Take THAT, Sir Isaac Newton

As most people have heard at some point in their lives, there are certain 'Laws of Physics', such as "A body in motion stays in motion...."(I think there's more to that one), or "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction", that sort of stuff. What people fail to realise is that there is a final rule, one not often talked about, and one that only applies on film. That rule is thus: "All other rules do not apply if an action looks cooler by breaking said previous rules." That is why things happen in movies that don't happen in real life. Real life simply does not have access to that last rule. It is a very specific rule, put in place in the 19th century by a German phycisist whose name I don't know. There you go, a free science lesson for you kiddies.

Take stock of my Bond

The World Is Not Enough

Update: Bond is wearing glasses. What a nerd. I mean, I don't know who that man is in the glasses. I've never seen him before...

Update: Apparently money can explode

Update: He's getting soaked. I guess that means he's really wearing a wet suit. You see he's driving a boat and wearing a suit and the water is spraying him making him very wet, hence a wet suit. I guess it's more of a visual gag.

Update: I want her as my doctor. HEY-ooooo!

Update: Aren't bagpipes enough of a weapon on their own?

Update: Aww, Bond and Q actually DO like each other. I'm getting all misty eyed.

Update: I think M has a crush on Bond.

Update: But that's just a guess.

Update: Claws in ladies. Moneypenny is SNARKY.

Update: You know, one of these days Bond has to come to Canada. There are only so many interesting countries out there, and he's using up most of them pretty quick.

Update: Using a helicopter and an unweildly looking set of saws to trim back some trees. That just seems like bad business sense.

Update: Yay, Bond is skiing again. It's been awhile.

Update: Note to self, do NOT jump up when exiting a helicopter.

Update: Everytime he skis, someone tries to kill him. Personally, I'd give up the sport, find something safer.

Update: Way to go, blow up your own teammate. Idiot.

Update: Whoops, wasted a perfectly good one-liner.

Update: How does ripping the parachute cause the engine to sputter? I'm confused.

Update: Okay, we have to take a minute here. When the bad guys showed up parachuting down in their little snow buggy things, my guess is that they were supposed to be going after the girl. Bond's plan is to send her skiing into the gully and he will draw them off by going through the trees. The plan works beautifully, but why? Surely they don't think he looks like a woman. Even assuming they think that he might be a woman, why do they all ignore the other person? I refuse to believe that they would all chase after him, following the more difficult route, and completely ignore the other person. If nothing else they should be trying to eliminate all witnesses. I guess now I just have to try to decide if I'm going to think that the filmmakers just left a gaping plot hole there or that the henchmen were just complete morons. Tough choice. We now return you to your regularly scheduled updates.

Update: The doctor's name is Doctor Warmflash. I think it speaks for itself.

Update: They gave Bond x-ray glasses. They'll never see him again.

Update: The bad guy has a bullet in his brain (squish) that is working his way through his medulla oblongotta, slowly killing his senses. He is now impervious to pain because he can't feel anything. What I don't get is how this is making him stronger...

Update: I wonder if his watch ever gets caught in her hair.

Update: She just can't act.

Update: At least she has big...lips.

Update: Conveniently she is the only one not wearing a full body suit. Instead, a too short tank top and short short short shorts.

Update: The bomb was set for five seconds, and he just stood there for four of it, but still managed to get away.

Update: He has said "Bond. James Bond" at least three times this movie.

Update: You ever notice that in movies people almost never use a mouse when they are doing stuff at a computer?

Update: Anyone want 120 CD cases?

Update: Seriously, I have 120 empty CD cases.

Update: He can do math in his head fast.

Update: Seriously, M has a major crush on Bond!

Update: He should look where he's going when he drives.

Update: Man that bodyguard is large!

Update: Typical female - evil.

Update: What a waste. He just shot the bodyguard. He was HUGE. He totally should have had a fight with James.

Update: Really, just not a good actor.

Update: I just can't like the movie because of her. I'm sure she's a nice person, but...shudder. Ah well. All in all, I've seen better.

Fools Of Us All - Chapter 11 (See March 6)

