And it burns, burns, burns, the ring of fire. The ring of fire.

This sure was an eventful week*. First of all, I decide to make a stirfry, and I put the oil on to let it heat up. Did you know that oil eventually sets itself on fire? I didn't know that. Now I do know that. Some things aren't good to learn the hard way.
And then, on Thursday, I fell off of a ladder. It may have been Wednesday. Fortunately I landed on my butt, not my head or other important part. I scraped my elbows and one knee, but otherwise I was fine. Oh, I may have popped a blood vessel in my eye as well, because it got all bloodshot on one side for a couple days, but that's all cleared up now. I can't wait to see what this week has in store for me.

*Events may have taken place over two weeks. I really can't remember exact dates.

Grace

I guess what it all comes down to is grace. The only thing that separates Christianity from every other religion is the concept of grace. Jesus died for our sins, God shows us grace by not giving us what we deserve, and frankly there is absolutely nothing that we can do in any way to save ourselves. It's all about grace. That's why these attitudes bother me so much, why I'm so inclined to defend people. I feel like they are showing little or no grace towards others. We are commanded in the Bible to be like Jesus. Well, Jesus died on the cross for our sins, the ultimate act of grace. And while hanging on that cross, he thought not of himself, but he forgave the sinner beside him; he ensured his mother's well-being; he prayed for those who had tormented him. How can we sit back in comfort and bitch about others, or put them down, or simply belittle them? I used to call it intolerence - now I call it ungraciousness, and it makes me sad.
That is all I have to say at the moment. Maybe someday I'll revisit this, maybe not. But I'll never stop trying to show more grace to those around me.

Attitudes

It's an interesting sensation, being scared and saddened at the same time. But it happens to me quite regularly. I also feel vaguely uncomfortable. The thing that does it is absolutes. Well, sometimes, in certain situations.
Truthfully, it's not absolutes in general, it's more a matter of attitudes that go along with those absolutes. And when it really scares/saddens me is when the person who is being so absolute is a Christian.
Something I've observed in my years of life, brief though they may be, is that many Christians seem to have become so extreme in their beliefs that they leave no room for anything else. There is no tolerance in them whatsoever. And the worst part is the insufferable smugness that comes through when they speak. It's like they not only believe in something, they believe that their view is the only right view, and that everyone else believes the same way. That really makes me uncomfortable.
I'm not going to say that there are no absolutes, because there are. Heck, you can believe things as absolutely as you want, I don't really care. What makes me shudder, as I said, is the attitude that often comes with it. The phrase I hate the most is 'I don't see how anyone can believe (fill in blank)'. That phrase is evidence of a closed mind, and a closed-minded Christian is a dangerous thing. I'm not saying that everyone who says that is completely set in their ways an intolerant of everything, but I am saying that it is an attitude that is easy to fall into and hard to climb out of. I know because I have been there myself many times.
Some people may not think that saying such a thing would be too much of a problem, especially if it is in the context of a group of people who are in agreement. Again, I point it back to the attitude. The phrase itself is meaningless on its own, until you add the context and attitude, and that's when trouble hits. Plus, I would add, it may be entirely possible that everyone with you doesn't share your belief or ideas on whatever topic is being discussed. At that point, you've probably just offended them.
There's also this: by dismissing the belief, you dismiss the person. Imagine yourself in a group of people who are talking, and you are an ardent believer in God. Suddenly, one of them speaks up and says "I can't believe that people believe in God. That just doesn't make any sense, there is no logic to that." You are no longer comfortable in the group, and in fact you're a little mad. Maybe you don't say anything right then, but a week later that person comes up to you and tries to tell you about the fabulous new Amway products that are available. Two weeks ago, you may have listened, and maybe ten years from now you would have been one of the Amway millionaires. Now, though, you won't listen. This guy has no respect for you or what you believe, so why would you listen to him.
Now flip the coin. I know that most of the people who read this are Christian, so I will approach it from this angle. A group of people sitting around having a meal. One of them, someone who professes a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, speaks up and says "I can't believe that anyone would ever follow Islam." He goes on to explain why, but the Muslim guy at the end of the table doesn't hear a word he says. Later, that same Christian goes to a mosque to have a healthy debate about Christianity and Islam, and that same Muslim is there. No matter how eloquent that Christian is, no matter how truthful what he has to say may be, there is no way in hell that the Muslim man is going to even give it any consideration. Everything he believes in had just been dismissed out of hand, and that meant he was completely dismissed out of hand. Any chance of any sort of good relationship has been tossed out into the night, where there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth.
What gets me even more is the smugness that seems to resonate from so many Christians. It's an attitude of superiority that just sets my teeth on edge. It's not just relating to other religions either. It's in everything. It's the attitude that leads prominent Christian figures to sit back and say that events like 9/11 or hurricane Katrina are evidence of God's judgement. That just goes beyond intolerant to the downright offensive. Even if it were true, coming on TV and telling all of the grieving people that their loved ones deserved to die would be the completely wrong thing to do. How does that show love or comfort or peace or understanding or, dare I say it, grace?
I look back at my life and my attitudes, and it makes me sad because I spent many years with those attitudes, and it really drove a wedge between me and God, and between me and people in general that I am still trying to fully remove. It's amazing how long a wrong attitude can affect a person.
There's more to be said on this subject. Stay tooned.

