Novella = Small Novel

You ever have one of those days where you feel like you have something important you want to say, but you just can't quite grasp it? That's what today is feeling like for me. I did something at work today I thought I would never do again. DISHES!! Of course, it was only one load because we didn't actually have a dishwasher working during lunch (I guess he quite or something), but still. And it is amazing how strong old habits hang on. I grabbed the dish rack, loaded up the plates, pushed them into the dishwasher. Then I grabbed some cups and threw them in the dishwasher, closed it and walked away to go help my table. But I didn't even have to think about it, it just came naturally. I did forget to spray the plates, but that was mostly because I was trying to be neat about it so that I didn't get my uniform all dirty. If I had stayed any longer in the dish pit I would have grabbed an apron. It almost felt good doing those dishes though. I wonder if there is a part of me that misses that, and I think there is. A very small part. A very small, miniscule, tiny part. A part that I bring out regularly and beat into submission with a tire iron, or any other handy blunt instrument.
I think, though, that another part of it is the fact that I was doing something unexpected and helpful. I didn't really want people to see me doing it (I'll come back to that), but they did and were all very happy that I was helping out like that. Usually it's the cooks that have to run back to the dishpit and do the dishes when there's no one working there. And the general manager of the store (Neil) saw me and was very impressed. It felt good helping out like that, doing something that needed to be done without being told to do it.
Here's my thing, and I'm not completely sure how to interpret it. I do not like doing cleaning when people are around to see me. That means I don't clean the house when anyone is in it, and other things like that. I was going to say that I don't like helping with people around, but that's not true. It's mostly cleaning. I hadn't realised that until right now, and now I'm completely dumbfounded. I'm not sure why that is. And it's not when just anyone is around, because there are certain people around that it doesn't bother me. Jeff (my brother) is one of those people, which is good, because it probably means that our place this summer will stay relatively clean. Yet, when my parents are around, I have a hard time jumping in and doing "chores" without being asked. If they ask me to do the dishes, or clean up the basement, I'm fine doing it, for the most part. But if they're at home, and I see the living room needs vacuuming, I'll wait until they're both gone to do it.
Part of the reason is that I HATE being praised for something like that. A simple 'thank you' is fine, and then not mentioning it ever again. But it seems like people have to make a big deal of it, even if they don't say much. Sometimes, it's just the way they say what they say. They'll see me doing the dishes, and they'll stop, blink a couple times like they were in shock, and then say say 'thanks' in a really surprised voice. Or they'll be very enthusiastic about it, making it seem like I have never done anything before for them, or this is the best thing that has ever happened to them. Or, worst of all, they'll say 'oh, you didn't have to do that, I was going to do that', or something similar. That is probably related to how I accept compliments. I don't know how it looks to other people, but when I am complimented, I feel really awkward. I make a point of being very sure about what I say. I try not to be too falsely modest. If someone is thanking me for what I have done, then the best response is to just say 'you're welcome', or more likely, 'no problem'. I don't actually mean that it was without difficulties (though somethings are), I just mean that I am not upset that I had to do it. But what I'm feeling is...well, I'm not sure exactly what it is.
You know, I wonder if it is a feeling of inadequacy. Do I feel that I don't deserve the compliment? Am I thinking that I am unworthy of praise? I don't know what it is. I know that I am really hard on myself. I usually feel that whatever I've done, I've not done well enough. No matter what it is, I'm pretty sure that I could have done it better. When anyone says that I am talented in a particular area, I won't really argue with them, but inside I am usually shaking my head and almost laughing at how wrong they are, even if they are right.
It's amazing how little some things change, though. When I was in high school, I felt the same way for many of these issues. It's only been in the past couple years that I have started to learn how to deal with it. If I had to be honest, though, I would probably say that I didn't really like myself. This is not a call for any sort of sympathy, it's just a fact. I don't know what I have accepted in my mind that makes me feel that way. I know I have good points, but they seem to be overshadowed by my negative points, at least in my own mind. Maybe that's not all that different from most people. I don't know how many times that I have heard people give talks where they say something similar, that they were fine on the outside and not fine on the inside. I try to avoid saying that, or even thinking that. It's just too cliched, and I know that it should be different. I should be the same on the inside and the outside. On the other hand, it's probably not wise to necessarily let absolutely everything hang out. Some things are only appropriate for certain people.