I wiped the remnants of tears from my eyes. The past few months had been difficult for me and the last week especially so. It felt good to release those emotions. I looked over at the young man beside me, noting his apprehensive expression. I couldn't blame him for his scepticism of before, as I couldn't blame him for his nervousness now. Even though he now believed what I had said to be true, the implications therein were rather severe. He seemed to come to an acceptance faster than I had when I had been told much the same story by Dun a lifetime ago.
With a sudden nod of the head, he reached into his pocket. Some decision had been made, and now he was acting on it. Fascinated I watched as he pulled out a primitive communication device and flipped it open, pressing a button before placing it to his face.
"Hello mom," he said into the device. "Oh, you've already heard. Don't worry, everyone is fine. No one was hurt. Okay okay, Gerry was hurt, but not seriously. They're only keeping him in the hospital as a precaution.
"No mom...mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. MOM!" He rolled his eyes in exasperation and listened for some time. I hid my smile behind my hand. "No, we're fine, don't worry. Yes the car is driveable. The windshield is being repaired right now, I can afford it.
"Look, I just wanted you to know that I am going to be a few extra days out here. No, I don't hate you. Mom, will you pipe down for a minute?" By now his head was resting against the steering wheel. I didn't bother hiding my smile any longer. This was the most amusing thing I had witnessed in some time.
Finally he managed to get a word in edgewise. "I met an...old friend here in town.
"In Moose Jaw. We're going to stay here for a bit and hang out for a while.
"No, I'm not sure when I'll be home." He looked at me, a sly grin on his face. "We'll just have to see how the timing works out."
Now it was my turn to roll my eyes.
"I'm not sure what Cindy and Gerry are going to do. He might be in the hospital for a few more days, we'll see. And if not we might send them ahead on the bus or help them rent a car or something. We'll figure that out. But I have to go now. I'll call you later. Yes, I love you to. Okay mom, good-bye." He closed his communicator and slipped it back in his pocket. "Oi."
I laughed for a bit and he smiled at me. But all good times, it seems, must come to an end, and this brief respite was no exception. "So what's our next move?"
I had anticipated the question, but I had no ready answer. "If we had any further information it would probably be easier to say, but you now know all that I know."
"Hmm, and that's not much."
We lapsed into silence, watching as a few final drops of rain splattered against the windshield. The rain was going away, and the sun was valiantly trying to break through.
Suddenly Spin perked up. "I don't know all that you know. You have that glowy globe, the one you threw at the thugs in the hospital. What exactly does that thing do?"
I could feel my cheeks become warmer. "I don't actually know. Dar died before he told me what it was for."
"So you threw it?" Spin shook his head. "I'm glad it wasn't a bomb."
I merely shrugged. What more could I say.
Spin opened his mouth to speak again, but was interrupted by two small beeps. He looked at the device on his wrist. "Oh man, we'd better get back to the hospital before Cindy or Gerry miss us."
I shook my head. "I cannot return there. Those goons may still be lurking around, or I the staff will recognise me and try to examine me again. Too many truths may be found out and that will complicate things unnecessarily." At his confused expression and indicated my left leg. He tilted his head and then his face brightened as he remembered.
"Just stay in the car, then, and I will go in and deal with Cindy and Gerry myself."
Again I indicated my disapproval. "I do not think that it would be wise to separate at this point. If something should happen to one of us it could spell major trouble."
He looked out the front window for a moment and then back at me. I wasn't sure I liked the grin on his face.

Twenty minutes later I was sure I didn't like the grin on his face. We had made a couple of quick stops on the way back to the hospital. I was now standing outside of Gerry's room wearing a long blonde wig, high heels and a dress. I also had a large pair of sunglasses, three gaudy (but fake) diamond rings on my fingers and extremely vivid red lipstick. His instructions to me were to stand in the hallway, chew my gum and look suitably ditzy. "Flirting with the doctors probably wouldn't be a bad idea either", he had said before disappearing into the room. I still wasn't sure why I had agreed to this ridiculous plan. After a few minutes he came out of the room and grinned when he saw me. "Well hey there good lookin'," he said mischievously. "You going my way?"
I pulled the sunglasses down to the end of my nose so I could properly glare at him. "Careful or you are going to regret that you made me wear high heels."
He nodded but didn't stop smiling. "I've managed to explain everything to them satisfactorily enough. Gerry is supposed to get out today and then they are going to rent a car to drive home. He said I could pay him back later. So we're free to do what we need to do."
I pushed my glasses back up to cover my eyes. "I've been thinking about that. I think our best bet would be to find somewhere so I can get information about this time. It may be that we are to accomplish a task in this time era."
"A task?"
"It occurred to me that I was given two recall devices, which means that you are to go back with me. Obviously you have some part to play in your future. But it is also in our best interest to ensure that we do everything that we can do here before we leave. We may not be able to return and if we leave anything undone it may prove to be costly." I watched as the full weight of my words hit him.
"May not be able to return?"
I nodded. "Surely the M.E.R.C.s have destroyed the machine by now. I do not even know if we will be able to return to my time without it, but I suspect that the recall devices will still be able to do that. But once we are back in my time we will no longer be able to use the machine to return you to now."
"IF it was destroyed." He said this almost desperately.
"Yes," I agreed softly. "If."
He took a deep breath and nodded. "All right then, I think I know of a place. Let's go." With a sense of purpose he turned and began to walk down the corridor. I followed, glad that he seemed to be accepting things fairly well. It would not have been good to see him resisting what he had heard.
We rounded a corner and I had to stifle a gasp even as I grabbed Spin and shoved him back around the corner where he fell to his knees. Exiting a room was one of the bruisers we had confronted before. He paused at the threshold and looked back inside. "Don't worry Tank, I'll find the punks who did this to you. They won't get far." With that he closed the door softly, his expression dour. With a well practiced flick of the eyes he scanned the hallway, hesitating only slightly when he saw me. He didn't recognise me behind my disguise, however, and with a slight nod he turned and walked the other way, disappearing around a corner.
"What was that all about?" Spin had regained his feet and was peering around the corner.
I let out a breath I hadn't realised I was holding. "It was one of the thugs. The other one is in that room there--" I pointed down the hall-- "and neither, it would seem, is too happy at the moment." Turning around I headed back the way we had come. "I think it would be best if we took the stairs."
A few minutes later we stood at the bottom of the stairs, peering out of the door for any signs of our thuggish friend. Everything appeared to be clear, so we cautiously made our way towards the main waiting area and our exit. I was watching behind us when I heard Spin make an interested sound.
"Huh. I don't think I've seen those uniforms before."
I turned my head and stopped cold. Grabbing Spin's arm I pulled him back a couple steps. "That's because it does not become a uniform for some time yet." I found that I was whispering, my throat suddenly dry. "Those are M.E.R.C.s."

Where's the cowbell?

A View To A Kill

Update: I hate the title.

Update: And once again, Bond is skiing. I think Roger Moore was addicted to skiing. Also, he appears to be carrying a purse. A white one. At least we know it is before Labour Day.

Update: Yay! 80s Techno Pop music! Listen to that synthesizer wail. Oh baby. Duran Duran was so dreamy. Sigh.

Update: It's one of the little remote control car droids from Star Wars!!

