Vacation

I have not worked for ten straight days now, and I have at least another two weeks. Wow, that's longer than I thought. It is crazy that I actually seem to have a vacation, at least it seems crazy to me. I've never had a job where I've got time off before. It's kind of nice, actually.
And the best part is that it is over Christmas. I'm heading home tomorrow (Tuesday) for Christmas, get to see my family. I always like going back home and visiting. Unlike many people, I don't actually dislike Saskatchewan. It's not a perfect province, but it has its charms, not least of which being how relaxed everything is. The whole pace of life is slower and more easy-going, unlike here in Calgary. In some ways I miss that. Of course, I am not terribly affected because I'm pretty good at not getting too carried away with being busy and always on the go. Even when life around me is fast paced and crazy, I'm still calm and relaxed, just kinda chillin'. Part of my charm I guess.
I like Christmas. It's kind of a nice counterbalance to the days being so short. People just seem a bit more livlier this time of year, a bit more relaxed and cheery. Not everyone, obviously, but more than usual. Smiles seem to come just a bit quicker, laughter just a bit more prevalent. It's nice to see, even if it's just for a little while, people looking at making others happy ahead of themselves. I'm not speaking of gift-giving, though that certainly is part of it. But it seems that people tend to be a bit more helpful, a bit more generous, a bit more concerned for others. Frankly, I think that the whole gift-giving thing needs to be re-thought by most people, especially on the receiving end. My philosophy is to not expect anything, and to not worry about it. I like receiving presents, but as soon as that becomes a major concern for me, then I feel like I am completely undermining any value in the gifts I have given. If I give only to expect return, then I have not really given gifts as much as I have sold them. However, if I give a gift and don't expect anything in return, then if I don't get anything, I won't be disappointed. Also, it seems like many people just have too much pressures placed on them, either by themselves or by others, to make sure everyone has a gift and that it's the perfect gift and on and on and on. It turns into an obligation. I think if you giving a gift out of obligation, then it's not much of a gift. Gifts should be because you want to, not because you have to. God didn't have to give us Jesus. He just wanted to because that's how much he loved us. Frankly, that's the best example of gift-giving I can think of.
Merry Christmas.
Wait, that's not right. Might offend someone. Um, merry Sparkle Season. Yes. That will do.

Apparently I'm into self-torture.