And I'm not sure that I'm going in that direction anyway. I'm writing all of this as I think of it, so it may be a journey that ends up going nowhere. Let's begin. You see, I'm not trying to say that I'm living to completely different lives. I'm not a super Christian on Sunday and devil child on Monday. I'm also not gay. I just want to stress that point. I still like girls. But the double life is not what I'm talking about. Now, to be honest, there are things in my life that might look like that, but only in a few small areas, and there are people that I have let into those areas and I am working on them. I'm definitely not perfect, but I am doing what I can. I guess what gets me is how I feel and how I think as compared to how it looks like I feel/think based on how I act. I am way less confident than I seem to appear. Many people seem to think that I am a loud, outgoing, confident guy. But the truth is not quite that. There are times when I am that way, at least to a certain extent. When I am at work I tend to be a bit more outgoing to a certain extent. I work in a restaurant, so I have to be at least semi-outgoing at work, so that people feel like I actually care. It helps that I actually do care about their service and not just about getting a tip, but still, I am more outgoing at work. The other place that I seem to present that face is when I am helping at youth. I think that it is a relatively safe place, so I don't feel constrained by fear/doubt/anxiety as much as I do in other places.
The problem I run into is people only really ever see me at one of those two places. That is because I am terrible at being confident in any other place at all. Something that I am TERRIBLE at doing is getting to know people. I simply do not know how to have a conversation with people. Now stick with me because I am going to try and express something that I have never quite been able to put into words before. When I'm talking with people, I have trouble with asking questions about them. I feel like I don't deserve the information, or that I'm being nosy, or, if I've known the person for a while, that I shouldn't be asking because I should know this information by that time, and if I ask now, then it shows that I obviously don't care about them and then they will be mad at me.
I hate technology!! I just lost about a solid ten minutes of typing. I don't know where it went. And it was just spontaneous stuff that I don't know if I can remember even slightly. But I'm going to try because I feel like it was important.
It's silly, I know, but that's just how I feel, that there is only a certain amount of time before I should just know stuff, so I just don't bother trying to find out. But even if I did, when it comes right down to it, I don't know how to get to know people. I don't know how to have a conversation. I listen to other people talk, and I almost get jealous. I want to have serious conversations with people, but I feel like all I can talk about is movies and the weather. I dread hearing myself talk about the weather, but it's something I bring up often because I don't know what else to say. I desparately want to talk about the 'real' things that other people talk about, but I don't know how. As some of ou may have noticed, I'm not real great at the serious conversations. Wisecracks and Family Guy seem to be the only things that I can talk about consistently. Whenever the conversation turns serious (and I'm not even talking about life shattering deep serious, just more serious than the latest jokes or anecdotes) I tend to clam up, especially if there is a group of people involved.
Heck, today in the car, I gave Nathan a ride home from Montana's (a bunch of us ended up there after youth), and we discussed our respective works, and asked some questions about that, but then I ran out of things to say. I just didn't know what else to talk about. I just had a thought. I feel like I don't share anyone else's interests. It's almost like I don't actually have any real interests, except for Spider-man, and comics in general, and that is a subject that few people share, at least at a level anywhere near what I feel (and don't get me started about many of the people that do share that particular interest - that's a rant for another day). I seem to either not care at all, or I don't want to say much because I will feel like I am only interested because I want them to like me or something like that. Or I'll think that they think I am only interested to impress them. My mind seems to enjoy twisting itself into tight knots of inpenetrable illogic. So what can I talk about with people when I don't share their interests and they don't share my interest. It's a wide gulf that I don't know how to gulf.
And I find it even harder to talk with women. Because with all of the problems I have talking with most people, there is another layer involved. I don't want to ask too many questions because I don't want the woman to think that I am 'interested' in her, especially if I am interested in her. When I am interested in a woman, I tend to say even less, almost ignoring her, because I feel like everything I say/do will show her that I like her, and then she will be terribly uncomfortable and things will be terribly awkward. I try to keep it a secret until I think that she is interested back, and even then I tend to be wrong about it. But that means that I can't ask about her family, friends, interests, favourite colour, pets, etc, because I am scared that I am going to make her uncomfortable. Does that make any sense at all?
