But...I don't want irritable bowel syndrome. The rest sound okay.

I would never want to get medicine that I saw advertised on TV, even if I needed it. Have you ever seen those commercials? In a one minute ad (because they are never just a short thirty second ad...sometimes they're even longer than a minute), I'd say over half of the ad is listing the possible side effects.
"Possible side effects include nausea, gum bleeding, diarrhea, vomitting, weight loss, weight gain, irritable bowel syndrome, heart palpitations, runny nose, gas, ear leakage, toe fungus, swelling of the fingers, knee pain, swollen joints, inflamation of the sphincter, back pain, increased blood pressure, increased chance of stroke, increased risk of heart attack, increased risk of brain tumours, 45% greater chance of contracting mad cow disease from chickens, a desire to vote early and speak loudly about it, the ability to enjoy Pauly Shore and Denise Richards movies, and an aversion to being polite in public".
I don't know how the announcer in the ad can remain so cheerful while saying all of that. I realise that almost every medicine has some sort of side effect, but the ones on TV seem a bit excessive.

Also, I was at Safeway again and the debit machine went down again, and the person at the head of the line tried to use his debit card. If one more person had tried it, I may have snapped and started throwing grapes at random people. Actually, I might do it anyway.

I spilled milk on my computer

I hear people say that they have a hard time with the concept of faith. It seems that when it comes to believing in God they don't like the idea that they have to take certain things on faith. The 'secular' world seems to run on certainty (and sometimes it seems like religion is starting to lean that way as well) and on tests that can be proven. No one wants to deal with having faith. The problem I have with that notion is time and money. First, the easy one: Money. If you go to a store and buy something, then you are exhibiting a great deal of faith because the money used for that purchase has no value on its own. Think of it - a piece of oddly manufactured paper (they apparently use old blue jeans!) is exchanged for something and everyone accepts it. The same paper with a different colour and number on it is worth more or less despite the fact that it is basically exactly the same. If you don't have cash, you use your credit card, something that takes even more faith because that is telling the business that they will be given a predetermined amount of money which you will pay off later. Electronic banking means that actual money never need be used, leaving people with numbers on a computer screen or account print out. Money, without faith, is meaningless. We have faith that the number we see means something and that it has value. All it would take is for enough people to decide that the bits of paper with numbers on it don't mean anything at all and the world's economy would collapse. Since that would be a bad idea, however, most people continue to buy into the faith based money system. Before money, people traded goats for camels, cattle for women, and spices for services. That made sense because it was something being traded for something. Currency is nothing more than a system of faith. As for time, that is a bit more tricky because time exists. The earth rotates, the moon waxes and wanes, and people grow older. Because we are stuck in the dimension we are in, only able to access time in a going forward manner, we can say that time exists. However, why are there sixty minutes in an hour and 24 hours in a day? Why do some months have 31 days, some 30, and one only 28 or 29? Why does the calendar have a leap year every four years? It's completely arbitrary. Every day is roughly equal if you just follow the moon and the sun - but we could make each hour ten minutes long, each minute forty seconds long, and each second two hours long (please don't check the math on that) and if everyone agreed, then that is what time would be. Daily cycles and monthly cycles are the most constant time we have, but if we followed those, then the year as we know it would change. A year is not exactly 365 days long (hence leap years), so January would eventually be in the middle of summer and chaos would reign. Unless, by faith, we accepted that time worked differently than we do now. Time exists, but how we measure it takes faith, takes believing in something we cannot see (though we can experience). Everyone who has ever looked at a clock or bought a clock lives by faith, even as they reject the idea of believing in a God by faith. That's my take on the matter.

Also, Nettle.

Almost Forgot

Hope everyone had an enjoyable Christmas and can relax at least a little bit before the new year hits. I updated Nettle today. My auto-reminder didn't remind me yesterday and I almost forgot, but fear not, Thunderfunk the Superchicken has returned once again.

Who the heck is Eve?

