Good Grief

Something that I never do anymore is make New Year's Resolutions. Being a person who tries to avoid cliches, I usually just let the new year begin quietly. However, I never am quite able to avoid examining my life. That would probably bug me more, but I tend to evaluate myself quite regularily, so it really is just more of the same.
But so what? Where is this all going? Those are the kind of questions that I tend to see before me, the kind that I'm never really sure how to answer.
Being a Christian is a constant struggle for me, which I guess is pretty normal.
See, there's a problem I have. Anytime something happens, I just assume other people have it worse, or that I'm not the only one with this problem. There are ways in which this is good, because it means that I'm pretty good at keeping perspective. If my car breaks down, I fix it, and I'm thankful that I can afford a car. My movies get stolen, and I shrug and figure that it was nothing valuable taken from my warm house, with a fridge full of food. Or at least condiments that I can put on bread. Mmm...ketchup sandwich. So in that way, it is a good problem to have.
But on the other hand, it also makes it hard for me to actually deal with problems and issues that arise. Anytime I feel down, I don't really try to go to people with the problem because I always figure that it is such a minor problem compared to what others are going through. How can I go to someone and say that I am struggling living with God when their sister just went through a demon possession? How can I be mad about things going wrong when I know that someone can't talk to their parents because there is so much hate in their history? I can never stay mad for more than a few minutes because the second I get angry, I feel guilty about being angry because I am soooooooooo blessed in what I have that there is no reason to get angry.
But how often does anger promote growth? My answer would be quite often, if the anger is dealt with properly. Using anger to learn, to struggle, to grow is a good thing. Having doubts shows us that we have faith, because the opposite of faith is certainty. I just can't allow myself anger or doubt. I feel like I have no reasons to doubt, no cause to be anger. I am incredibly hard on myself.
The blessings of my life so outweigh the struggles, so how can I have problems? I should be a well adjusted, happy, satisfied person. So what is it that keeps gnawing away at me? It's funny, I've never really had a personal anger at God for what happens in the world. I've never seriously asked God why He is letting such terrible things happen to me, for the reasons stated above, namely many other people have it so much worse. I also don't question why he allows so much pain and sorrow in the world, because I think the only way to stop all of the pain is to turn people into little robots for Jesus, or to have Jesus come a second time. Armageddon is obviously at least a few seconds away, and perhaps many lifetimes away, and giving people the choice to follow Him seems to have been half of the reason (if not the entire reason) for the whole creation thing in the first place, so Jesus zombies is not really an option. Hence, pain and suffering in the world. Not always fair, but at least understandable in an abstract sort of way. That being said, I take death hard sometimes. Not the death itself, but the pain it causes other people, the seeming randomness of it, and the responses of well-meaning people. Please, never let me hear you say to a grieving parent that "God wanted your child with Him in heaven", because I might have to punch you. Even if you are a girl. I feel I am digressing.
The existence of God has never really been a doubt in my mind. Partly because I was raised that way, and partly because I have seen to many things, whether miracles, or people with strong steady faith, or just children in general (something about kids makes me see God). What really makes me struggle is deciding if it matters. I think it does, but I just have trouble seeing how sometimes. I want to follow God, I really do, but it just feels like there are too many what ifs involved. What if I mess up? (He'll forgive me) What if I offend someone? (I can't control other people, but I can love them) What if He wants to change who I am?
Now that's a big one. What if God wants to change who I am. What if he wants me to stop liking anything I currently like, to give up everything that makes me me? What if He wants me to move to interior Africa and teach a camp to underpriviliged youth. Honestly, there is nothing about that which appeals to me. But I've heard it said, and I believe, that God gives you wants, needs, and desires, and He works within them. He knows your personality, who you are, and works with that. So I guess I don't have to change who I am to follow Him.
So who am I?
You see what happens? Every question simply raises more questions. I try my best, I really do, but I constantly struggle to figure out what's going on. It's a case of being too smart (keep reading for a major caveat later) for my own good. Rather than just accepting things, I start to question, to look at options. Pretty soon, the options overwhelm me, and as a result I do nothing.
I am not saying that I am really smart, or smarter than anyone. In fact, smart may have been the wrong word. But it catches the problem that I have. I really do look at too many options, and never quite seem to settle on anything.
Holy crap, I'm Charlie Brown.
Seriously, think about it. He is always trying to make people like him, always trying to do the best thing, always wishing he could be a better person, and he always seems to have a slightly unsettled stomach because he is always slightly unsettled. That's how I feel. I also have depressing conversations with myself at night in bed like he does. And we're both bald (though I work harder at maintaining my bald than he does).
I think I'm going to cut myself off there. If you're wondering why I'm writing about this in the first place, it's because I've had a bad week or two since Christmas. Mostly related to poor choices of mine. I feel like I'm doing better right now, but the demons of my past always seem to be just around the corner, ready to trip me up again. Frankly, it's getting old.