Need Fuel

I leave on Monday for a week long orientation in Winnipeg. There I will meet my fellow RAs, as well as some of the Janz Team official types. I am looking forward to this. I think it will make things a little more real than they have felt. Right now everything is so abstract, nothing more than emails and ideas. I know I say I'm going to Germany, but right now I am still just working and hanging out here and just living life much the same as I would otherwise. There are things I am doing different - the whole fundraising scope of activities is a bit different - but even with that it is still just theoretical in many ways. No one is actually sending money to me, and many people haven't started sending money at all yet. Those who are giving monthly might be starting this month, most are starting next month, and I just receive updates, mere numbers on a page. There is no real meaning attached to those numbers, not yet. If you were to take the German trip from me, I almost feel like the only difference would be a lowered level of stress and I would use less paper. That's about it. But once I'm in Winnipeg, once I meet other people, and actually do some work relating to Black Forest Academy, I think it will seem real.
The other thing I am hoping for is a renewed shot of enthusiasm. The past couple of weeks I have noticed my energy flagging. A curious thing about people is their ability to adapt to their surroundings, which is why humans are found in every part of the world, even the Antarctic. But more than physical, people adapt mentally as well. Put enough pressure on a person, then that person begins to grow used to that pressure. It's not always a healthy thing, and often it leads to break downs once the melting point is reached, but until then the human mind adapts. In my case that means I am almost a bit numb. I have been thinking about this and worrying and stressing and hoping and planning and looking forward to the next two years that I am starting to lose steam. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I'm starting to lose feeling, becoming used to the whole idea that it is not new or fresh or interesting.
Except that is not quite it. I think the idea of numbness is more accurate. I just can't feel the enthusiasm I used to feel. Ah, it's like a person who has to constantly deal with a rebellious child, or someone who has to fight every step of their life against poor circumstances - poverty, poor education, bad living conditions, etc. Eventually they just stop caring, they become used to everything and just numb to it all. They start to live life as though they are unable to change anything; whatever happens, happens and there is nothing to be done about it. That is how I am starting to feel. It is not a guarantee that I am going, I still have about 40% more to raise before I am officially allowed to go (I need to have a minimum of 80% of my monthly amount of $1800 raised, and I am around 40%), but at this point I am starting to just not really want to do anything. There is nothing left in the tank, and whatever happens at this point is beyond my control. That is both the truth and a lie. I can go around and ask more people, even stand in the mall and hand out letters to strangers. Not the best idea, but that is just an example of one of the many things I could do. On the other hand, even if I got the word out to every person on the planet, I cannot make a single person give me a dime. This is truly in God's hands, as it always has been. But I know he wants me to do my part, but I just can't make myself get enthused about it.
I am fully hoping, and even expecting, this trip to give me a boost. I almost need it to do so, I just don't have the internal reserves left right now. My week in Winnipeg may be the best thing to happen to me so far this year.
Well, that's my life right now. If you have contributed to my trip, whether through prayer or finances, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. If you have yet to do so but are planning on it, I encourage you to do so as soon as possible, for the sake of my sanity if for no other reason. If you haven't thought about it yet or are unsure, I ask that you remember me in your prayers and seriously consider supporting me financially. Please.
Boy it will be nice to finally be there, this preparation stuff is for the birds.