I also have trouble talking about myself. It's not too hard to answer questions that people ask me about me. I don't know if I answer them very well, or if I sound even the least bit interesting at all, though. It's hard to sell myself because I don't have a great number of opinions on many things. And even when I do have an opinion, I tend to either not share it, or I share it but not in any great detail because I usually don't care if people agree with me or not. It's like I've taken the view that my opinions are for myself, and people can think whatever else they want, I don't really care because I know what I think, and I'm find if they think otherwise. Makes being an evangelical Christian a bit tough at times. But what I'm really terrible at is talking about myself when no one asks. I feel like if I mention anything about myself I'm being terribly vain. I really struggle when people seem to relate everything they hear back to an event in their life. When someone says 'I was just in a car accident', I hate hearing someone else reply with 'I had an accident earlier this year, it nearly totalled off my car'. It's like whatever was said was just an excuse to get out a personal story. I still do it sometimes, but not very often. Sometimes it may even be appropriate to share like that, but I never know when. And when a group is together, forget it. I tend to clam up and not say anything. Figuratively, I basically curl up in the corner and watch everyone with wide eyes of terror. There are times when I wish that it wasn't just figurative. I don't always mind it because sometimes that's a good way to hear some fun stories. I don't usually have many stories to tell, and I don't really like talking about myself at any time, but it's still fun to tell, and that's when wisecracks seem to be most appropriate. But when it is a serious conversation in a group, I still struggle in saying anything. Partly because I actually wait until a person is finished before I bring up what I want to say. So many people are starting their point before the last person was done. Or they will be saying things like "I totally agree" three or four times in a row, until they perceive that the other person is finished speaking, and then they will launch into their own point, which is often the same point that was just made, only using different words, and louder. Even when I do have something relevant to say, I usually don't get a chance to say it until the subject has moved on. By that time I am unable to make my point because it is too late. I don't want to be someone who is unable to let a topic go when it is finished, or to be known as someone who is unable to do the same. I also can't bring up topics that I remember from days past with someone because I don't want to be known as someone who is obsessed with something, and I usually just assume that the other person won't remember that we talked at all, let alone that what it was about. The end result is that I spend most of my time just listening. There are days when I wish I was alot more aggressive. I also wonder if people view me as aloof and disinterested because I don't talk about myself at all, or that I feel myself to be superior to them.
In the end, all of this leaves me feeling really alone. It's like, in my mind at least, I don't know anybody, and nobody knows me. I really want to get to know people, but I don't know how, and I shrink away. And sometimes I shrink away from people actually trying to get to know me because, for whatever reason, they are people that I don't want to get to know well. I also feel like everyone else has this group of friends or people that they know and spend time with, and I usually only know that person and have no real idea of who the rest of the people are. Many of the youth sponsors I work with are like that. I will know that sponsors I work with, but I don't really know any of their friends. Then I feel like I can't really get to know them because it's like I'm trying to break into the group from the outside when I really don't have any interest in getting to know that group. I have no problem with (I'm making up a name here) Carmichael's friends, but I don't know them at all, and I am getting to know Carmichael and I would like to hang out with him. As I got to know the other people, I'm sure I'd be fine with that and want to know them more as well. But I don't want to invite myself into a group. Heck, I never want to invite myself anywhere. I would rather sit at home alone than invite myself along with a group. Sometimes I'll decline an invitation when I feel like it's just a pity invitation or invitation of convenience. For instance, when I am in the dorms and a group of people are going out somewhere and one person that I know a little bit invites me to go with them, but I don't know any of the rest of the group, I'll say no because I don't want to inconvenience them.
Before you get on my case about making up lame excuses, let me say this. That is not the entire reason, but it is a large part of it. I have this fear, I guess you'd call it, of making people uncomfortable. I don't want to inconvenience them in any way. And with the conversational problems I have I feel like just being around makes people uncomfortable. I guess I am also scared or meeting knew people. You may not believe this, but I really am rather shy. Again, part of that relates back to not being any good at making conversation. It scares me a little, so I find it easier to just not do it at all.