Update: Modern toasters have microchips, apparently. Cool.

Update: It's Christopher "I'd Be More Famous If I Wasn't So Creepy" Walken. He looks so young!

Update: That woman is wearing the second tallest hat I've ever seen.

Update: Q called them vit-amins, pronounced with a short 'i'. That is sweet.

Update: Bond is in a Bentley. I want a Bentley. They are REALLY nice cars.

Update: It's Midge from That 70s Show. Weird.

Update: I like the white horse the best. He's my buddy. Hey buddy. What's up? You're my bestest buddy aren't you? Yes you are. Oh yes you are.

Update: We're going to be best friends forever, aren't we. You are so cute with your white coat. So shiny and pretty. Get a good's nights sleep, we will play tomorrow. Oh so cute.

Update: She is CREEPY!

Update: CREEPY!!!!!!

Update: James Bond would be happy if he could be a naked spy. I mean all the time, not just most of the time.

Update: The horse's name is Inferno. I hope it blows up and starts a fire. That would be cool.

Update: He's taking the Bentley through a CAR WASH. Is he insane? I'm glad he got killed while the car was being washed. He deserved it. Dolt.

Update: I know how he's cheating at the horse races. He's putting NOS in the horses. "Dude, how much NOS is in the tank?"

Update: "Killing Tibbet was a mistake." "Well I'm about to make the same mistake twice." What, you're going to kill Tibbet twice? Leave the poor guy alone, his day has been rough enough as it is, what with taking the Bentley through the car wash and being killed and all.

Update: Seriously, CREEPY!

Update: Why are you throwing the Bentley in the lake? It's already been washed today.

Update: Wow, the Russians just showed up, and now they are leaving. That was random.

Update: Ooh, board meeting on a blimp. And he just walked out of the room with the bad guy's henchwoman (who is CREEPY). This guy is STUPID. And dead.

Update: They just used the title in their dialogue, and I have to admit, once it's said in context, it's still a stupid title.

Update: That fisherman looked like he wanted to be a pirate, but just couldn't quite do it. Or maybe he was an undercover pirate. Hard to say.

Update: Water way to go. Get it? Cuz he died in the water. It's a pun. Funny. I'm a funny guy.

Update: It must a cold night.

Update: HE'S NAKED AGAIN!

Update: "The bubbles tickle my...Tchaikovsky!"

Update: Two aliases in one movie? James, you're slipping. Are you becoming ashamed of the Bond name?

Update: I wanted to say something funny a women coming out of a closet with a shotgun, but it's more of a visual gag really.

Update: The cat's name is Pussy. Good name. Shows wit, imagination, creativity.

Update: I love old movies and how they make a big deal of computers. Ooh, green and black screens. Whee, pixels!

Update: Hey little horse buddy. Was just thinking about you. Remembering the good times we had before, watching you look out of your stable. I miss you.

Update: I love Christopher Walken. He should do a buddy comedy with Q. Which might be hard cuz Q's dead. But that's beside the point.

Update: Huh, elevators are highly flammable. Who knew.

Update: You can't fight city hall. But you CAN burn it to the ground.

Update: TOKYO POLICE CLUB!

Update: He's making his getaway in a fire truck. One of the really long ones with the ladder part that has a separate driver. I think it might work!

Update: And it worked.

Update: Wait, maybe not.

Update: No, I was right. It worked.

Update: His plan is to flood Silicone Valley.

Update: Christopher Walken looks like he is having fun, no matter what he is doing. He could make kidney stones look like a good time!

Update: Seriously, that chick is CREEPY!

Update: Well now, that wasn't very nice. You shouldn't blow up mines with people still in them. You go apologise to all of those dead mine right now.

Update: Sure, you can survive being beaten up by Jaws, Oddjob, and the large East Indian guy, but one rock to the head and you are out like a light. Pansy.

Update: "Help, I'm drowning! I know, I'll grab the metal frame that is touching exposed wires. That will save me!" It didn't save him.

Update: Umm, when I said that Q was dead earlier, I meant Desmond Llewelyn, the actor who played Q. The character of Q is still alive.

Update: You know, if this plan succeeds, then Bill Gates is probably toast. A part of me hopes it works.

Update: That is ALOT of explosives. You don't understand what I mean (unless you've seen the movie) when I say it is ALOT of explosives. Imagine a large number. Larger. Larger. Too large, don't get carried away. There you go. It's that many explosives.

Update: Don't follow the explosive you idiot. Run away from the explosion. AWAY! Gosh, why are you not dead yet?

Update: The Golden Gate Bridge. It's orange and has no gate.

Update: Do it. Just do it. Just do it.

Update: You know, even though she is dead, that chick is still CREEPY. Slightly less so, actually.

Update: He'll be fine.

Update: Tap a car lightly and it explodes like the fourth of July, put have an explosion on a dirigible and it blows up like a wet First of July. See what I did there was make a joke about how big and over-the-top crazy the Americans are in their celebrations as compared to how Canadian celebrations are often less grandiose. Also, an airship full of explosive gas would probably burn more spectacularly. Sigh. I like big explosions.

Update: Don't cry Moneypenny, James is still alive, and he still loves you!

Update: Q is a peeping tom! I still like him.

That was a pretty fun movie. The girl was a bit of a 'scream-and-hope-I-get-saved-because-I-can't-help-myself' sort of stereotype, but she did all right. Coming up next - um...Timothy Dalton stars as James Bond in a movie with a title! Ciao

Update update: I apologise, it wasn't a Bentley. It was a Rolls Royce. Everything I said about the Bentley still applies to the Rolls though.

Update update: Dolph Lundgren was in this movie. He must not have spoken because I didn't notice.

At least Q is still cool!

