The Gauge Reads Full

Well I'm back. Didja miss me? I know I missed you.
Boy did I need a week like last week. I went to Winnipeg and was energised, recharged, filled up, invigorated, jazzed, primed, pumped and motivated. When I went I was wondering if I should even bother because everything was going wrong and I wasn't going to make it anyway. I was really down about my support, thinking that it wasn't going to come in at all and I there was no point in even trying anymore. Boy was that a wrong attitude. By about the second day I realised that God was much bigger than my worries. I had been so convinced that I knew that schedule that my support was going to follow, that I knew the timing, and when life didn't follow that plan, well, there was nothing left to be excited about. I actually was worried that I was going to get there and they would tell me to go home because I obviously wasn't going to raise enough money. I'm not kidding, I figured last week was my swan song. Then I found out that there were at least four people there who weren't even officially accepted by BFA (and thus they couldn't raise any support yet), and my sitting at roughly 40% (now 45%) was actually pretty good. These last few weeks are going to be a bit frantic, but now I realise that it is entirely possible. God wants me there, and I as long as I do my part I will get there on time.
I also just feel much more excited and energetic (at least mentally. I am still tired because I didn't get much sleep, especially the last night) than I did before I left. I met actual people who were actually going to BFA, and people who had, in actuality, worked and lived there. It is real, it does exist. God does want me there. I felt affirmed and encouraged. I was attacked and had said attack rebuffed in a chiding manner.
Okay, I wasn't going to explain that, but it is a bit...mysterious. Basically I was feeling sorry for myself and God sent someone to show me that I was being a bit of a dummy, but I say it was an attack because the situation occured near the end after I had already started really feeling a renewed sense of God's calling and if I had let it this pity party could have really hampered that, and it really did come out of nowhere. But I got the message and accepted it and now I will continue.
I feel like I learned a great deal and I met some really great people. We were fed amazing food by a wonderful woman. She said I was her best eater all week. That made me happy.
Most interesting of all, in some ways, was the last night. All week I had been writing a story that I've been working on, and the last night I was really inspired, getting some ideas down on paper, things that are really driving the story along. I get to a point where I know I have to go to bed and get some sleep, but instead I stayed up and watched the lightning and listened to the rain and doing some praying. Finally I went to my room and tried to get some sleep, but I was way to keyed up to actually sleep. Finally I sat up in bed and decided that I needed to read the books of Jonah and Amos. So I did and was struck by how much God had to say to me in those two books.
Jonah, as I'm sure you know, is a story about a man who decides to defy God's call on his life and go the other way. He gets swallowed by a large fish and then eventually follows God's instructions. Amos, as I'm sure you only may or may not know, is about a prophet who basically says that Israel is going to be crushed and scattered for their disobedience.
I read the two books and realised they were a warning to me. I had been starting to lean towards not going to Germany. I just couldn't see how it was going to happen and so I figured I had better start making plans for what I was going to do if I stayed, which was a totally not happy thought to me. But I was still going to a least look like I was trying because something good may happen, and I did still want to go. Something I had never thought about before, but which Jonah drove home, was that God's calling on a person's life isn't a suggestion from God. It's a command. I could succeed and even be pretty happy by following 'my own path', but when God gives a call, if I don't listen I am living in disobedience, and there are consequences to that. On the surface it may almost seem like Jonah managed to avoid any consequences, after all, even when he was swallowed by a fish he was still taken care of by God. But I say three days in a fish is punishment enough. That had to have smelled terrible! Amos had a similar theme - Amos prophecies against all of Israel's enemies, saying they will be destroyed. And then he says that Israel itself will be destroyed because they refused to obey God. Disobeying God is a losing proposition, even for those who are chosen by Him.
But if I follow Him, then He will surely bless my work. Jonah's preaching led the entire city of Ninevah to repent. Sure Jonah wasn't happy about it, but he had succeeded.
They also showed me that He has an amazing capacity for mercy and compassion. He saves Jonah despite his out and out rebelling. He saves the Ninevites even though they were one of the most sinful peoples. He says he will wipe out Israel, but not completely. Even though they have blatantly thumbed their collective noses at Him, he will still show mercy and allow a select few to survive, and through them He will bless the entire world.
And, in case all of these wonderful lessons were going to feed my ego and make me proud of the work I knew I would do at BFA, He showed me that "God did not call me to BFA because He need me for success, but rather because He wants me to share in His work!" (quoted from my journal entry that night). He doesn't need me to succeed. I am not so talented that I impressed Him and He hopes I will join His team. He is the sovereign one, I am merely someone lucky enough to be called to help.
I finally did get to sleep, much later than may have been good, but I definitely needed the lessons. He has shown me soo much this last week and I am eternally thankful.
I am still engaged in my fundraising efforts, but I feel much more confident about my chances now. God is so amazingly patient it just blows my mind. And now I am going to bed. Good night.