In one of those moments that will leave me looking back and deeply questioning my reasoning and sanity, I decided today that I would watch all four Universal Soldier movies. Yes, four. The second one in theatres was actually the fourth one made. The second and third were just made for TV affairs, and...I'll start at the beginning.
Universal Soldier came out in 1992, and starred Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren. All in all, it was an enjoyable flick. Van Damme did an admirable job of acting, and he's a pretty good fighter. I actually enjoyed Dolph as well. I think he made a decent villain, making me think that he really was a psychotic army guy. It was cheesy in parts, and the one-liners that are supposed to be funny, well, let's just say that Van Damme and Lundgren don't have the best timing in the world. Really, though, I enjoyed it, and it was five bucks well spent (I found it cheap at Zellers).
The sensible thing would have been to walk away. Or run away giggling. Or leave somehow. It's funny what greed and the hope for success can do.
Universal Soldier II: Brothers in Arms starred a block of wood as Van Damme. I mean, Matt Battaglia as Van Damme's character (named Luc Deveraux)(he's French)(from Louisianna). The love interest is continued from the first movie as well, with some blonde chick playing the blonde reporter. She has a name, it's not important. The best thing I can say about this movie is that it ended. Eventually. There were so many things that didn't make sense. The biggest one was that at the end of the first movie, Luc had regained his humanity, having turned from an unemotional amnesiac super-soldier into a person once again. He wasn't completely whole, but he definitely had regained most of his facilities. At the start of the second movie he seems to have regressed to a lower level than he had been at any time in the first movie. Heck, I'm surprised that he didn't need someone to tell him how to breathe. The woman, who is a reporter so that might explain this, manages to sneak her way into a top secret military installation and break open a cryogenic chamber and steal the guy who is instantly awake and emoting heavily. Does no one put alarms on these sorts of things?
I think that's a movie world idea. No one thinks that fail safes and warnings are necessary, or at least ones that are effective. In Total Recall, when the pressure dome is compromised on Mars and all of the breathable air is leaking out into the cold lifeless planet, someone has to push a button to cause the giant shield doors to slam down over the window, stopping the flow of air and making sure no one dies. Plus, every single window is covered, and all doors are shut, effectively trapping everyone in that room. How hard would it be to rig it to automatically close when containment is breached, and it would probably be easy to isolate that particular spot and drop only one shield into place. Same as with the second Universal Soldier. There are no alarms on the very expensive cryogenic chambers, not even a flashing light. It's like whoever designed it thought to themselves "a flashing light costs a buck at Canadian Tire, plus another couple bucks for the wiring, which would take ten minutes to install. Nah, it's easier just to assume nothing will go wrong." Plus, Burt Reynolds does what I can only assume is an Irish accent. I have to assume because it is so poorly done that it's hard to tell what exactly it is. Also, he is perpetually in shadow. He must never get a tan.
And then, someone in an oxygenless room decided to make Universal Soldier III: Unfinished Business. Sadly, it was ever so slightly better than the last one. This time, the wood is back along with blondey, and now they have to stop Reynolds, who is much better lit this time, from stealing a few billion dollars worth of gold. For his part, Reynolds basically kills everyone he comes in contact with. And then he revives them for the Universal Soldier project. There isn't really much to say about this one. Oh, when Reynolds Unisols (as they are called) go to the top secret, highly guarded military facility where the gold is being flown in, they stand at the chain link fence and use a blowtorch to cut through the fence. A BLOWTORCH. Have these people never heard of bolt cutters? You know, things that DON'T produce light and which actually work QUICKLY? Frankly, I think it was just the script writer trying to get too clever. Oh, and this one featured a clone of Luc's brother, who had been the one rescued from the cryogenic container last movie (and who had died at the end). Of course, the clone somehow remembered Luc and couldn't kill him. And then he died again. Had a bomb in the chest, and it exploded. How awkward. At the end, Luc and the reporter are building a house together and talking about how they are going to take down the Unisol program.
Universal Soldier: The Return starts with Van Damme (he's back! Yay?) helping to train the next generation of Unisols. Apparently this movie ignored the two TV movies. And basically the first movie as well, because he really hadn't been happy with the Unisol people, nor had the reporter chick. And hey, if it ain't broken, then you are watching another movie all together. Why Luc is working with Unisol is never explained. The fact that he seems to not have any need for regular freezing like he did in the first movie (all Unisols had to freeze themselves about once a day else they would overheat and, um, die more) is never explained. Is he fully healed? Can he just go longer without needing to freeze? He has a daughter (is that even possible for a dead-then-reanimated person?), but his wife, presumably the blonde chick from the first movie, is dead (probably happened when she realised that she was technically sleeping with a corpse. Eeewwww). So of course, another spunky reporter shows up and trails him around the entire movie and falls in love with him. Let's see, the military moves in to implode a building. They decided that the best way to do this is to put explosive on the ground around the outside of the building. I may not know much about explosives, but that just seems wrong to me. After the final climactic battle Luc runs out of the building, shoots one of the explosives and they all go up in a huge firey ball. Again, I'm no explosives expert, but that just seems wrong somehow. And then he hugs his daughter and the movie ends. It felt very rushed. And Goldberg can't act.
There were some decent fights, and somehow I just like Van Damme. He seemed to be having fun in some places. Sadly, if I found this movie on sale for five bucks, I'd probably buy it, just to complete the set. I wouldn't reccommend it to anyone else though.
Sigh.

Because you demanded it. Or I demanded it. Well, someone demanded it!