Octopussy

Update: I'm watching Octopussy and eating pie. A good day in my books.

Update: Three minutes in and he's already been captured. Bond is the worst spy ever.

Update: He was being taken away in the back of a truck, being guarded by two men. They were distracted by a pretty girl and he was able to pull the ripchords that deployed their parachutes. The parachutes caught the air and pulled them off of the truck. I still am not sure why they were wearing parachutes in the first place. I guess you can never be too careful?

Update: Now he's flying a plane that was disguised as a horse.

Update: Oh no, the clown's escaping. Get him!

Update: Good, they got him!

Update: The clown was a spy. Or perhaps the spy was a clown...

Update: The Russians are holding auctions to raise money. They are so evil!

Update: It's never pretty when generals sulk.

Update: A helicopter with pontoons for water landings. Cool.

Update: The hotel clerk looks like he's wearing one of those fake mustaches and nose set of glasses.

Update: It's hard to take the thug seriously when he is wearing a turban. Turban's just aren't intimidating.

Update: She scrapbooks, twenty years before it was cool. She is soooo avant garde. Arrr.

Udpate: The pie is a cranberry-apple pie. It was good. It is done now.

Update: Darn birds.

Update: James spoke. Unfortunately, he was impersonating a dead body at the time. Fortunately they didn't notice. Idjits.

Update: Now he's swinging through the trees and yelling like tarzan. Sigh.

Update: Somehow my sound and picture became uncoordinated. I have to shut 'er down and try agin.

Update: All fixed.

Update: He's gonna get some octopussy booty.

Update: Later

Update: I LIKE Q! HE'S FISHING! AND WEARING A HAT!

Update: She is in shipping, hotels, and circuses. Diversify, diversify, diversify.

Update: That was the angriest kiss I've ever seen.

Update: Okay, now he's gonna get...you know.

Update: Q was just killed! Just kidding. It was only some guy who was helping Q keep an eye on Bond. it's okay.

Update: ooh, a circus.

Update: Aaahhh, a clown. Get him. Get him!!

Update: On a related note, you should go see The Prestige. I guess you'd have to rent it. Either way, watch that movie. That's a good movie.

Update: Having the Russians try for world domination in 1983 seems to be a bit desperate on the part of the screenwriter. True, it is a rogue guy, but it seems like an old cliche by then. Sure the wall didn't fall until '89, but that was just a symbolic act. The iron curtain was rather see through long before then.

Update: Oooookay. The rims lost the rubber, so naturally he was able to drive on railroad tracks like a train. Cuz cars are the exact same width as trains. Convenient.

Update: That crane got there fast.

Update: He's in the gorilla suit! Look in the gorilla suit! They never look in the gorilla suit.

Update: He's still there! He's not even standing still!! Are you going to look?!

Update: Oh sure, wait till he leaves and THEN check the gorilla suit. Idjit.

Update: He's in Germany. Why can't I be in Germany? I want to be in Germany.

Update: Okay, baby tigers are cute.

Update: That's what you get for not getting off the phone, lady. He'll steal your car every time.

Update: And they used the "get a blast out of this" line. As soon as I saw the nuclear bomb (there's a nuclear bomb) I knew that line would get used somewhere.

Update: They're using BMWs for police cars. Europe is so cool.

Update: Now Bond is the clown. Won't somebody get the clown already?!?

Update: Okay, so he was telling the truth about the bomb, and he probably saved thousands of lives. But he's dressed as a clown! GET HIM!

Update: Yay! Q is flying a hot air balloon!

Update: Girls in bikinis carrying large guns. It's probably best if I don't comment on that...

Update: Ooh, Q's a playa.

Update: He's holding onto a plane with one hand. While it is flying.

Update: And now the turban thug has been sent out onto the wing to get him. Sigh.

Update: Why'd they kill the turban guy? He never wore a clown suit!

Update: I won't say this was the worst Bond so far. I may think it loudly. Loudly enough to type it. But I won't say it.

Update: I want more pie.

Jingle Bells vs Thunderstruck

"Get a fire permit!" That was the advice that the RCMP officer gave us at work today. Intrigued? You should be.
I'm working at an acreage out near Strathmore (about 30 mins east of Calgary). While I was in the basement of the house working on drywall, our boss went outside and decided to burn some fire. I think the plan was to just burn off some of the overgrowth because the lawn and grass hadn't seen much upkeep for some time. A while later, he came back inside and told us to go outside and get around to the one edge of the fire to keep it under control, to make sure it didn't jump the road. It shouldn't have been near the road, but the wind blew it that way. It was a very swirly wind.
The fire was going pretty good, and it was up to the road at one point, but it never did get over. We managed to beat it back, and then we heard a roll of thunder. It rained for about three seconds, and then turned into a large snow. It wasn't snowing individual snowflakes, but tiny little snowballs. It was pretty cool.
The fire was then extinguished where we were, and we went over to our boss about the same time as the arrival as the fire truck. We went back inside and let our boss deal with the fire crew and the RCMP guy. It was a fun day at work. We had a thunder-blizzard.

James. Bond James.

For Your Eyes Only

Update: This was released the year I was born!

Update: The return of Dr. Evil. Dun-dun-duuuuuuu! And he's dead.

Update: I love how Bond and Moneypenny flirt

Update: Yay! The early eighties when men wore short shorts!

Update: James Bond's burglar alarm is a bomb that blows up the car if anyone messes with it. It works great. Once.

Update: His new car is getting less aerodynamic with each passing moment

Update: An ice rink, and no one is playing hockey? What a waste.

Update: Wow, for the first time ever, Bond didn't let the pretty girl know he was a spy.