From the bullpen

And now, from the files of getting to know me:

Something I've noticed about myself lately is that I seem to be a defender. And before you ask, no, that doesn't mean that I am Nighthawk (wow, true believer. A marvellous No-prize to the first person that can explain that obscure comic trivia to me). What it does mean is that I tend to want to defend pretty much anyone I feel is getting attacked. And when I say anyone, I do mean anyone. I don't even have to agree with that person to want to defend them. And it has to be an attack. I won't defend someone just because. Heck, the attack doesn't even have to that severe, it could be classified as more of a criticism. But if I here even that, in my head I am protesting and defending the person's honour, or just arguing against the criticism.
For example, the other night I was with some people and the subject turned briefly to evolution, and someone said "I don't see how you could believe in evolution," and then explained why (something about the book "Case for a Creator", and just the fact that he doesn't believe in it). I didn't say anything, but inwardly I was irritated at all of them because there are many reasons to believe in evolution, even if you don't agree with them. The funny thing is, I fall on the creation side of that particular debate. So in essence, I was arguing against what I believed in. Why? Because an attack had been launched and I was there to defend it.
I don't like people being attacked. I never have, and I probably never will. Being overly critical of anyone is not really in my nature (but if you push me, watch out...), and I just rebel against it when I hear other people doing it. I think it's a desire in me to try and protect everyone from hurt.
Well, there's something about me you may not have known. What will you do with this information? Probably nothing. Not much to do with it. But hey, just think of it as fulfilling your 'learn something new every day' quotient. Go now and be mindless.
Excelsior!

I wrote the whole thing and I still don't know what to call it!