Movies movies movies. I've been awfully negligent and I apologise. But I am back with my witticisms and scorn, my praise and my scorn. My joy, and my, uh, scorn. I think I need a new, um, word-book.
Moving right along.
Jarhead, starring Jamie Foxx, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Peter Sarsgaard, all men with interesting double letters in their names. That is probably about the highlight of the movie. Really, the movie spends two hours and doesn't really say anything. It doesn't try to say that war is bad, or that it is good, or even that it is a necessary evil. It doesn't really support or damn any of the main characters, they just exist. The main character, played by Jake, swings back and forth between happy go lucky army guy and manic depressive army guy with no reason. It's been a while since I watched this (roughly a month I think), but the passage of time hasn't made it any better. It's not a terrible movie, but it really isn't worth seeing.
Aeon Flux, starring Charlize Theron. This movie was not too bad. I was extremely tired when I saw it, so I almost slept through it. By almost slept, I mean I was almost asleep many times in the movie, and I actually dozed off once or twice for a few seconds. It wasn't a bad movie all in all. I like the weird Sci-Fi sorta stuff, and this certainly qualifies. I would have to watch it and be more awake, but I think I enjoyed it for the most part. I'm racking my brain to come up with examples of anything from the movie, but all I can remember is that at the beginning she catches a fly with her eyelid. I don't know why the fly flew that close to her face, but it did, and so she did.
As for home movies, I watched Total Recall, which was a fun movie, lots of explosions and fighting. Arnold Schwarzenweenie can't act very well, but he is definitely very muscular. Another Sci-Fi movie that was kinda fun.
Last, but not least, is Hudson Hawk, starring Bruce Willis. I love this movie. It is full of amusing one liners, and just randomness that is so kooky, it was truly a gem. Bruce Willis gets knocked out probably a dozen times in the course of the movie, but he still manages to save the girl and foil the evil bad guys. I think he is, and especially was back then, underrated as an actor, especially in comedic roles. He can play the screwball quite well, and has a great sense of timing, at least I think. I really enjoy watching his movies - he does angry very well. Frankly, I'd reccommend this movie to anyone. Well, almost anyone. I have to admit that it is a bit crude, and some people don't take kindly to that sort of thing in movies, so to those people I reccomend Bruce Almighty, also a very fine movie. But for the rest, I'd say give Hudson Hawk a couple different viewings. You won't be sorry.
Ciao

Arr matey. Arr.

Okay, I know why Hanson stopped being popular. Their fan base was mostly young women (plus me)(I still like 'em, they have some catchy tunes)(sigh), and after a while, the women became insanely jealous over the boys' long, silky, perfect hair, and so boycotted them in protest. Rumour has it they've cut their hair. A comeback can't be far behind.

The Importance of a Good Breakfast

13. So pretty

Gordon sighed and swung futilely at the instrument panel. Those stupid kids, he thought. How had they managed to evade him so completely? But that was the fact of the matter - the kids were gone. Somehow they had got wind of his plans to destroy them when their usefulness had ended, and they had split. Taking a deep breath to settle himself, Gordon composed a message to the high command. A change of plans was needed.

“When are we now?” Tall buildings blocked any possible view of the sky. The streets were in rough shape, with potholes and cracks everywhere. There were no vehicles present on the road, however, which probably explained why they had fallen into such disrepair. James watched as a group of monkeys walked by, chittering excitedly amongst themselves. One of the primates at the edge of the pack looked over at him and stuck out his tongue before disappearing down the street with the rest. “This has got to be the future somewhere.”
Mel nodded. “We are about 100 years in the future, at least, a hundred years from our present. We’re in Cincinnati, actually. Seems that this is where time travel was first practiced and the city boomed.” She looked around a bit more, confirming in her mind that they were where they needed to be. “Interestingly enough, the Browns still haven’t won the Super Bowl.” She turned and headed back into the ship. “We have to prepare our disguises.”
Slowly, James followed her back into the time machine, which looked like nothing James had ever seen before, something indescribable. So he didn’t bother to describe it, even in his own mind.
In the cockpit, Mel was rummaging around a storage locker, muttering to herself. With a cry of triumph, she pulled out a small box. “I knew it was in here somewhere.”
James cocked his head to the side and raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything. A moment later his patience was rewarded.
“I was looking around the ship while you slept, and I came upon a manual on the computer that was much more extensive than the pamphlet. It told me about a better disguise generator than we previously had been using.” With a flick of the wrist, she tossed a small crescent shaped piece of plastic to James. “This goes behind your ear and does everything that the other generators did, plus these do it automatically. We don’t have to program them or anything, very user friendly.” She slipped one behind her ear and was instantly changed into a citizen of Cincinnati in the future. Her hair was cut short on one side and long on the other, but was somehow blended so that it looked like a wave that grew in intensity. The pants were rather baggy and the shirt was sleeveless. Both were a dull orange colour with a pale green strip running diagonally across the front. Her shoes looked like ordinary sneakers, which is what they were. Shoe fashion, it seems, had remained fairly static over the past-future hundred years.
“C’mon sweet leather jacket,” muttered to himself as he slapped the device behind his ear. A jolt of electricity ran through his head and straight down his spine. “Ow! Why does everything in the future have to hurt so much!” Rubbing his ear, he stepped to the mirror that was hanging on the inside of the door of the locker. While he was not wearing a leather jacket, he did have a rather snazzy looking western style duster on over a black shirt. His pants looked much like the jeans he was already wearing, but with more pockets. On his feet was a pair of heavy boots, looking slightly dusty and scuffed. James admired the clothes for a moment, pleased with the fashion. As he lifted his gaze upwards to check out his hair, his eyes stopped when he saw his lips. They were a glossy red colour, obviously artificially enhanced. He looked closer and saw that he was also wearing eye shadow and blush on his cheeks. He put a hand on his mouth, trying to wipe off the lipstick, and that’s when he noticed the nail polish. With a slight moan he turned to face Mel, who was really struggling to keep a straight face. “You knew about this, didn’t you.”
“It appears that men have become the wearers of make-up,” she said before collapsing in a fit of giggles.
Shaking his head in recognition, James turned back to the mirror and looked at the face pain the was wearing. “Ah well,” he sighed. “At least it got my colours right.” With that he turned to Mel, glaring at her until she composed herself. “C’mon, let’s get this over with.”
She nodded and grabbed a small handheld device that had a circle screen on the top and a series of touch pads beneath. “This will guide us to where we need to go.” She turned to address the turtle that had been watching silently. “Ruds, you keep an eye on things here. Don’t let anyone into the ship, but keep a recorder on at all times. I want to know what’s going on here.” The turtle nodded.
One more time the time machine opened, and two travellers stepped out. Maybe soon they would get some answers.