Update: And now he is resisting the pretty young woman. What is wrong with him?

Update: I stubbed my toe, and it really hurts.

Update: Dirtbikes with metal spikes on the tires for traction in snow. I want one.

Update: And the truth comes out. Biatheletes (skiing and shooting) are all assassin-snipers.

Update: Apparently James Bond could win all of the winter Olympics. By himself. Even the hockey.

Update: He picked up his dirtbike and threw it at Bond. He missed.

Update: Finally, hockey players. They're terrible at fighting, though. Must be European players. He knocked one down with the Zamboni.

Update: Psychos in dune buggies just ran over a woman. And then the psycho was killed with a spear in the back.

Update: The shark looked like it had a gotee.

Update: Look out Bond, it sounds like Darth Vader is coming to get you!

Update: Those shorts are so tight I can tell what religion he is.

Update: The shark totally attacked that guy's crotch first.

Update: Q dressed as a priest! I bet he'd have some great gadgets for penance!

Update: And now they have a woman jumping on a trampoline. Sigh.

Update: Well now, that wasn't very nice, slapping a woman. Especially one who had just jumped on the trampoline for you. Sigh.

Update: Right through the stain glassed window. There's a surprise.

Update: Hey, he laughed! Russians didn't laugh! They were too evil for laughter.

All done!

...As I Salad

Time start - 12:06
Whenever I say something kinda dumb, I like to laugh and say in a self-deprecating manner "at least my mom thinks I'm cool" in an effort to diffuse the embarassment...it would work better if I could get my mom to stop saying "no I don't" whenever she hears it...that hurts mom...scientific fact: if you laid all of the elephants end to end in a straight line, you'd have alot of unhappy elephants...especially the ones who ended up in the arctic...or New Jersey...and why do you have enough time to be lining up elephants anyway? I think someone needs a new hobby...computers in general are evil, and mine is their leader...if computers are so evil, does this make Bill Gates some sort of insane despotic overlord?...anyone else think it interesting that as soon as the Cold War ended, Global Warming began?...I think we need to get Russia a few more nukes and a reason to hate us again...how about Brittany Spears?...you've got to wonder about the geniuses who came up with brilliant scheme of 'mutually assured destruction' during the cold war...their best idea was to have enough nuclear weapons to destroy the world multiple times over, and then point them at the country that developed Russian Roullette as a means of entertainment...they say that when you are down it helps to thank God for the little things...so thank you God for atoms...molecules...paramecium..s...paramesiei?...Gary Coleman...Roughrider winning seasons...the combined intelligence of the world's politicians...y'know, the little things...so what is it that makes men like car crashes and explosions so much...is it some sort primeval need to be involved in hunting for wild game...is it a deep seeded neurosis that makes us crave destruction...is it a way of compensating for the confusing mix of emotions that one finds churning within his gut...emotions like love, fear and a desire to belong....oh right, it's the testosterone...i have seen videos where people get hit by a car and survive, and their first instinct is to get up and assure everyone that they are okay (and to look for their shoes)...why don't they ever get mad?...they were just hit WITH A CAR!...I love every muscle in your body...remember, there is no 'I' in teim...I wonder if people ever asked Sammy Davis Jr what his dad's name was...paramecia!...that's the plural of paramecium...yes I did look it up...is nerdulance a word?...(no)...come back Star Trek, we miss you...people say that I am random...TOKYO POLICE CLUB!...I don't know why...when a daredevil says 'Kids, don't try this at home', does that mean it is okay for parents to try it?...that's not really fair...what if the kid tries it at school, is that okay?...hey, I managed to get through an entire post without mentioning Peter's new car - Princess Tinklepot...I bet he's glad that I didn't mention Tinkles...oh wait...well, I'm out.
Time end - 12:53

If only it didn't taste like evil mixed with wet monkey...

Sometimes I wish I liked coffee. There is an image around coffee that I enjoy. The whole concept of 'going for coffee' for example. It's a time to sit around, chat, get to know each other or hang out with an old buddy. It is a time where hurts can be healed, now relationships forged, and existing bonds strengthened. I realise that you don't have to get coffee when you go for coffee, but it's not called going for Coke or milkshakes. It's 'going for coffee'.
There is also the fact that places are set up for coffee more than they are for tea, which is my choice of warm beverage. At a restaurant, you can get near unlimited refills on coffee. My brother often will have five or six cups over an hour or two. Whereas with tea, you can only get refills of hot water, and the teabag runs out after a couple of cups, especially if you like strong tea. Many places will then charge you for another teabag if you want it. I'm not complaining, I understand how these things work. I'm just...wistful I guess.
It's the same with drinking. I don't want to go out drinking all the time and partying and all that goes with that. Vomitting for any reason is not fun. But there is an image that goes along with drinking, with going to the pub and having a drink with a friend. It's much the same as coffee, though more expensive. But sitting down with a rye and coke or a Bud and just chillin', having a good time, it's an apealing image.
On the other hand, I have NO desire to like mustard or peanut butter. In fact there are days when I wished I was allergic to peanut butter just because people seem to find it hard to believe that I don't like it. Of course, peanut allergies seem to be about the deadliest allergies out there, so I'm okay with having to explain myself. But I do have days.

Fools Of Us All - Chapter 10 (See February 15)

Zzzz-kchunk.
Zzzz-kchunk.
Zzzz-kchunk.