There are many things that I could talk about, and in time I will. But today, I don't really know what to say, just that I know there something inside of me that just wants to get out.
I feel like I've been all over the map lately. Am I getting too serious? It's like everything suddenly matters more than it should, almost like there's some sort of sense of urgency pushing me into inactivity. I'm almost paralysed by a sense of foreboding, though that may be a bit heavy-handed. I want to just hang out, get to know others, get to know myself, but it's like everytime I go to do something, I completely overanalyze each move, and end up not doing anything.
Actually, that's what's bugging me, at least partly. Now, I'm not sure exactly where the pressure is coming from, whether it is internal or external, but there seems to be a pressure that I feel pushing me to analyse everything that I do to the point of immobility. If I want to talk to someone, I'm suddenly considering whether or not they may be busy, perhaps already have plans. Perhaps they don't actually want to talk to me and I would just be intruding (a common fear/feeling of mine, but I'll discuss that later). What exactly should I say? If I say this, how will it be interpreted, as opposed to saying that, which could be taken wrong in the following ways. I definitely can't talk to any girls because they would assume that I am just trying to date them (again, a common fear, which I will discuss at some point). Does anyone even like me anyway. If they don't try to talk to me, why should I try to talk to them. I'm so alone. I'm so abandoned. My life sucks. God hates me...
You see how this can be a harmful path to start down. I don't think I've descended down to those last bits, but I could quite easily. Like I said, I feel like I have to overanalyse everything, and it's getting to me. My life has always been one that didn't require much planning. Things just happen, and I accept those things. Suddenly, lately, I feel like I have been losing the ability to roll with the punches. Or, maybe, like there are no punches being rolled my way.
I have been trying lately to be more deliberate in some of the things that I do, mostly related to building relationships. I have felt many times like I am pretty much without friends, to a certain extent. Peter is my friend, and so are my brothers, but there are days when I feel like that is it. It's a weird sort of dynamic I have going, because I'm not someone who needs a ton of friends, so it's not like I'm sorely lacking in quantity. But I do want to make more friends. Who doesn't? But it is something that I really am not naturally gifted at, and frankly sometimes I'm too lazy/scared for my own good. And there is a great deal of bitterness that I'm not sure I've ever really dealt with.
All my life I've been slightly envious/bitter of the the 'cool kids', the people who have lots of friends and...actually, it's not the lots of friends. It's more a matter of the time spent together. I spent most of high school at home alone. Heck, even in college I didn't really have a burgeoning social life, especially the years I spent away from school. It's like I was never really accepted in to any sort of social circle, even if I got along with the people in it. I would just buzz around the edge, tolerated, maybe even enjoyed, but only when I was around. Out of sight, out of mind.
How hard of a person am I to get to know? I think the answer is pretty hard in some ways. It's not that I don't want people to get to know me, it's just that I'm not very good at talking. And I feel like I'm not very important, or that there isn't much interesting about me that I can talk about. I'm not very assertive, so in groups, I tend to hold my tongue because I just can't find a good place to jump in, and even when I do, I tend to only get half a thought out before someone else jumps in and my point is lost (that's another irritant that I might talk about some day). I feel that I am a bit odd, not in a bad way, but I often don't want to do some of the things that groups want to do. I'm rather indecisive, mostly because I don't want to make a decision that someone doesn't like, so it's easier just to not decide. Plus I don't know exactly what I want half of the time anyway.
But then, I feel like there is very little effort made by groups of people to include new people. I guess those would be known as cliques by some. It's a two way street. If I want to make friends, I have to be a friend, etc. But then the fears that I'm not really liked, just tolerated, rear their head. Why would I want to spend time with people if it just makes them uncomfortable. I start to look at everything they say and do and analyse it, always finding multiple ways to interpret everything, completely unable to pick one interpretation. It turns into a major production (in my head anyway) and just entirely too difficult to do anything, so instead I do nothing. But I do get bitter. At least I have in the past.
I still think that groups of people tend to do very little to allow new people in unless those people are very outgoing and kind of force their way in. Actually, that shows a bit of how I tend to think about such things. In my mind, I have to be invited to anything, I can't just invite myself. If someone says that they are going to a movie, I will never ask to come. The only way I'm going is if they ask me to come. I often won't even say that I want to see the movie because if they invited me after that then I would feel like I coerced them in to inviting me against their will, just in an effort to be polite. See what I mean by overanalysing? But as I was saying, I feel like the only way to get 'into' these social groups is to force my way in, and I just can't do that.
Maybe I just need to rethink that. Maybe I'm getting too concerned with social groups in general.
Aaargh. This is exactly what happens ALL THE TIME. I have thought, then I rethink it, then I flop back on myself, then I backtrack until I don't even know what I was thinking.
It's all the fear. I'm just scared of the perceptions. I don't know what people will think when I do/say something, and it bothers me. I only want people to like me, and I don't know how to do that except to be kind of goofy. And then I tend to keep people at a distance and they don't get to know me, so they have no reason to think of me when I'm not around.
I really need to stop caring about what other people think, to a certain extent. I have to just get myself out there, get to know people. I need to be me.
And me is a slightly odd fellow who is completely able to find humour in any situation, but also able to be completely serious. I have opinions, many of them relating to how pointless I find many opinions. I bet people would like me if I just go to know them, and let them know me.
Another problem I have is that I don't really like planning ahead. As far as I'm concerned, unless it's something that has to be planned ahead (such as buying tickets to the symphony, something I would like to do this year...anyone with me?), I'm perfectly fine and in fact prefer to just call someone up and just do something. Sadly, I don't really know anyone else who is capable of regularly doing that because everyone I know is usually entirely too busy, either with school or with other friends that are already taking up their time so that they are busy all the time and have to plan out ahead.
I hope no one thinks that I am trying to blame anything on other people. Like I said, I think many people don't really make much effort to include new people, but frankly, I do almost nothing to give anyone reason to include me.
At this point, I just want to say thank you for reading through this and letting me get it off my chest. It is my goal in life to be completely (appropriately) transparent, and it is in forums like this that I'm best able to do that. Anything I mention here is completely open for discussion if you are ever talking to me. I actually don't mind having serious conversations, though I'm best at those one on one because of the reasons I gave earlier.
I'm going to stop typing now. Except for the title, cuz I do those last.

