Novella = Small Novel

You ever have one of those days where you feel like you have something important you want to say, but you just can't quite grasp it? That's what today is feeling like for me. I did something at work today I thought I would never do again. DISHES!! Of course, it was only one load because we didn't actually have a dishwasher working during lunch (I guess he quite or something), but still. And it is amazing how strong old habits hang on. I grabbed the dish rack, loaded up the plates, pushed them into the dishwasher. Then I grabbed some cups and threw them in the dishwasher, closed it and walked away to go help my table. But I didn't even have to think about it, it just came naturally. I did forget to spray the plates, but that was mostly because I was trying to be neat about it so that I didn't get my uniform all dirty. If I had stayed any longer in the dish pit I would have grabbed an apron. It almost felt good doing those dishes though. I wonder if there is a part of me that misses that, and I think there is. A very small part. A very small, miniscule, tiny part. A part that I bring out regularly and beat into submission with a tire iron, or any other handy blunt instrument.
I think, though, that another part of it is the fact that I was doing something unexpected and helpful. I didn't really want people to see me doing it (I'll come back to that), but they did and were all very happy that I was helping out like that. Usually it's the cooks that have to run back to the dishpit and do the dishes when there's no one working there. And the general manager of the store (Neil) saw me and was very impressed. It felt good helping out like that, doing something that needed to be done without being told to do it.
Here's my thing, and I'm not completely sure how to interpret it. I do not like doing cleaning when people are around to see me. That means I don't clean the house when anyone is in it, and other things like that. I was going to say that I don't like helping with people around, but that's not true. It's mostly cleaning. I hadn't realised that until right now, and now I'm completely dumbfounded. I'm not sure why that is. And it's not when just anyone is around, because there are certain people around that it doesn't bother me. Jeff (my brother) is one of those people, which is good, because it probably means that our place this summer will stay relatively clean. Yet, when my parents are around, I have a hard time jumping in and doing "chores" without being asked. If they ask me to do the dishes, or clean up the basement, I'm fine doing it, for the most part. But if they're at home, and I see the living room needs vacuuming, I'll wait until they're both gone to do it.
Part of the reason is that I HATE being praised for something like that. A simple 'thank you' is fine, and then not mentioning it ever again. But it seems like people have to make a big deal of it, even if they don't say much. Sometimes, it's just the way they say what they say. They'll see me doing the dishes, and they'll stop, blink a couple times like they were in shock, and then say say 'thanks' in a really surprised voice. Or they'll be very enthusiastic about it, making it seem like I have never done anything before for them, or this is the best thing that has ever happened to them. Or, worst of all, they'll say 'oh, you didn't have to do that, I was going to do that', or something similar. That is probably related to how I accept compliments. I don't know how it looks to other people, but when I am complimented, I feel really awkward. I make a point of being very sure about what I say. I try not to be too falsely modest. If someone is thanking me for what I have done, then the best response is to just say 'you're welcome', or more likely, 'no problem'. I don't actually mean that it was without difficulties (though somethings are), I just mean that I am not upset that I had to do it. But what I'm feeling is...well, I'm not sure exactly what it is.
You know, I wonder if it is a feeling of inadequacy. Do I feel that I don't deserve the compliment? Am I thinking that I am unworthy of praise? I don't know what it is. I know that I am really hard on myself. I usually feel that whatever I've done, I've not done well enough. No matter what it is, I'm pretty sure that I could have done it better. When anyone says that I am talented in a particular area, I won't really argue with them, but inside I am usually shaking my head and almost laughing at how wrong they are, even if they are right.
It's amazing how little some things change, though. When I was in high school, I felt the same way for many of these issues. It's only been in the past couple years that I have started to learn how to deal with it. If I had to be honest, though, I would probably say that I didn't really like myself. This is not a call for any sort of sympathy, it's just a fact. I don't know what I have accepted in my mind that makes me feel that way. I know I have good points, but they seem to be overshadowed by my negative points, at least in my own mind. Maybe that's not all that different from most people. I don't know how many times that I have heard people give talks where they say something similar, that they were fine on the outside and not fine on the inside. I try to avoid saying that, or even thinking that. It's just too cliched, and I know that it should be different. I should be the same on the inside and the outside. On the other hand, it's probably not wise to necessarily let absolutely everything hang out. Some things are only appropriate for certain people.
