More of my journey

Part 2:
I keep waking very early. But that gives me time to spend with God before everyone else is up and about.

The kids come today, and I'm nervous. This is when the feelings of gross inadequacy really hit. I almost feel ill. It's possible I am becoming sick because one of the guys who has been sharing my room has been sick all week, but it is more likely that I am just nervous. I need to take a moment to quiet my heart before God.

The kids are here and it is going well. They are pretty good kids. There are a few clowns, but that is okay. It's fun. The language barrier is tough to work with, but it's okay. We can usually figure it out.

I am learning about focus today - I don't have much. I need more. This is something that I've known for a long time, but now I'm starting to see more precisely how it can affect things negatively.

I think I know more why I can't TALK about myself. When I'm with a group, I don't want to focus on myself, I want to focus on others, to help them, to sympathize. But when I write, that is my form of worship, my area of expression. When I write I am free to praise, to cry, to sing, to laugh, to shout. I can say anything when I write.

Sometimes life is confusing, even as a Christian. I'm not very sure of what the proper of best thing to do usually is. Today I sat to do my devotions and someone walked by to go on a walk. It would have been a good time to walk and get to know him. But then I wouldn't have done my devotions, which is a time set aside to get to know God. And I likely wouldn't have done them later. So which should I have done? I'm tired right now, so do I go to bed and miss the couple hours of haninging out with the other counsellors? I can't help wanting to help - I always want to help people and be around, but I will burn out if I'm not careful. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Ever.

It's amazing - there have been times when I have been shown a slightly larger portion of the path of my life. Within a day I am doubting what I have seen. The enemy wstes no time in launching an attack.

I need to rethink this. I'm not always as patient as I need to be.

When I leave here will I forget all that I have seen? Will nothing matter? Will the messages not matter? The time with God? The people? My memory is so short, my heart so distracted. I don't want to forget, to move on with my life as though it doesn't matter. I want these ripples to surround my life forever.

Eloi Eloi Lama Sabacthani - I don't feel this way anymore.

I just found out that my grandfather just died a couple days ago. Yesterday, actually. It was a heart attack, so it was a surprise. I always figured I would take death rather stoically. I had to share my testimony about 30 minutes later. I ended up crying for the first time in four years. I've never had to deal with this before. I feel really bad for my Grandma. They just celebrated their 50th anniversary. It will be a tough change for her. But she is tough and smart enough to lean on God. It will be hard, but she'll be okay. I'm praying for her.
Grandpa, don't worry about the harvest this year, we've got this one. Take some time and take Jesus to a Tiger's game. This may be their year. We'll miss you.

I feel like the wind has been taken out of my sails. I just don't have the energy I had before, and I don't really want to be in a group. That makes camp very hard sometimes. I don't know how to feel, this is all new and different.