For a long time the only sound was my windshield wipers against the window, clearing away the great sploches of the early morning rain that continued to fall all around us. I was glad that the car had a strong fan, enough to keep the fog from clouding the windows again. The man at the repair shop had said that my new windshield would be repaired in a few hours and they were kind enough to provide me with a courtesy vehicle in the meantime. Since there was nothing else to do I decided that I felt like driving around, and Caz had come along.
A left turn put us on a nearly deserted street. Caz had just finished relating her recent history to me, right up to the moment that I smashed her with my car. It was hard to put into words what I was thinking. A glance over at her showed that she was watching me intently, looking for a reaction of some kind. "I...find this very hard to believe," I finally said, skepticism colouring my voice. A time travelling girl from the future looking for me because together we could save the world. I just couldn't see how it could be true.
I obviously disappointed her. "I realise this is a bit of a shock, but you must understand - the prophecy was very clear that you are the saviour foretold." Her eagerness was almost infectious, but it was just too hard to believe.
"Ah yes, the prophecy. I don't see how you can believe in such nonsense. No one from the future would ever believe in prophecy and oracles and omens. Isn't the future a place of reason?" Back at the hospital, she had seemed to alluring, so exotic. I had been ready to believe anything, especially when the two thugs jumped us. But now that I had had some time to think, some time to clear my head and let the adrenaline wear off, I saw that she was just a con artist. I bet she just owed those guys some money and didn't want to pay up. Travelling from the future indeed.
"Ignorant fool." She sat back, a scowl on her face. "You look at the world and just assume that all you can see is all that there is. It is a pity that you are not blind enough to truly see." With that cryptic comment she lapsed into silence.
Zzzz-kchunk.
Zzzz-kchunk.
"You know," I began casually, "I was ready to believe almost anything about you. There were many stories that you could have told me that I may have believed. But a story about oracles and time travel is entirely too far of a stretch. I'm sorry." The thing of it was, I really was sorry. There was something about her that just fascinated me.
Without warning she leaned over and pulled the wheel sharply, forcing me to park roughly at the side of the road. "You desire proof, you want signs and wonders in order to believe. Perhaps then you can find the faith to understand what I have told you. Or perhaps not." With a quick move she dropped her pants down to her ankles. "I will give you your sign."
Before I had a chance to feel appropriately uncomfortable, a knife appeared in her hand. Taking a deep breath and closing her eyes, she lowered the tip of the knife against her left knee. Digging it in, she slowly pulled the knife down the side of her calf, drawing a red line down her leg. I could see in her face that this hurt her, and I moved to stop her.
"What are you doing?" Just as my hand reached the knife it was moved to the bottom of my chin.
"Touch me and I'll ensure the prophecy is false myself."
I got her meaning and sat back, wincing as the knife returned to her leg. Two quick slashes at either end of the self-induced gash turned the skin into a flap. Placing the knife on the seat beside her she reached down and carefully started to pull the skin back.
That was more than I could handle. I closed my eyes and turned away. A hand slick with blood grabbed my face, turning it back to face the leg. "Open your eyes. See your wonder."
Reluctantly I peeked one eye open. Slowly my other eye opened beneath furrowed brow. For rather than blood, bone, and brawn, there was instead metal, wire, and blinking lights. Traces of red liquid (I couldn't call it blood) were smeared around the edges of the cut and dabbed a few spots here and there.
"When I was ten, I fell down into a ravine. A small avalanche of rocks followed behind me and my leg was caught underneath. By the time I was found my leg was no longer salvageable. I had to be fitted with a new leg every year until my sixteenth birthday when I stopped growing." Carefully she placed the flap of skin back where it had been. "Medical science has come quite far, but it has yet been able to make a prosthetic that does not cause pain to the user." I watched in amazement as the skin started to repair itself before my eyes. "The skin around the limb is artificial, but the nerves to which it is attached are very real."
Zzzz-kchunk.
Zzzz-kchunk.
Zzzz-kchunk.
I swallowed hard. Suddenly an oracle didn't seem quite so far out of the question. "Does that hurt everytime?" I was finding it hard to look away from her leg. It was almost completely smooth. Only a faint line remained, showing where she had cut.
Pulling her pants back up she nodded. "I can feel it with every step. It was a long time before I was able to block the pain out enough to run. Now it is second nature, but the pain is never gone." She turned to face me. "Try and tell me that you have anything like this right now."
I couldn't. With great reluctance my head started to accept what I had already known deep down was true. "You really are from the future." She nodded. "And that means I really am supposed to save the world." Again she nodded. "Any idea how?"
A sigh escaped her lips, partly, I think, in relief that I finally believed her, and partly in frustration. "No. Before they could tell me anything more I had to leave. I don't know what we are supposed to do now!" The frustration in her voice was palpable, causing me to pull back ever so slightly. A completely useless feeling washed over me when I saw the tears begin to flow down her face. Hesitantly I reached out and put a comforting arm around her shoulder, letting her cry. Truth be told, I had no idea what to do or say, and kind of felt like crying myself. The world as I knew it had suddenly changed. The rain outside seemed to fit my mood exactly.
Zzzz-kchunk.
Zzzz-kchunk.
Zzzz-kchunk.

Bond never dies!

Live and Let Die

Update: That was, without a doubt, the weirdest funeral procession I have ever seen.

Update: A man just died by being headbutted by a snake.

Update: Beards in the 70s were ugly. The sideburns, however, were truly inspiring!

Update: They just called Bond a honky. Can they do that?

Update: Okay, I just realised that we are looking at a full on 70s style disco-esque jargon. Dig, baby?

Update: Honky count - 2

Update: Dude's wearing a top hat, a tuxedo jacket, and a loincloth. It's not quite a traditional dinner look.

Update: This is the first girly-girl that has been in a Bond movie.

Update: The CIA must have been extremely desparate to have recruited this girl.

Update: He has his shirt off. The tradition continues.

Update: This guys sounds a bit like a black Brando.

Update: He just did a donut in a double decker bus.