Calm in the face of Danger

Don't worry, he shaved his back.

Due to incliment weather read the notice, the swim meet is cancelled until further notice. Gary read the note on the door twice and scratched his head. The pool was indoors. The sun was shining. A few birds were circling in the air above his head. Circling. Circling. Lifting one fist and shaking it, Gary shouted out "I'm not dead yet, you vultures. You'll never get me!" Obviously the swim meet situation needed to be investigated.
With a heave, he pulled open the door. It got stuck halfway, but he persisted and pulled it fully open. Only then did he notice that the door was marked Push. Looking around nervously, he saw that he was alone, so putting his hands in his pockets (kind of - he was already dressed in his Speedo, ready to cheer on the swimmers), he whistled an uneasy tune and headed inside. Taking a pen he had on him (don't ask where cuz I'm not telling you), he went back to the door and wrote Out of order at the bottom of the notice. A quick glance at the vultures in the sky, and he disappeared inside.
The pool was down a short hallway, so Gary figured that it would be best to walk down said hallway. And he did. He opened to door to the pool only to be hit by a wall of wind. It pushed him back in to the hallway, messing up his carefully arranged coiffure. Taking a deep breath, Gary burst through the door, making it past the wind, nearly falling over when the wind stopped, though the light rain didn't let up. Looking around, it seemed that he had the pool to himself, but a small voice at his knee disabused him of that notion.
"Please sir," came the childlike tone, "he's gone mad, and we are all doomed unless you help us. Also, you're stepping on my tail."
Gary looked down, expecting to see some sort of talking cat, but was surprised to see nothing at all. "What's this?" he inquired incredulously. "Who's there?" There was no answer for a moment, which made Gary think he may have imagined it (even though he wasn't drunk yet)(...yet), but on a whim, he lifted his left leg. "Better?" he asked skeptically.
"No," came the hauntingly soft voice. "Try lifting your other foot."
Embarassed, Gary lifted his right leg and promptly fell down. Scrambling to his feet, he looked around again. "How come I can hear you, but I can't see you?"
"It's because I walk around the light," came the most reasonable reply that Gary could imagine. "But we must hurry. The lighthouse operator has perfected his controls, and now we must all suffer unless you put an end to his contemptible plans."
"Is he, um" Gary began, suddenly worried, "is he invisible like you?"
"Is there any other way to be invisible?"
This caught Gary off guard. Now that he thought of it, he wasn't sure. "I don't know. Maybe. What if you bend light? Is that possible, to bend it around yourself?"
"No, I do not think that such a thing can be accomplished."
"Ah." Gary pondered for a moment. "Well, I don't know how many different ways there are to be invisible. I'll get back to you on that." He turned for the door before pausing. "Oh, right. The saving you thing. Sorry." He turned to face the voice, nearly jumping out of his Speedo when it came from behind him.
"He is standing under the lifeguard tower, fully visible."
"Th-thanks," stammered Gary. He clutched at his chest for a moment, assuring himself that it was still beating properly. "I'll see what I can do." The rain ceased falling at this moment, though the fog made things a little hard to see.
Slowly he crept over to the lifeguard tower, peering underneath but seeing no one. Maybe the little guy was wrong, he thought to himself. Maybe he's invisible after all. "All right!" He began addressing the air beneath the tower, not wanting to look like he didn't know what was going on. "You need to stop this madness right now. People's live are at risk."
From across the pool a voice came to him. "Are you looking for me, lad?" He whirled around to see a man under the lifeguard tower at the other side of the pool. The man was wearing hip waders, a yellow raincoat and a top hat, and seemed to be fiddling with some dials.
