I'm too young for a midlife crisis!

I rarely feel as inadequate as I do when there is a girl around, especially a pretty one. It’s not just a matter of being flustered or tongue-tied, though I have to admit that that happens from time to time. Actually it’s pretty common. But that is only part of what gets me.
There are times when I wished I was more, well, typical for my age. Most guys my age tend to be able to date women regularly, always on the lookout for a woman, or in a relationship or sometimes both at the same time. But I can’t be just like that because most of those guys are mostly concerned with sex, especially the non-christian ones. I don’t want to be someone who is ‘good with the ladies’ but is unwilling to commit or be concerned with more serious matters. When I think about it, what I really want is to be able to fill a woman’s needs and all of that good stuff.
That is where the problem comes in. I usually feel like any woman that I like probably deserves better. There are some who are able to say, as Paul does in one of his epistles, that to be single is better, but I am not one of those. I just don’t think that I am meant to be alone in that (or any) way in my life. Deep inside of me, though, I have trouble believing that I am worthy of any of the woman that I meet. I want to be the type of man in which a woman can find complete comfort, can feel safe. I want to be a man that protects and completely takes care of his wife. And not in a way that is demeaning and oppressive, but in a Godly, Biblical way.
There is always talk about how much pressure is on women, but the truth is guys are under pressure all the time too. I don’t have a stunning physique, I’m no athlete. I am not particularly strong, and fixing things doesn’t necessarily come naturally to me. I like cars, but I can only do basic repairs on my own. I am not exactly the most forward person, I’m a quiet guy in many ways, leaning towards the shy side. I don’t have a strong personality, I don’t carry the conversation. Basically, I am nothing like the ‘ideal man’ that is portrayed in the media. Now granted, there is more freedom for me to be a pudgy moron, but that usually comes from sitcoms, and I try not to build my self-image on that because those guys are really, really, really dumb.
But when I see what a guy is ‘supposed’ to be, I just don’t match up. Don’t get me wrong, I am smart enough to know that I can only be the man God made me to be (except I could probably get myself into better shape). So how could a mild-mannered guy like me ever find a woman willing to like him, let alone ever love him?
And for just a bit more added pressure, I hear many women talk about the ‘list of needs’ they have that their ‘ideal man’ must meet. Suddenly I am fighting against an unknown set of qualifications and that makes me quite self-conscious and uncertain. It makes any interaction with a woman feel like a job interview.
Which brings me back to my main point, namely that I feel inadequate around women. I guess it is like I am only able to be a friend, that goofy guy that can make them laugh or carry heavy(ish) stuff. I try to be polite and friendly, to open doors and to take on a little more responsibility so that they can have an easier time, but not act like they can’t do anything for themselves. But how can I ever be more than that? When it really comes down to it I don’t feel that any woman would find the particular abilities and interests that I have to be worthwhile.
Now you are all probably wondering where this is coming from, what the catalyst for such a topic would be. Truth be told, there isn’t really a major reason for it to be coming up right now (which means, just so I am clear, that I do not have a ‘crush’ on anyone here)(Peter doesn’t believe me, but that’s okay)(he’s been wrong before). There are many attractive, single, young women (I don’t mean the students!) here and so the thought is on my mind. I grew up thinking that I would marry young, as my parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, and older brothers did. To find myself not even dating when I am 26 (ancient, I know) is a reality I never thought I would experience, and there are times when I feel like I have failed. The funny thing is I have spent most of my time in a Christian community of one kind or another, and that makes it even worse. It seems like most young Christian guys are expected to date and marry, and there is a great deal of pressure put on us, most of it unintentional and subtle. Everything seems geared towards making sure we are finding ‘the One!’ (Tired of the dating scene?, asks the church bulletin, then come to this weeks singles night, where you can meet other young singles like yourself!). I am caught in a quandary because I don’t want to live my life in a desperate search for a mate, so hearing from within the church that as a single guy I should be trying to do just such a thing is hard to hear all the time. But at the same time, so many of the young christian males that I know are in relationships, the kind that are based on more than mutual physical attraction and fun, and if they can do it, why can’t I? I wonder if there is something wrong with me. It’s enough to give a guy a complex.
I guess that is all I have to say on this. I am not looking for a solution (and don’t you dare try to tell me that I just haven’t met “the One” yet, I will bop you on the nose), I just felt like venting. Maybe I just want you to be gentle with your single friends, let them live their life and don’t pressure them, for goodness sake. They have enough of that without your help.