And I'm not sure that I'm going in that direction anyway. I'm writing all of this as I think of it, so it may be a journey that ends up going nowhere. Let's begin. You see, I'm not trying to say that I'm living to completely different lives. I'm not a super Christian on Sunday and devil child on Monday. I'm also not gay. I just want to stress that point. I still like girls. But the double life is not what I'm talking about. Now, to be honest, there are things in my life that might look like that, but only in a few small areas, and there are people that I have let into those areas and I am working on them. I'm definitely not perfect, but I am doing what I can. I guess what gets me is how I feel and how I think as compared to how it looks like I feel/think based on how I act. I am way less confident than I seem to appear. Many people seem to think that I am a loud, outgoing, confident guy. But the truth is not quite that. There are times when I am that way, at least to a certain extent. When I am at work I tend to be a bit more outgoing to a certain extent. I work in a restaurant, so I have to be at least semi-outgoing at work, so that people feel like I actually care. It helps that I actually do care about their service and not just about getting a tip, but still, I am more outgoing at work. The other place that I seem to present that face is when I am helping at youth. I think that it is a relatively safe place, so I don't feel constrained by fear/doubt/anxiety as much as I do in other places.
The problem I run into is people only really ever see me at one of those two places. That is because I am terrible at being confident in any other place at all. Something that I am TERRIBLE at doing is getting to know people. I simply do not know how to have a conversation with people. Now stick with me because I am going to try and express something that I have never quite been able to put into words before. When I'm talking with people, I have trouble with asking questions about them. I feel like I don't deserve the information, or that I'm being nosy, or, if I've known the person for a while, that I shouldn't be asking because I should know this information by that time, and if I ask now, then it shows that I obviously don't care about them and then they will be mad at me.
I hate technology!! I just lost about a solid ten minutes of typing. I don't know where it went. And it was just spontaneous stuff that I don't know if I can remember even slightly. But I'm going to try because I feel like it was important.
It's silly, I know, but that's just how I feel, that there is only a certain amount of time before I should just know stuff, so I just don't bother trying to find out. But even if I did, when it comes right down to it, I don't know how to get to know people. I don't know how to have a conversation. I listen to other people talk, and I almost get jealous. I want to have serious conversations with people, but I feel like all I can talk about is movies and the weather. I dread hearing myself talk about the weather, but it's something I bring up often because I don't know what else to say. I desparately want to talk about the 'real' things that other people talk about, but I don't know how. As some of ou may have noticed, I'm not real great at the serious conversations. Wisecracks and Family Guy seem to be the only things that I can talk about consistently. Whenever the conversation turns serious (and I'm not even talking about life shattering deep serious, just more serious than the latest jokes or anecdotes) I tend to clam up, especially if there is a group of people involved.
Heck, today in the car, I gave Nathan a ride home from Montana's (a bunch of us ended up there after youth), and we discussed our respective works, and asked some questions about that, but then I ran out of things to say. I just didn't know what else to talk about. I just had a thought. I feel like I don't share anyone else's interests. It's almost like I don't actually have any real interests, except for Spider-man, and comics in general, and that is a subject that few people share, at least at a level anywhere near what I feel (and don't get me started about many of the people that do share that particular interest - that's a rant for another day). I seem to either not care at all, or I don't want to say much because I will feel like I am only interested because I want them to like me or something like that. Or I'll think that they think I am only interested to impress them. My mind seems to enjoy twisting itself into tight knots of inpenetrable illogic. So what can I talk about with people when I don't share their interests and they don't share my interest. It's a wide gulf that I don't know how to gulf.
And I find it even harder to talk with women. Because with all of the problems I have talking with most people, there is another layer involved. I don't want to ask too many questions because I don't want the woman to think that I am 'interested' in her, especially if I am interested in her. When I am interested in a woman, I tend to say even less, almost ignoring her, because I feel like everything I say/do will show her that I like her, and then she will be terribly uncomfortable and things will be terribly awkward. I try to keep it a secret until I think that she is interested back, and even then I tend to be wrong about it. But that means that I can't ask about her family, friends, interests, favourite colour, pets, etc, because I am scared that I am going to make her uncomfortable. Does that make any sense at all?
