, we have everything you need to fit in. Follow me.” They returned to the main area of the time machine and waited as Gordon rooted around in a storage closet. After a moment, he pulled out two baseball caps with flashing lights on them. He tossed one to James and the other to Mel, who looked it over closely. James simply placed his on his head, flipping it around so that it was on backwards. Suddenly he was clothed in a poodle skirt and blouse.
After a moment of shocked silence, Mel found her voice. “Where did those clothes come from? And that hair? And why are they on backwards?”
James looked down at his new attire. Sure enough, the buttons on the blouse were on his back. Experimentally, he flipped the hat around, and his clothes switched around so that they were on normal. With a small grin, he turned the hat sideways, leaving the skirt and blouse completely messed up, on sideways. James laughed.
“Ah,” said Gordon thoughtfully. “It seems we will be required to journey to the nineteen fifties during the course of our adventure. But for now, allow me.” He held out his short, clawed hands. James took off his hat and tossed it back to the dinosaur. Mel followed suit. They watched as he rummaged around in the storage closet again, muttering under his breath. Something about not enough fish around and darn whippersnappers drifted down to the ears of the two youths, but that was about it. After a short time, Gordon emerged from the closet, holding a wire with a jack on each end. He plugged one end into the button on one of the caps, and then walked over to the main bank of computers near the pilot’s seat. As he plugged the hat into the computer, he explained. “These hats are Transmodifiying Imaging Enhancementators. They make it appear as though you were dressed in any style of clothing and hair possible. While activated, it is invisible to the naked eye, which is why it looked like he had a bouffant hairstyle a moment ago. As soon as you remove the hat, your regular clothes and hair are revealed, so it is imperative that you do not remove it for any reason. Also, wear it forward. You’ve seen what happens when you do otherwise. I am programming it to dress you in the appropriate clothing.”
Gordon pulled the plug out of the hat and computer and tossed the hat back to James, who quickly donned it once again. This time, his dress was on forward, as was his hair, which was a nice shade of strawberry blonde. He sighed. “Do I really have to go as a woman? I just don’t think that it is me.” He caught a reflection of himself and paused. “Although I do feel pretty…”
Mel reached up and snatched the hat off of James head and smacked him on the arm. “I’m pretty sure that this is mine,” she exclaimed, fitting the cap over her hair. Instantly she was transformed into a 17th century belle. She twirled experimentally, pleased with the result.
Eagerly, James snatched up the second cap. “If she’s a proper lady like that, then imagine what I must be.” He quickly put on his hat and looked at himself. Much to his chagrin, he seemed to be wearing second hand clothing with more than a few patches. “Hey, what am I? Some kind of bum?”
“Actually,” came Gordon’s bemused reply. “You are more of a servant. It is necessary for safety’s sake that you travel as her servant. Besides, she is much more clever than you are at thinking on the go, it would seem.”
The smirk on Mel’s face was enough to drive James crazy, but he refused to show it. With an overly casual shrugged, he merely nodded in agreement and changed the subject. “What about language. They couldn’t have spoke perfect English.”
“Well, that does not seem to be much of an issue for yourself either,” muttered Gordon as he returned to the storage shed. “I have an earpiece,” came the muffled voice, “and an attached microphone. It will instantly translate anything you say or hear, and is attached to the hat, so it is of vital importance that you do not remove either for any reason.” He emerged once again with exactly what he had promised them. The each received it gratefully and placed it in their ears.
Suddenly, James was suspicious. “Are you really a dinosaur, or are you just wearing a hat and earpiece?” His eyes narrowed sceptically as he waited for a response.
The dinosaur’s eyes widened in surprise. He had not been expecting this question. “I assure you that I am just as you see me, my good sir.”
“Okay.”
Together they walked to the door of the ship and headed outside. “Now remember,” Gordon spoke apprehensively. He did not feel confident about this mission at all. “Speed is of the essence. You must enter the town, find the object and leave immediately. It will be fairly obvious, and may have already been discovered by the locals. Whatever happens, do not let them stop you from reaching your objective.”
James simply nodded, and then turned to face the door. It slid open, the radiant sunshine blinding him temporarily. Together, he and Mel stepped out into the grassy field.

What a lousy trick, ending the story just as it was getting started. Ain’t I a stinker? What happens next? Will they find the mysterious object? Did James ever put his shoe back on, or is it still lying in the hallway? Does the author actually have any idea what’s going on? Will he actually come out with another chapter? Okay, the answer to that last one is ‘Yes’. Life has been busy, and he apologises for not being more diligent about getting you your fix of time travelling dinosaurs. But never fear, James shall return in the next instalment of:
The Importance of a Good Breakfast.
Same Schlakenheisermandervorsonovichenburger time, same Schlakenheisermandervorsonovichenburger place!