How do you worship?

Last night at College and Career, someone mentioned that over the Christmas break he had spent some time with some friends around a piano singing hymns, and that it was his favourite moment of the break. My first reaction was one of near revulsion. The thought of just standing around with a few people at a piano and singing really does not appeal to me. When it happens, I just feel really uncomfortable. Going to a Bible College, I would often end up in a group of people, and one person would have a guitar that he/she was mindlessly strumming. Regularly that person would start strumming a hymn or chorus that everyone knew, and the group would start singing. Except for me. I would just sit and listen, or if I was feeling like it, I would quietly go elsewhere for a bit. It's not that I had anything against singing. It's just that I did not feel like participating.
When I was younger, I would really get into the 'worship' times, the singspirations, as we called them, when we would all gather and spend time singing to God and just worshipping that way. Sometime during my freshman year at college, that changed. I had trouble seperating the image of a person in those moments from the rest of their lives. Frankly, there were issues in my freshmen year of college, both with me and with other people, that have had lasting impressions on me. But sometime during that first year of college, my perspective changed, and it became hard for me to be comfortable with the singing form of worship. I felt like too many people used it as a purely emotional time. They would get in and 'feel' the music and be moved to tears and everything was so clear. The next day they would cheat on an exam, or slander a person, or just do something totally opposite of what they had shown during the music. I just couldn't stand it.
Before you get all hairy-kairy on me, let me say that I was no better than anyone, which I guess is part of the reason for the big attitude change in this area. Heck, there's part of me that would think that I was worse than most people because I could see the things that I did in secret when no one else was watching. I realise better now that most people do worse things when no one is watching than when people are watching, so that probably isn't an accurate test of how bad I am compared to other people. But, regardless, the whole concept of a night devoted to singing and nothing else really doesn't hold great appeal to me. Except, in some ways, it really does.
I think there are a couple dangers associated with worship nights. First, for many people, it is just a concert that they participate in. It is no different than any other concert they might go to. This can be equally true of the audience as it is for the musicians on stage. Second, music has the ability to affect people's emotions. There is something about music that just does that, whether it is classical, jazz, rock, or whatever. Often it isn't even the words that do it, but the rhythms and melodies and harmonies and the sounds of the words, but not the words themselves. That is something that I've noticed in my own life. Some music that I listen to really just digs itself into my being and gives a little shake. 'Clocks' by Coldplay is a song that really inspires me every time I hear it, and it has very little to do with the words. The same thing happens when people are worshipping, but because the songs are about God and praise and forgiveness, people just assume that they are really connecting with God and they let their emotions get the better of them. It would be a moment where they cry and say how terrible they are and that they are changing, and then the moment would pass, and nothing would change. Sadly, this was as true about me as it ever was about anyone. And what really got me was that there were some people who would go through this every time, and in the end, it never really mattered one iota. They simply never really changed.
All of that being said, I don't think that music is a bad thing, or that worship nights are terrible, or that we should do away with 'worship bands' in favour of one guy with an unplugged accoustic guitar. I like music, I think God has given people a definite talent for music, and I think that playing fantastic music in worship of the Almighty Creator is probably a good thing. But that's the thing: it has to be genuine worship. And that is why I have trouble singing at these big worship times, or even in church. I am acutely aware that I have trouble focussing on God when I'm surrounded by people and singing. I will either focus on the music and trying to enjoy that, or I will be trying to have the right 'worship look' (should I raise my hands? If I close my eyes I look like I'm really worshipping, etc). I'm not usually someone who likes to do things for show, so just pretending that I'm worshipping by singing isn't something I'm interested in. In fact, that desire is so strong in me that I worry when I sit down when everyone is singing, especially if I close my eyes. I think that people will think that I am being deeply moved and I'm pouring my heart out to God, when I'm actually just tired and need to get off my feet. Conversely, I also wonder if people assume that I'm a 'bad Christian' or something because I'm sitting and not singing. Sometimes I am praying, and even if I'm not, it's not that I'm not worshipping. I'm just not singing.
All of that being said, I really do enjoy worship nights; but I enjoy them on my own terms. I usually won't sing. Instead, I will sit wherever I am, often in the back away from people, just so that my seeming lack of attention to what's going on around me doesn't become an issue for anyone else, and I will spend the time writing. Sometimes it's stories, sometimes it's poetry, sometimes it's just letters to God, begging for forgiveness and praising Him for being, well, Him. I guess I worship through writing. I like to do this during worship times because I really do enjoy the music. I like to let it wash over me and to give it the chance to affect my emotions, and then I use that in my writing, in my worship. Also, when I'm alone in my car, I love to sing along with my music, and just to be moved by it. Even if it is 'non-Christian' music. Matchbox 20 is a band that can really get to me sometimes, as is Our Lady Peace. These bands often make me think, and inspire me in ways that bland, insipid 'Christian' music never could. Ah, but that's a rant for another day.
You know, there's a part of me that hopes I have offended someone with this, or if not offended them, then at least made them angry because they completely disagree with me. If that's true, let me know. I'd love to hear from anyone either way.
Peace out.