I also have trouble talking about myself. It's not too hard to answer questions that people ask me about me. I don't know if I answer them very well, or if I sound even the least bit interesting at all, though. It's hard to sell myself because I don't have a great number of opinions on many things. And even when I do have an opinion, I tend to either not share it, or I share it but not in any great detail because I usually don't care if people agree with me or not. It's like I've taken the view that my opinions are for myself, and people can think whatever else they want, I don't really care because I know what I think, and I'm find if they think otherwise. Makes being an evangelical Christian a bit tough at times. But what I'm really terrible at is talking about myself when no one asks. I feel like if I mention anything about myself I'm being terribly vain. I really struggle when people seem to relate everything they hear back to an event in their life. When someone says 'I was just in a car accident', I hate hearing someone else reply with 'I had an accident earlier this year, it nearly totalled off my car'. It's like whatever was said was just an excuse to get out a personal story. I still do it sometimes, but not very often. Sometimes it may even be appropriate to share like that, but I never know when. And when a group is together, forget it. I tend to clam up and not say anything. Figuratively, I basically curl up in the corner and watch everyone with wide eyes of terror. There are times when I wish that it wasn't just figurative. I don't always mind it because sometimes that's a good way to hear some fun stories. I don't usually have many stories to tell, and I don't really like talking about myself at any time, but it's still fun to tell, and that's when wisecracks seem to be most appropriate. But when it is a serious conversation in a group, I still struggle in saying anything. Partly because I actually wait until a person is finished before I bring up what I want to say. So many people are starting their point before the last person was done. Or they will be saying things like "I totally agree" three or four times in a row, until they perceive that the other person is finished speaking, and then they will launch into their own point, which is often the same point that was just made, only using different words, and louder. Even when I do have something relevant to say, I usually don't get a chance to say it until the subject has moved on. By that time I am unable to make my point because it is too late. I don't want to be someone who is unable to let a topic go when it is finished, or to be known as someone who is unable to do the same. I also can't bring up topics that I remember from days past with someone because I don't want to be known as someone who is obsessed with something, and I usually just assume that the other person won't remember that we talked at all, let alone that what it was about. The end result is that I spend most of my time just listening. There are days when I wish I was alot more aggressive. I also wonder if people view me as aloof and disinterested because I don't talk about myself at all, or that I feel myself to be superior to them.
In the end, all of this leaves me feeling really alone. It's like, in my mind at least, I don't know anybody, and nobody knows me. I really want to get to know people, but I don't know how, and I shrink away. And sometimes I shrink away from people actually trying to get to know me because, for whatever reason, they are people that I don't want to get to know well. I also feel like everyone else has this group of friends or people that they know and spend time with, and I usually only know that person and have no real idea of who the rest of the people are. Many of the youth sponsors I work with are like that. I will know that sponsors I work with, but I don't really know any of their friends. Then I feel like I can't really get to know them because it's like I'm trying to break into the group from the outside when I really don't have any interest in getting to know that group. I have no problem with (I'm making up a name here) Carmichael's friends, but I don't know them at all, and I am getting to know Carmichael and I would like to hang out with him. As I got to know the other people, I'm sure I'd be fine with that and want to know them more as well. But I don't want to invite myself into a group. Heck, I never want to invite myself anywhere. I would rather sit at home alone than invite myself along with a group. Sometimes I'll decline an invitation when I feel like it's just a pity invitation or invitation of convenience. For instance, when I am in the dorms and a group of people are going out somewhere and one person that I know a little bit invites me to go with them, but I don't know any of the rest of the group, I'll say no because I don't want to inconvenience them.
Before you get on my case about making up lame excuses, let me say this. That is not the entire reason, but it is a large part of it. I have this fear, I guess you'd call it, of making people uncomfortable. I don't want to inconvenience them in any way. And with the conversational problems I have I feel like just being around makes people uncomfortable. I guess I am also scared or meeting knew people. You may not believe this, but I really am rather shy. Again, part of that relates back to not being any good at making conversation. It scares me a little, so I find it easier to just not do it at all.