Elucidation in asides (Translation in parentheses)

Today we got to have a little treat for our guys - we took them to a football (soccer) match. It was a friendly (exhibition) between Switzerland and the USA (loudmouths)(I mean, United States of America). It was quite entertaining (someone scored a goal), at least I thought so. The wrong team won (USA), but it was fun anyway. I spent most of my time sitting next to a guy in my dorm who plays football (still soccer) and it was fun seeing him scold the goalies for making questionable decisions. The score was nil-nil (nuthin'-nuthin') until the 85th minute (like, right at the end of the second half), when the Swiss keeper (goalie) charged the ball and was beat there by an American player (player) and they scored. It was a weak gooooooooooooooooooooooooool (goal), but it still counts (dang!). So now I can say that I have been to an authentic European football (soc...you know) match. I wish I had pictures, but I, sadly, do not. Maybe I will get some from Josh (the dude I was sitting with), he took a few.
Oh, funny story - one of our guys (Hugo) has lived in South Africa for most of his life and he decided to bring a South African flag and a Brasilian flag. Well, it turns out that doing so is very heavily frowned upon (a major no-no!) and so a steward (usher type dude) came up to him and started speakin in German. Hugo nodded and was very polite until the guy stopped talking and then he said "uh...". Turns out Hugo doesn't speak German. So the guy had to repeat everything in English and then he took the flags.
Interesting story - after the match the American players walked to the end of the pitch (the playing field)(I know, kind of an odd name, but that's what it is) and were applauding the fans who were cheering for them, which was basically our section because most of our students are American. I thought it was quite classy of them, and our guys loved it!
And I'm out.

Circuit Breaker

I was thinking today about how things are getting more and more politically correct and wondering why that is, and it occured to me that at least part of the problem is that people tend to think that others think the same as themselves, or that they should.
We were talking about some of those personality tests yesterday and someone commented in passing that for teenagers (and even older people) doing tests like that makes them aware for the first time that not everyone thinks and reacts in the same way. I have also noticed, especially in teenagers and college students, that when people don't want to do something it is because that thing is putting them out and thus it is something to be avoided.
Though I am not perfect in this area, I do try to think of others whenever I am doing something, or asked to do something, or told to do something. When I am at work I try to do the job properly every time, even though it takes longer and it is a pain sometimes. Plus, doing those extra little tasks because if I do it then someone else doesn't have to.
To tie this back to my opening paragraph, people get upset over using 'improper' words because it offends them. But doesn't it make more sense to realise that people are different and there is no harm intended, so the term itself is not an issue. For example, I heard of a city in California that banned the use of the phrases "master circuit" and "slave circuit" in electrical diagrams because it was offensive. But the term has nothing to do with people of any race or colour, so why is it offensive? When used in this context it is merely something that is under the control of another circuit, repeating the actions of the master circuit. But because people have in the past (and still in the present in some places) are used as slaves, suddenly this term becomes completely taboo. That seems a bit extreme to me, like someone is saying that because they are unable to differentiate between people and machines then everyone else must be unable to do the same and thus the term is offensive. Or how about calling a woman a "Policeman". It's not saying she is a man, it is a title denoting her job. It doesn't make her any less of a woman.
I don't know, I guess I just don't get it. Maybe I'm not sensitive enough. Maybe others are just too sensitive, who can say. I find it frustrating and exhausting, truth be told. And I refuse to use the term "unchurched". I am not going to do it, you can't make me.
Also, I wonder if there isn't some irony in posting this at all. Am I merely saying that everyone should think like I do rather than me accepting that they think differently? Mayhaps, I don't know. I guess I just want people to think about it and decide for themselves where they lie, but to let me think what I want as well, and to be okay with that. Is that possible? Who knows. I sure don't.
Well, that's my musing for the day.