Cautiously General Quack peeked over the edge of the ledge that he was positioned on. Ducks were not plentiful in this area, but if he was careful he would be able to follow his marks fairly easily. The cows were going to be very interested in knowing where and when they had ended up. Very interested indeed. General Quack then sighed. That would have been the perfect place for an evil laugh, but he just wasn’t able to do it. Stupid inability to laugh.

What is Cincinnati like in the future? For that matter, what is it like in the present? Will they find the answers they are looking for? Can James prevail? Will his mascara run? Join us again for half-answers and more time travelling hi-jinks in the next instalment of:
The Importance of a Good Breakfast.
Same Schlakenheisermandervorsonovichenburger time, same Schlakenheisermandervorsonovichenburger place!

Impressions of flight and Vancouver

Last week was a double shot of first times for me. I flew for the first time, and I went to Vancouver for the first time. Frankly, I enjoyed both experiences. First, the flight. I entered the airport almost late because I couldn't find a cab company to answer their phones on a Wednesday morning. I ended up driving myself. But I got there, we grabbed our tickets and headed through security and immediately onto our plane. The door to the plane was just short enough that I ducked to get through it. I may not have had to, but I did. The plane was long and the aisle was narrow. I thought it was neat that the interior of the plane was curved like a long cylinder. We sat in our seats, I had the window seat, and chatted for a bit. I looked out the window and watched the other goings on on the tarmac. Finally the flight attendants went through their little spiel about seat belts, oxygen masks and the such. Then we were off, taxiing down the runway. With a burst of speed, the plane rose gracefully from the ground. I could feel myself being pushed back into my seat, but not so hard that I couldn't ignore it and continue to watch out the window. Everything became smaller and very cool looking as we rose into the sky. Then we went through the clouds and rose above them. That was the coolest part of all. The clouds looked much more solid from above than the ground. It was almost like an entire new world of solid white. And the clouds were in weird formations, some rising up like mountains in the air. It was really neat.
Eventually we reached Vancouver, and from the plane I got my first view of the ocean, and I have to say that it looks really wet. We landed smoothly, hardly any jarring at all and disembarked from the plane. Once on the ground, we drove to Langley where our first store was. I saw none of Langley because all we did was work and sleep. What I did see wasn't anything too special. In many ways it was just like parts of Calgary, and pretty much any other city I've ever been to. Then we went to downtown Vancouver for our next store.
Our hotel was right across the street from BC Place (where the BC Lions play) and GM Place (where the Vancouver Canucks play). And then we worked and slept for another five days. On the last night we were there, I went out with one of the guys I worked with and some of his friends. We walked around some of the downtown, looking at, well, basically the buildings we passed. In some ways, it was much like Calgary, but in many ways it was different. The buildings were unique. Their downtown library is a huge curved building that looks really sweet. There were many people there, and we walked down Granville street which had many little shops and even a few booths set up on the sidewalk. There was a hospital that had been done up with a massively impressive display of Christmas lights. Eventually we made our way down to a bay near Stanley Park, and there I dipped my hand into the ocean for the first time, and I was right. It was wet. And very cold. Just as I was about to turn away, it attacked. The waves had been rolling in, but one rogue wave rose up and landed on my foot, soaking my toes. I believe I have found a new nemesis: The Ocean. Oh, I will show it a thing or two, along with its pal Gravity. How I hate them both. They will not get the better of me.
And then we flew home.