So there I am, alone and unknown. Just where I fear being the most. Sadly, I feel like it has become comfortable in an uncomfortable sort of way. I don't want to be alone my entire life. I actually struggle quite a bit being single. There is a part of me that thinks that I will be better if I find myself a girlfriend. Intellectually I know that is not the solution to my problems, but there are times, especially around dating people, and especially especially around married people (sadly, those two groups seems to describe most of the people I end up with) when I really struggle believing it. Really, though, I do know that a girlfriend would not solve my problems. On the other hand, I know that I am not complete on my own. Some people are called to a life of being single (which they annoyingly seem to like to call 'a life of celibacy', like that makes it more holy somehow). I don't believe that I am for even a minute. Not even a second. Not even any fraction of a second that you can come up with. So is it wrong of me to want a relationship? I'm smart enough to know that I need to take my time and make sure I'm not jumping into anything that I shouldn't be, but I also don't really enjoy waiting around for 'the right girl to come along at the right time' (I hate cliche-ic sayings like that sometimes). If I know that I am meant to have another half, is it wrong of me to be looking for it? But then again, am I putting too much stock into this whole dating idea? Actually, I can answer that one. Often times, I do. I have a tendency to get caught up in the idea of having a g/f, so anytime I meet a girl that I think I might like, I start daydreaming, and pretty soon I am dating and maybe getting engaged in my head when I have barely talked to the woman in real life. I actually had that happen to me earlier this year. I was suddenly very deeply interested in this woman, and then, about four days after I started obsessing (that is probably the most accurate word for what I do) her, I found out she had just started dating someone else, and I was completely unreasonably devastated. I was actually half depressed for a couple days, until I suddenly realised that I was being completely stupid. There is no way that a phantom relationship should affect me that much, but it did. Since then, I have noticed myself on the edge of that same pattern, and I have hit the brakes so hard that it leaves skid marks on the inside of my skull. Heck, I could probably start the cycle all over again right now if I wanted to, but I'm just sick of it. It's a pattern that I've run through way too many times. But with all of that being said, I really do need to start to learn how to get to know people better, and be more intentional about it. The way that I want to enter into a dating relationship is to kind of ease into it from a friendship. It doesn't have to be a long friendship, but there has to be something more than just sharing a few sarcastic comments here and there when we happen to be together. There has to be a deeper pool than that. But, again, it all goes back to me not knowing how to get to a point where I am deeper with people. How do I break into people's groups so that they think of me when I'm not around? I don't know. How do I ask questions that lead to deeper relationships? I don't know. Do people even care about me? I don't know.
Another struggle I have is that I feel like I've shoehorned myself into being the guy who is amusing to have around and always feeling good and happy. Then, when I am feeling down, or I do want to go serious, people won't take me seriously, or they won't accept that in me. I say this because of a comment that was made to me a few years ago. I was having a rough week, and I wasn't being my usual chipper, odd self. I wasn't extremely grumpy, but I definitely wasn't making the snide comments I usually do, and I wasn't smiling as much as usual and just little things like that. One day, when I was feeling particularly unresponsive, this woman I was friends with said to me "What is wrong with you, why aren't you happy like you always are?" But she didn't say it in a 'I want to know what's wrong and help if I can' manner. Rather, it was in a 'you aren't allowed to be upset because you never are' sort of way. I still remember that to this day, and I just haven't been able to completely deal with this in my mind. It actually caused me to have trouble showing any sort of emotion because I feel like people won't accept it in me, or worse, they won't care. They'll think I'm just a whiner and a loser. Better to be seen as the court jester in my mind.
When I started this post, I didn't know where I was going to end up, but I'm not surprised that this is where it went. I've been feeling this especially hard lately, I think because there have been a few people to whom I have wanted to be better friends that have now left for the summer, but I have been butting my head against this wall. It's also hard dealing with people at the school when you are a)older than many, b)off campus, and c) not even attending the school anymore (back me up on this one Peter). It's like an entire world that has concerns that don't even remotely match the ones that I have outside of the school. I don't know if writing any of this has actually helped, but it might have. In the very least I can go back and read it just to remind myself of what I want to work on in my life. I need as many reminders as I can get that I can invite people to movies, or go out for coffee, or ask for their MSN and it won't be seen as weird or nosy or problematic.
I don't know if this is where I was going with the first try (I've saved this as a draft about ten times since that point), and I can't say if it is better or worse. I'll just have to trust that God has spoken to me regardless, and maybe even to one of you, though this seems to have been mostly a self-serving rant. Sorry it's so long.
I think I'm really tired now. Jeff and I are going to Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy on Saturday night at 7:20 at the Sunridge Theater, if anyone wants to come.
G'night.