Accident free since...last week.

Wow, it has been over a week already! My how time flies.
This week was interesting - as busy as ever, even though there were less students. Really, it was a pretty standard week in some ways, there was still school and the guys had homework and all of that fun stuff. On the other hand, it was different because we had so few guys around, plus the juniors had an extended curfew because they were given 'senior privileges' while the seniors were in Rome. So instead of having everyone in bed at 10:30, most of them were in bed at midnight. But of course, that also meant that they had extra chores to take care of while the seniors were gone - they were less pleased about that!
Seriously, looking back at the week I just wonder where the time went? I can't remember many details, it has all just blurred together into vague recollections. I haven't had a car accident all week, which is good. I did cut my finger on a shard of glass, and I think I just saw a mouse run across the floor by the computers here, but I'm not sure. We have had a few in the dorm here and there, or so I am told. I haven't seen any, except for maybe right now.
Last Sunday night (eight days ago) was fun - we had the Candian staff members from the dorm and school get together and celebrated proper Thanksgiving. There was turkey and mashed potatoes and pie and all sorts of wonderful things, as there should be at Thanksgiving. It made me think of home and I smiled, happy for the memories and the ability to stay connected even in this small way. But that left only one RA at the dorm (the students were still mostly gone) and so our regular dorm fellowship that occurs on Sunday night was cancelled, but when I got back I found Joni (the RA that was still on duty) sitting in our lounge reading from a Christian counselling textbook about issues for choosing a proper mate. It was funny because it made it sound like a bit of a meat market just with how it was said. But there were some guys there listening, just soaking it all up. It was quite amusing, actually. After the chapter was done some of the guys settled in for a bit of a question/answer time and then one guy discussed his female situation (two girls that would date him if he asked) and we were able to give him some things to think about. And in the end he decided that, upon further reflection, it wasn't the right time and he would just stay friends with the both of them. That's a decision I don't know if I could make now, let alone when I was seventeen. I was very impressed.
Well, that is a bit of my life. I will try to keep y'all updated!

I'm okay, don't worry

As the man leapt out of his car I cringed, anticipating his angry beratement. And sure enough he began to yell with a healthy vigour, in German. I couldn't blame him, I had just ran into him with my van. I wish this was the start of a book, but it's actually true. I pulled in to park at my dorm and I decided I needed to straighten out, so I started to back up. Unfortunately, the parking spot backs directly onto the street and I didn't look as carefully as I should have, and by the time I heard his horn it was too late. Luckily I only hit the trailer he was towing and there were no injuries, but it was embarassing. It did not help matters that he spoke only German, and I have not learned enough yet to talk to people yet. We had to call someone at the school who actually spoke German, and then we called the school's insurance company which also speaks German and they managed to calm him down. He seemed to be properly satisfied that he would be taken care of and left, if not happy, then at least content. But it goes to show that life here is always full of some sort of excitement.
Right now our dorm is almost completely empty. All of our Seniors (grade 12) are gone to Rome for a week, and the Juniors (grade 11) are at Normandy for the weekend, and the tennis team is gone for the day, so out of 33 students, we have 12 left. Of course, last night the sophomores had their annual sophomore party, so there were forty students around, eating chips and watching Titanic and just hanging out, but the other dorms each sent an RA and so it wasn't a problem. It was actually fun. And today, as a treat, we are taking the remaining students out to McDonald's for supper. Personally I don't view that as a treat, but the guys seem happy, so I suppose that is what counts.
I do apologise for not updating this more often, I will try to at least update once a week, and I'll see if I can get some pictures now and then. I do not yet have a digital camera of my own, so that part is a bit more complex.
Please pray for energy, as this job can be very draining sometimes and at the end of the week I don't always have the enthusiasm to deal with the guys like I need to.