Update: Jane "Dr. Quinn" Seymour was a Bond girl.

Update: Speedboats make very large explosions.

Update: Now some guys seem to be making love to a pole. That's, um, interesting.

Update: And now I am going to leave for a while. I'll continue when I return.

Update: I'm back. Didja miss me?

Update: The head-butting snake is back! Bond shot him, so it's okay.

Update: Crazy dancing laughing man is back! Yay! And he's dead.

Update: Somehow, James Bond has basically no scars. I'm impressed.

Update: Oh, by the way, your watch is also a small buzz saw. Sweet.

Update: He was exploded like a balloon.

Fin

Yet Again, I Give You Bond

Diamonds Are Forever

Update: Death by mud, how embarassing.

Update: If you can believe this movie, then everyone who works in a diamond mine is corrupt.

Update: And the scorpion killed him in two seconds. Bad scorpion. Bad!

Update: Oh Moneypenny, James will love you someday.

Update: "That's quite a nice little nothing that you're almost wearing."

Update: Sean Connery was just making out with himself

Update: A funeral home called Slumber Inc. How fitting.

Update: "You handle those cubes like a monkey handles coconuts!" This woman is driving me bananas.

Update: "Blow up your pants." What does that even mean?

Update: His name is Professor Doctor Metz. Does this mean his parents named him Doctor...?

Update: He is driving a moon buggy and being chased by three wheeler ATVs. Doesn't get much cooler than that.

Update: He gets the car up on two wheels with the driver's side in the air and squeezes through the alley. Halfway through the car switches around and comes out with the passenger side in the air. I have got to get me one of those cars, that's something special!

Update: That man's suit matches his car.

Update: "One of us smells like a tart's handkercheif."

Update: Q would have been an awesome father. Imagine the toys you'd get for Christmas!

Update: They just sacked James Bond! Right in the gonads. That's low.

Update: Bond is wearing a pink tie! Or for shame, Mr. Bond. For shame.

Update: Eww. He just shook hands with a guy who just finished in the bathroom and didn't wash his hands. Ick.

Update: Q is cheating at the slots machines. I didn't even know you COULD cheat at the slots machines.

Update: The satellite floats through space until it gets ready to fire the laser, and then it stops completely, and then it goes on its merry way.

Update: I'm not wearing pants.

Update: "If you destroy Kansas, the world will not hear about it for years." Touche.

Update: They put him in the brig. The brig ends up being a janitor's closet with an unlocked hatch in the floor. Very secure.

Update: I'm jealous. I want a bathosub too!

Update: "If you're having a good time, let the captain know and I'll have him steam around in circles." ...the heck?

Update: Aannnd Bond was just attacked with two flaming shish-kabobs.

Update: Four of Sean Connery's six Bond movies end with him in the ocean in a boat.

Fin

Bond. James Blond. I mean, Bond.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service

Update: Bond is wearing a pink shirt! How the mighty have fallen.

Update: Twenty minutes in and already two midgets. Who says this is a bad movie?

Update: "What she needs is a man to dominate her! To make love to her enough to make her love HIM!" I miss the sixties.

Update: That's right, don't marry her for love, sex, or money. But revenge? Well, that's a noble reason if I've ever heard one.

Update: Yay! A cheesy montage where they fall in love! After six Bond movies, that really is what we want to see...

Update: New from Canon, a combination photocopier, printer, and safe-cracker. For all of your espionage needs.

Update: He's wearing a kilt at dinner. A woman writes something secretly on his leg. She takes enough time and motions enough to write a phone number. When we finally see it, it's an 8. My conclusion is that women are obviously illiterate and need a man in there life. A strong man who can dominate them!

Update: So, according to the movie a person is allergic to chickens because she hates them and she has been cured by making her like them. I like penicillin. I like penicillin. I like penicillin.

Update: Three tram cars have left the top of the mountain, and none have come back up. I'm not quite sure how that's possible.

Update: He's skiing on one ski. JAMES BOND INVENTED SNOWBOARDING!!!!!

Update: And he has officially lost all ninja skills that he acquired in the previous movie. He's sort of an anti-ninja now.

Update: They have just driven their '69 Mercury Cougar into a stock car race - a race consisting of Austin Minis and Volkswagen Beetles. Awesome!

Update: James has just declared his undying love to his woman, and proposed marriage. She is so gonna die.

Update: Man, Swiss people are dedicated to their jobs. The guy in the big snow blower ran over a guy and killed him and he didn't even slow down.

Update: And the love of James' love was just knocked unconcious by her own father (and no, he's not the bad guy of the movie or anything, he just knocked her out so that she'd stop arguing - shrewd man...)

Update: Finally, after all this time we get to the high speed bobsled race. This moment could not arrive fast enough.

Update: At the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver, they need to give the bobsledders hand grenades. It really makes things more exciting.

Update: Aaaaaaannnnnnd she's dead.

In the end, it was all right. I've liked others better though.

More Bond!

You Only Live Twice

The plan is as follows: First, Bond must become Japanese. Second, Bond must train to become ninja - allotted time. A week, give or take. Third, take on a Japanese wife, one with "a face like a pig!" A very sexy pig, apparently. I won't look at pigs the same way. Long Live Bond!

Update: He makes a very tall, white Japanese man!

Update: He killed a ninja. By stabbing him in the hip. But it's okay, the ninja was an imposter. Probably wasn't even a real ninja.

Update: I just found a comic I have where Archie teams up with The Punisher! I'm so excited!

Update: He just blew open a lock and four people heard it. That's not very ninja like, James.

Update: Now three white guys are walking around a facility where there are only Japanese people, and no one noticed. Apparently he is more ninja-like than I thought.