Imminent. It's Imminent

So, for those of you who didn't know, I graduated yesterday. Kinda. Essentially, I had one class that I have to finish, but they did not tell me about it until the beginning of the semester. Because I had to work, I did not have time to take a class on campus, and since they were not offering the class online, I had to take it from another institute. Unfortunately, due to a series of unfortunate events, I was not able to start the class in time to actually finish it in time to technically graduate. However, they understood that I did all that I could and it was essentially their fault that things worked out as they did, so I was allowed to walk the stage as though I had graduated. Now graduation is over, and I still have a class to finish. Sigh.

Why do I do these things? If I could answer I would.

Do you want to know the definition of difficult? It's deciding to fast, and then spending the next two days working in a restaurant (I was there for over twelve hours both days), and then spending the next day going out for meals twice. I have never wanted to eat something so badly in my life.
Other than that, though, it went well. I have never actually consciously fasted before, besides the traditional 30 Famine. I wasn't quite sure what to expect, to be honest. There was part of me that was hoping for a rending of the heavens and God's voice to come booming down at me, answering all of my innermost questions (Why was there only one girl smurf? I mean, seriously...), but that did not happen. On the other hand, well, it wasn't as hard as I have previously said that it was.
There were times when I almost forgot that I was fasting so I would almost grab something off of someone else's plate (never a customer's, in case you were wondering), but other than that, the decision not to eat was a rather easy one. On the other hand, it wasn't quite as easy to try and focus my thoughts onto God and his teaching.
I was asked today what the purpose of my fast was, and to be honest, I'm not really sure. I had no clear purpose in fasting, but I do feel confident that it is commanded of us by the Scriptures, so I figured that from time to time it would be a good idea to actually spend some time engaging in this spiritual discipline. Over those three days, however, I did feel a touch more...settled, if that is the right word. I'm really not sure how exactly to describe it because it was intensly subtle. I don't know if I will ever look back at this as a major spiritual high, or as a time when I was taught many great lessons by the Almighty. Rather, it will be a time that, when I look back at it at all, I will just see that I was held in the hands of God in a way that I noticed ever so slightly more than I normally do. During those three days I was safe. Isn't that a feeling we all want?
I guess I still have a great deal more to learn, about fasting, about God, about myself. It never gets easier does it? Well, the least I can do is enjoy the ride.

My mind just did not want to engage in anything silly like THINKING today.

I wrote my test on Friday, and I passed. Yay. Right now, that is all I have to say.