Taking a risk, Gary ran around the pool and felt moderately pleased that he got away with it. He came and stood by the nattily dressed lighthouse operator. The man continued to play with the dials and knobs on the controller in front of him. Finally Gary spoke up. "Whatcha doin'?" he asked casually, taking careful stock of the man's height (really tall) and size (huge, but not fat) in case physical force became necessary.
The man seemed startled for a moment. He peered down his nose at Gary. "I'm trying to finish this, so if you don't mind, I need silence."
Gary shrugged. A bolt of lightening flashed across the ceiling, followed by a short snow storm. Another moment passed, maybe two, and then he spoke up again. "I really don't think this is a good idea," he commented. "You seem to be rearranging the local weather pattern."
Once again the man looked down at Gary. "Young sir," he said heavily, "I would ask that you refrain from such needless interruptions. If you persist with your interjections, then the device will never be ready. Now hush!"
A few more dials were twisted, a few more cold fronts moved through the building. Finally the man straightened up, an evil smile on his face. "At last," he said tearfully. "My life's work has paid off. Now they're all going to pay."
"What, are you mad at farmers?" Gary muttered, startled when the man turned and fixed his gaze on him. "I mean, is that why you invented a weather altering machine?"
Puzzled for a moment, the man smiled briefly when he realised Gary's confusion. "Ah," he said. "I see your confusion. No, this isn't a weather machine, it is a hat making machine. Those ship captains, with there smug smiles and fancy caps make me sick. 'You can't wear that hat, they're for captain's only,' 'oh, nice lighthouse keeper's hat, Duncan. You look like someone who couldn't be a captain'. Well, that's going to end now." He raised his fist to the air and gave it a mighty shake. "My name isn't even Duncan, you fools!"
Gary raised an eyebrow and looked at the roof. Two birds circled above his head. Circling. Circling. He had to admit, those were some persistent vultures.
"But the machine is not for creating weather. It's simply a by-product of the complex scientific machinations of my device." A waterspout passed through the deep end of the pool as the machine made a small gasping sound. A french beret popped out of the side onto a pile of spats, mats, baseball bats, and pats (Pat Buchanan sat eating a bagel with Patrick Swayze). "I just need to make one final adjustment and the captain's hat will be mine.
"Why," mused Gary, "did you choose the local swimming pool for your machine. We aren't even near a lighthouse."
"Aah, the machine is too delicate for the sea water. Moisture would ruin it. Plus, these lifeguard towers remind me of home. Put a revolving light on top and I could be very happy here."
"Well, would any water hurt your machine?" Gary asked innocently.
The lighthouse keeper looked at him suspiciously. "Yes. Why?"
"Oh no reason lookoverthere!" Gary pointed behind the lighthouse man, who ducked and whirled around.
"What. What do you see lad? Tell me."
Casually Gary pushed the machine in to the pool. "I thought I saw a ship about to fall into the rocks, but it must have been my imagination. Anyhoo, I have to go now." Quickly Gary walked away, ignoring the anguished wail that came behind him. By the time he reached the door, the weather inside the pool room had returned to normal (overcast with the occasional sunny period).
A few minutes later the police arrived and took the sobbing lighthouse keeper in to custody, severly beating him into submission because they were too smart to fall for his contrite surrender.
"There you go little Jimmy," said Gary mournfully. "I stopped him for you." Sadly, he walked away into the sunset (which was awkward because it was noon, but Gary was persistent), completely missing the quiet voice.
"My name isn't Jimmy...ah what's the use."

I got nothing

Hi mom!