So there I am, alone and unknown. Just where I fear being the most. Sadly, I feel like it has become comfortable in an uncomfortable sort of way. I don't want to be alone my entire life. I actually struggle quite a bit being single. There is a part of me that thinks that I will be better if I find myself a girlfriend. Intellectually I know that is not the solution to my problems, but there are times, especially around dating people, and especially especially around married people (sadly, those two groups seems to describe most of the people I end up with) when I really struggle believing it. Really, though, I do know that a girlfriend would not solve my problems. On the other hand, I know that I am not complete on my own. Some people are called to a life of being single (which they annoyingly seem to like to call 'a life of celibacy', like that makes it more holy somehow). I don't believe that I am for even a minute. Not even a second. Not even any fraction of a second that you can come up with. So is it wrong of me to want a relationship? I'm smart enough to know that I need to take my time and make sure I'm not jumping into anything that I shouldn't be, but I also don't really enjoy waiting around for 'the right girl to come along at the right time' (I hate cliche-ic sayings like that sometimes). If I know that I am meant to have another half, is it wrong of me to be looking for it? But then again, am I putting too much stock into this whole dating idea? Actually, I can answer that one. Often times, I do. I have a tendency to get caught up in the idea of having a g/f, so anytime I meet a girl that I think I might like, I start daydreaming, and pretty soon I am dating and maybe getting engaged in my head when I have barely talked to the woman in real life. I actually had that happen to me earlier this year. I was suddenly very deeply interested in this woman, and then, about four days after I started obsessing (that is probably the most accurate word for what I do) her, I found out she had just started dating someone else, and I was completely unreasonably devastated. I was actually half depressed for a couple days, until I suddenly realised that I was being completely stupid. There is no way that a phantom relationship should affect me that much, but it did. Since then, I have noticed myself on the edge of that same pattern, and I have hit the brakes so hard that it leaves skid marks on the inside of my skull. Heck, I could probably start the cycle all over again right now if I wanted to, but I'm just sick of it. It's a pattern that I've run through way too many times. But with all of that being said, I really do need to start to learn how to get to know people better, and be more intentional about it. The way that I want to enter into a dating relationship is to kind of ease into it from a friendship. It doesn't have to be a long friendship, but there has to be something more than just sharing a few sarcastic comments here and there when we happen to be together. There has to be a deeper pool than that. But, again, it all goes back to me not knowing how to get to a point where I am deeper with people. How do I break into people's groups so that they think of me when I'm not around? I don't know. How do I ask questions that lead to deeper relationships? I don't know. Do people even care about me? I don't know.
Another struggle I have is that I feel like I've shoehorned myself into being the guy who is amusing to have around and always feeling good and happy. Then, when I am feeling down, or I do want to go serious, people won't take me seriously, or they won't accept that in me. I say this because of a comment that was made to me a few years ago. I was having a rough week, and I wasn't being my usual chipper, odd self. I wasn't extremely grumpy, but I definitely wasn't making the snide comments I usually do, and I wasn't smiling as much as usual and just little things like that. One day, when I was feeling particularly unresponsive, this woman I was friends with said to me "What is wrong with you, why aren't you happy like you always are?" But she didn't say it in a 'I want to know what's wrong and help if I can' manner. Rather, it was in a 'you aren't allowed to be upset because you never are' sort of way. I still remember that to this day, and I just haven't been able to completely deal with this in my mind. It actually caused me to have trouble showing any sort of emotion because I feel like people won't accept it in me, or worse, they won't care. They'll think I'm just a whiner and a loser. Better to be seen as the court jester in my mind.
When I started this post, I didn't know where I was going to end up, but I'm not surprised that this is where it went. I've been feeling this especially hard lately, I think because there have been a few people to whom I have wanted to be better friends that have now left for the summer, but I have been butting my head against this wall. It's also hard dealing with people at the school when you are a)older than many, b)off campus, and c) not even attending the school anymore (back me up on this one Peter). It's like an entire world that has concerns that don't even remotely match the ones that I have outside of the school. I don't know if writing any of this has actually helped, but it might have. In the very least I can go back and read it just to remind myself of what I want to work on in my life. I need as many reminders as I can get that I can invite people to movies, or go out for coffee, or ask for their MSN and it won't be seen as weird or nosy or problematic.
I don't know if this is where I was going with the first try (I've saved this as a draft about ten times since that point), and I can't say if it is better or worse. I'll just have to trust that God has spoken to me regardless, and maybe even to one of you, though this seems to have been mostly a self-serving rant. Sorry it's so long.
I think I'm really tired now. Jeff and I are going to Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy on Saturday night at 7:20 at the Sunridge Theater, if anyone wants to come.
G'night.