Even my brain hurts....mmmm...cake

Well, today, I came to a decision. I currently only have a job, not a career. This isn't terribly surprising, but I was at work and I just realised that I will only last so long in the restaurant industry before I completely lose all feeling in myself. It will probably be a year or two more, but I can't see it being much longer than that. There wasn't even anything in particular that happened, but I just could feel the weight of nothingness starting to bend my back. I guess that means the next couple years are pretty important. I need to figure out what exactly it is that I am going to do with my life. Or I need to at least have something happen that will show me where to concentrate my energies.
But while I was thinking about this, I was looking at other people in my life and I realised that there was something there that I wanted. Peter has settled down, as the saying goes. He has a wife, a kid, and is starting a career. He still has to finish school, but once he is done that, he will work in any church that he wants, or that God wants him, to be more technically correct. I'm done school and I still don't know where I'm going in life.
Chris is done school and doing a job that he loves, even despite the hardships that go with pastoring a small-town church with limited attendance. He also has a wife and child and is settled down nicely.
Scott too has become a father, and he is currently in school for an engineering degree, something that I'm sure he is going to great as. Seems to be right up his alley.
Heck, even Jeff seems to have some idea about where his life is going. I'm starting to feel like I'm the only one who doesn't have a direction, and it's starting to wear on me. There is only so much that I can do at a restaurant, and I feel that I'm reaching the end of my time there.
Well, I guess that I will figure it out eventually. My first task is to write my abbreviations test again. Everyone has to re-write it this week, so I'm doing it tomorrow. If I fail I could get taken off the schedule until I can pass it, and I'm not feeling completely confident about my chances. As anyone who knows me can tell you, little details are a major struggle for me. I really have to concentrate to remember specific things. Random details about completely useless things seem to stick, but that's different than specific details. I am a big picture person. If I have a goal, then I can see what the finished result will look like, and I can see where I need to go, but how to actually take that information and fill in the little steps is completely baffling to me. Which means that writing out the nine ingredients that comes in our Classic Nachos (Corn Torts, Queso, Tomatoes, Lettuce, Sour Cream, Guacamole, Mashed Black Beans, Jalepenos, and Mixed Cheese)is tough, especially when they are similar, but not the same as our Nachos Grande (Chips, Queso, Chile, Mixed Cheese, Jalepenos, Chives, Sour Cream, Lettuce, and Pico de Gallo)(I only missed one ingredient that time...the Chives). So I write that on Friday between my morning and evening shifts. Could be a long day.
On a completely different note, I'd like to say that I really like the Talking Heads. If you don't know who they are, then let me tell you. They are a group from the eighties that did music that was a little...different. My favourite songs of theirs are "(Nothing But) Flowers" and "Wild Wild Life". They are a bit odd, which I guess is what attracts me, but they aren't just mindless musicians. For example, "Flowers" is a very ironic song. The words say how much he misses the modern conveniences ("Dairy Queens, Honky Tonks, and Seven Elevens") now that the world has returned to nature and they are all gone. Obviously, the exact opposite is happening as civilization continues to encroach on nature. So it's got a message. And it's just a catchy tune.
Maybe I'll explore this more later, but for now, I'll say "See y'all later".
See y'all later.

I think that androids DO dream of electric sheep, but that's just me.

The war has been over for a while, but we're all still paranoid. Society as it used to be is completely gone, but we're slowly rebuilding. And then we start getting buzzed again. The alien ships circle our compound lazily, high above us, almost impossible to see. The two new guys climb up to the top and start firing the missiles, taking six or seven rapid fire shots, connecting enough that there is only a couple ships left. As usual, they don't even try to dodge our shots, just continue flying in their patterns. They circle around and come back. This time only one of six shots connects. The second ship actually seems to move to avoid being hit, though it is hard to tell. The remaining missiles will fall to the ground somewhere. "We can't worry about that," someone says dispassionately. "That's just a price we have to pay." But I am saddened. What if they hit another compound like ours?
And then the new guys make a discovery. A previously unnoticed button on the missile launchers - a homing device. The steady tone indicates a lock on the remaining ship. One shot, one kill. We're safe for now.
A couple government men show up, checking for whatever it is that they check for. They ask a couple questions and seemed satisfied with our answers. They walk away and I quickly follow. As they reach the hallway end and open the door, I ask if I can join them as they check out the rest of the compound. They, of course, say no, but I argue with them, and continue walking with them as they go outside.
Outside, I notice a large box. My younger sister has clambered on top and is opening the crate. It is one of our bomb boxes, as we call them. Noticing the government boys, she calls them over. "These aren't bombs," she says, almost accusingly. It's the government's job to supply us with the bombs we need to fight the alien menace.
The g-men gasp quietly. One of them reaches into the box and says "This is an old trivet." A trivet is a weapon no longer used, one covered with sharp spikes that fly out as deadly shrapnel when it explodes.
Suddenly "It's armed!" from someone, and then the world explodes into motion. A group of children that had been playing nearby is bowled over by one g-man, and I'm flung behind a metal barrier by the other.
"Johnson did something I never expected. He gave his life protecting those kids. None of them were hurt. My brother also survived, though Carl, the other agent, was cut up pretty bad. But this God awful war had found itself two more victims."
I don't know how I heard those words, but they were the last thing I heard Suzie say. Between the explosion the the spikes, there was nothing of her left. I came to a few minutes later and rose to my feet. There were people standing around, looking sad, but resigned. This had happened too often, someone dying. But it's different this time. My sister is dead! I screamed wordlessly and threw a broken knife at the pockmarked wall where Suzie had met her end.
I've been numb for a while now. It hurts so much. But today I saw a baby, just old enough to make faces and smile. There is a future possible. Can I find it?