Update: They totally copied Dr. Evil from Austin Powers. I'm so ashamed, they can't even come up with their own villain.

Update: Yay, ninjas!

Update: These ninjas seem to be from the Suicide Squad, as they are all dying.

Update: The ninjas with the guns are being killed, but the guy with the sword is invincible!

Update: In a movie taking place entirely in Japan, and dealing heavily with ninjas, why is the climactic battle between two large white guys?

Update: He blows up a space vessel about ten feet away from another space vessel, and the non-blown up one isn't even rocked a little bit. I love physics!

Update: The End!

Bond Update!

In You Only Live Twice Bond has to go to Japan and make contact with people there. His code phrase is "I Love You". Miss Moneypenny, the secretary with whom he is always flirting, tries to get him to say it to her, but he coyly declines. Later, he makes contact with a girl in Japan and you can just see how uncomfortable he is with actually uttering those words. Connery did a masterful job of showing how hard he finds it to actually say that simple phrase.
Even later he is with the head of the Japanese secret service, and there are serving girls who are giving them baths (a Japanese thing), and then Bond is asked to pick one to give him a massage. He picks one and the Japanese guy says that it is a good choice because she is "very sexyful"! I couldn't believe I heard that. That is awesome (and completely hilarious).
And then Bond does something that proves he might actually be a spy. He uses an alias. This is the first time in five movies that he actually uses a name other than his own. It doesn't work, they still try to kill him, but I give him full points for trying.

Shaken, not Q'ed

I just finished watching Thunderball, starring Sean Connery as James Bond. My roommate purchased the four volume box set of all James Bond films (excluding the one that came out last year, whatever it was called), so I decided I would watch through them. So far I've enjoyed them. They are obviously movies that you can't watch with too critical an eye because there are logic holes that are wildly gaping. The thing is, they are only holes in the real world. For the most part, things work differently in the Bond world, and within that world everything that occurs makes perfect sense. Thunderball is the fourth movie, and it was entertaining.
I'll be honest, I'm not a huge Bond fan. I can appreciate them and, as I've said, can be entertained by them, but they are by no means my favourite movies out there. I often find them to be a bit unappealing. I find it difficult putting my finger on exactly why. Part of it, at least for the first few, is that the movies seem so dated to me. Not just because they take place in the 1960s, but just in the style of how movies were made then. I suppose I'm just accustomed to how movies are filmed in the present, but that isn't entirely the problem because there are old movies that don't bother me like these ones do. The Bridge On The River Kwai was made in the 50s, and I didn't have the same problem I do with the early Bond films. There's just something about the style of the movies that turns me off. Not the whole thing, either, just parts here and there. For the most part I'm not bothered at all. And the illogicalities of the plot and the characters doesn't bother me. Take the movies for what they are, it's a great deal more satisfying.
That being said, I do have a question about the end of Thunderball. They are on an out of control boat that is about to hit some rocks and explode. Bond, the girl (cuz there's always a girl), and some random guy run to the edge of the boat. The random guy says that he can't swim, so Bond gives him a life saver, one of those round floaty tubes, and pushes him overboard before jumping in with the girl. You can see all three of them in the boat. After watching the explosion (ka-BOOM!!!) a plane flies by and drops an inflatable raft. It inflates (which is probably a good thing) and the girl climbs in, followed by Bond. They then inflate a small balloon with an on board tank of helium. It floats into the air and the plane flies by again. This plane has a weird contraption on the front, and as it flies by this last time this contraption snags the cable running from the balloon to the boat. The cable is attached to the back of James' wet suit. It jerks him up into the air and since he is holding on to the girl, she goes up with him. I am willing to ignore the fact that doing something like that is extremely dumb and pointless, especially given how there are boats in area that could just pick him up. I am also willing to ignore the fact that it would be extremely hard, if not impossible, to hold on to the girl when the cable gets tight and yanks Bond into the air. Remember, he is now being pulled by a plane, something that has to be going fast enough to stay in the air. My question is: what happened to the other guy? He never climbs into the boat, they never show him after he lands in the water, he just disappears. Did he walk ashore? Did he get caught by some flaming wreckage? Was he eaten by sharks (there were alot of sharks in the movie, so this is actually plausible)? Was he really a half-human, half-fish mutant and the statement about not being able to swim was just to throw people off of his secret identity? We'll never know. Even if it just means they left him there, they still just completely abandoned this guy in the middle of nowhere, with no means of waving down a ship other than shouting. Seems rather random.
I like listening to the commentaries on movies. These movies, so far anyway, the commentaries are made up of different clips of interviews done with various actors, directors, producers, and the editor (one guy edited the first six movies, and they seem to like him on these commentaries), and in between these clips there is narration provided by some guy from "The Ian Fleming Institute" (for anyone unaware of Ian Fleming, he was the author of the books about James Bond, which the movies are based on). This guy has some interesting things to say, but he is WAY too enthusiastic about the movies. To listen to him, you'd start to believe that no movie in the history of movies has been as good as a James Bond movie. He talks about how every movie was so influential and how every story was brilliantly written and amazing and that everyone who worked on the movies was the best and...it just goes on and on. I listen to the guy and wonder if he watches the movies or just makes love to them. It's very hard to tell. He says things that make me roll my eyes, making wild proclomations about the popularity and importance of the movies that leave me shaking my head. It's truly amazing to listen to this guy. I'm waiting to see what he has to say about the movies when I get to ones that everyone seems to think are not so good (the George Lazenby one comes to mind, as well as some of the more recent offerings). Will he cry? Or will he say that they were only the second most influential movie of all time, after the previous Bond movies, of course. I guess I'll find out soon enough.