That was a dream that I had this morning. Even now, some 12 hours later, I'm still feeling the emotional impact of the events that occurred completely in my mind. It felt so real and I was so emotionally wrapped up in what was going on. I really was in a future that had been ravaged by an alien war, and my sister really did meet her end at the hands of a deadly weapon. It does not happen all the time, but often enough I am completely overwhelmed by a dream I have. Sometimes I am affected for a couple days in a row. The feeling of what happens in the dream completely saturates myself, and it takes a couple days to throw that off.

Many people have different opinions about what dreams are. I think that sometimes God can really speak to a person through their dreams. And other times dreams are merely an amusing release of the subconscious. I really do believe that, for myself anyway, that some of my dreams are simply entertainment and nothing more. The really abstract ones that seem to be an amalgamation of every action movie I've ever seen are particularly amusing. But then I have the dreams like last night, which are entertaining, but are set apart by the emotional aspect. I don't really know what to make of those. It's not always sorrow. Sometimes I wake up angry enough to beat a Wookie at holographic chess (ooh, a geeky reference yet again). Other times in a sense of pleasure and accomplishment. Pretty much any emotion can be in there, it just depends on the dream. But for whatever reason, I'm completely affected by this emotion, it is something that sticks with me for a while, until the memory fades over time. This time, however, I wrote it down. I don't want to forget this emotion. I want to affect other people in this same way. Maybe these dreams are a key to that.

The Inevitibility of my Geekiness

So those of you who know me might be inclined to ask themselves "Why Spider-man?" Well, there are many reasons, but I will give only a few, or however many I feel like typing out at the moment. First of all, his powers. He's super strong, which is cool. Extremely flexible and balanced, which leads to some really cool and different looking poses, as well as just being cool. His agility, combined with his speed, also comes in handy for keeping him in the game against foes he has no chance against.
But his greatest power is the ability to stick on walls. That was completely unique when he was created, and frankly, it has only been copied (and not very successfully) since then. If I could pick one power, that is the one I would take. The spider-sense is nice, being warned of impending danger and all, but really, it's much cooler to be able to walk on walls. You'd never have to worry about crowded sidewalks again. The best part of it all is that it is purely natural for him, just like it is natural for a spider to crawl across the ceiling of your house. When he stands on the ceiling so he is eye to eye with someone, only he is upside down, that is so awesome. Plus it gives him a sweet psychological advantage. He's used to it and competely able to cope, but even the most hardened criminal is thrown slightly off balance when dealing with someone who is casually standing upside down on their ceiling, staring them straight in the eye. It's awesome.
Next, the full mask. Creepy, mysterious, and an actual GOOD DISGUISE. Seriously, who wouldn't recognise me if I threw on some spandex and put on a pair of glasses, or took them off, whatever the case may be. I wear different clothes all the time, yet people seem able to recognise me. Weird. The half mask that covers the hair and eyes (and often nose) is not a bad compromise, but even that seems to be pushing it a little at times. At least the full face mask will muffle the voice. For the sports fans among you, think of it this way. If you never saw him in an interview, you would never know what Patrick Roy really looked like because he spent his entire career with his face covered by a mask. The most you could say is that he had eyes, and you could maybe say the colour, depending on how good your TV is. Yet everyone recognised Wayne Gretzky, or Mario LeMieux, or Bobby Orr, because their face was showing. Sorry, I've dwelled long enough.
Next up is his character. I think that Spider-Man has something to teach everyone about character and perseverence. The situations that he gets himself into and out of are amazing, and it is not just about the power. I know that he is fictional, but sometimes fiction can be valuable in teaching. The thing about Spidey is that he is not doing what he does for any sort of personal reasons, yet it is not completely big picture noble either. Early in his career he messed up (his uncle died because he didn't act - the comic and the movie are both exactly the same in the spirit of that, though it was presented slightly differently between the two), and ever since then he has been acting so that no one else's uncle/father/mother/grandma/etc will die because he did not act. Even when it is not safe or smart, he keeps trying. Even when he should lose, he keeps trying. Even when he stands no chance of winning, he keeps trying. Again, because it is fiction, he usually succeeds, even when the same real life situation (if such a thing were possible) would see him failing miserably. But here's the thing. His success is almost entirely limited to his fights with his supervillains. Being Spider-man completely ruins his social life. He is constantly standing people up, his school grades suffer, his family thinks he is lazy and irresponsible, but he keeps doing what he is doing, to help people who hate him because he does not want any one to experience what he experienced.
Finally, at least for now, is his wit. It is mostly a defense mechanism, something he does to cover his fright, and to keep others off balance. I can identify with that. There are times when I myself (and I know this will be hard to believe) am a bit of a smart aleck. Often, when I'm in a stressful situation I turn to humour to make sure I'm protected from the negative vibes that might be flying around. And there are other times where I'm just a funny guy. The same with Spidey. He is a bit of a clown at heart, at least when they are doing him right he is. In my mind, the best Spider-Man stories are the ones where he is lipping off left right and center even as he is avoiding punches that will disintigrate concrete. It's just something that amuses me.
Anyhoo, that's a bit of why I like Spider-man.
Toodles
Darrell

And then I ATE the cheesetoast.

Well, work today was kind of weird. Actually, it's been an interesting week all around. So far this week, we have had two servers fired, one quit, and one of our cooks was talking about quitting. He had a long meeting with the managers, and I have no idea if he is staying or not. They are starting to crack down on everyone being late because, well, everyone was coming in late. That's not completely true...not everyone was coming in late. But a large number of people were habitually late, or missing shifts and not getting them covered, or calling in sick ten minutes before their shift started. So all of this was going on, and yet I was feeling chock full of Benergy*. I was bouncing around, feeling happy, loose, energized and ready to go. I really don't know why, it was just one of those random bouncy days. I bet tomorrow's nothing like that.
Work in general is going pretty good right now. I'm not quite as busy as I was a few weeks ago, thank goodness, but I'm still keeping busy enough to pay the bills. My back is really sore today, but a good rest will clear that right up.
I'm going to go now, but I'm glad I could share a piece of my world with you. One of these days, I'll figure out how to post a picture up here, or something like that. Maybe I'll start a webcomic. Those are fun.
Toodles

*Benergy - n. - the energy that causes one to bounce around and do random, yet amusing, dances, a la Ben Kroeker*
*Ben Kroeker - Betty Crocker's* son
*Betty Crocker (aka Betty Kroeker) - the woman featured in the February issue of Reader's Digest. She's a fitness instructor.

"Can't Sleep, The Clown Will Eat Me"

You know, I've never understood the fear of clowns. I'm amused that it is common enough to have it's own name - Coulrophobia. And I don't want to make fun of anyone who has this particular fear, but I really don't get it. I suppose I've never had a reason to find a clown creepy, so it's never bothered me. In my mind, clowns, even the evil ones (and trust me, there are evil clowns out there - You know who you are!!!) are basically cartoons that have decided to walk among us. They are almost cuddly, in a weird sort of way. A very weird sort of way. A very very very weird sort of way.
Very.
Essentially, this is a mindless sort of posting, which will be fairly common. Just like most things, it will take some time for me to find an identity for this particular forum.
My car's name is Vanessa.

Creation....and monkeys!

Almost created my first BLOG today, but decided to hold off for a while. Felt that I had to write about it and share my decision, so I created a BLOG. Felt conflicted. Thought about monkeys. Would they really do well in a battle against ninja penguins? Probably not, especially if they are psycho.
Is this just a taste of things to come.....