I have worked enough retail to be very patient when I am shopping. Things go wrong, situations arise beyond my control and the poor girl working the till for minimum wage has no power to change anything, so there is no use getting upset at her.
Today (Christmas eve!) I came the closest I've ever come to swearing at another customer.
Here's the scenario: My day started out on a bit of a frustrating note as I got an email (on Christmas eve!) telling me that the gift I ordered almost two weeks ago is out of stock and that my order has been cancelled (on Christmas eve!). So now I have to figure out what to replace that gift with instead.
I then have to go to work (it's still Christmas eve!), and on the way I stop at my other job so I can sneak in (through the front door cuz the store was open)(on Christmas eve!) to find out when I work next week because I forgot to do this before.
I then go across the street to Safeway to buy a deli sandwich and some fruit so I have something to eat for supper, since I am working all day (it is about 11am, Christmas eve!) and would get grumpy if I got too hungry. I get to the store and find that it is very busy, which is not terribly surprising (it is, after all, Christmas eve!). I grab my three things and head to the checkout. As I am standing in line, the debit machines go down.
This is where my customer patience comes in. Though I am in a bit of hurry, I do realise that technology doesn't work (especially on Christmas eve!) and that it is not the store's fault. But they make announcements over the P.A. and at each till that the machines are down and though they are trying their best to correct the problem, right now debit cards and credit cards will not work and that there is an ATM at the front of the store. I don't have any cash on me, so I head to the ATM, getting there before the rush and grabbing my cash. Minor annoyance ($1.50 service charge cuz the machine was not my bank)(also, Christmas eve!), but it happens.
I then go back to the line. I decide to go through the self-service checkout because the line is shorter and it serves two tills instead of one, so hopefully that means I will get out quicker. I am the third person in line, and there are two guys ahead of me with almost nothing to purchase.
The far till comes open, so the first guy in line heads to scan through his stuff. I stand, waiting patiently, listening as the announcement keeps coming that though they are trying their best to fix the problem, it is going slow (likely because it is Christmas eve!) and that the problem is at the bank's end, and 'thank you for your patience'. There are probably four more of these announcements as I wait.
The line is going slower than I anticipated, so I look at the people at the till nearest to the front of the line. They are trying to buy two canteloupes but don't have the PLU (I have no idea what that means, but it does not mean Christmas eve!) and they seem unable to find the product listed in the menu. After fighting with it for a while the light above the till goes red, signalling that the clerk needs to come over and fix the problem by scanning her card or voiding the transaction or something. She is busy at a different till, so after waiting a few seconds the people just walk back into the store. We wait a minute longer, wondering if they're coming back. When it is obvious that they aren't, the man in front of me, who only has a gift card to purchase, steps forward. The clerk arrives just then and resets the scanner so he can buy his card.
He scans and hits the button that says he is done and wants to pay.
AND THEN HE SWIPES HIS CREDIT CARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Understandably, the card does not work. So he tries again. I bite my tongue and take a deep breath. There are two tills, so hopefully the other one will be free soon. I look at it and see the man standing there, looking puzzled.
AND THEN HE ALSO SWIPES HIS CREDIT CARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After they both try this a few times, both machines freeze up and become unresponsive, esentially meaning they cannot be used anymore. And then people behind me get to go before me because I had fruit that is sold by the kg and needs to be weighed, and the woman in charge of the self service tills can only check out people who don't have food that needs to be weighed. I am getting antsy at this point, and my arm is getting tired (and it is Christmas eve!), so I go back to the 12 items or less lane, which is moving slowly, but is moving.
I finally get to put my items on the counter and I'm standing there, waiting for the woman ahead of me to pay. She gets her total...
AND PULLS OUT A DEBIT CARD AND SWIPES IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That was when I almost swore. At the two guys at the self-service checkout lane. They were still there. I couldn't get too upset at the woman ahead of me - English was obviously not her native language and she was an older woman. But I did have to bite my tongue when, having been told that the credit cards were now fixed and going through, she pulled out a second debit card. I was about two seconds away from offering to pay for her just so I could finally get out of the store (because who wants to be stuck in Safeway on Christmas eve!), but she then pulled out a bag (and yes, it was actually a bag) of cash and paid the $20 for her items.
I finally got out of there about an hour after I went in. To buy three things.
On Christmas eve!

Update and explanation

I updated Grasp the Nettle again. It is a Christmas themed story and takes place in the middle of the previous chapter. It is somewhat extraneous to the story and if you do not read it the entire story will still make sense...or at least as much sense as it ever makes. It also leads into next week's chapter (I've worked ahead some on this story). Also, it is not a happy Christmas tale, so if you want a funnier Christmas story, read the Thunderfunk chapter from last Friday. That one's funny...at least, I think I'm cool.

Lock 'em up

The weather outside is frightful, that's for sure. It has been snowy and cold here for the past couple of weeks and things aren't looking to be any better any time soon. But growing up in Saskatchewan has given me the ability to at least tolerate miserable weather like that. As I often say: I'm used to it and can handle it, but that does not mean I like it.
Of course, with the snow comes bad driving conditions - every intersection is covered in ice and going anywhere takes longer because ya gotta drive slow or risk plowing through someone.
However, the icy conditions brings out one of my greatest driving pleasures. On the side streets that don't get plowed, the snow piles up and gets packed down until there is an inch or two thick layer above the asphalt. It is very easy to lock up the tires and skid if you're not careful. Or, if you're like me, if you just love doing it.
For some reason, I love slamming on the brakes on icy streets, intentionally locking up the tires and sliding along. I love feeling the moment the tires lock up and the car is just sliding. I look at the speedometer and even though it says we're going 0 km/h, the car is still moving. I only do it when no cars are around and at relatively slow speeds. But it gives me great pleasure to hit the brakes and skid. I don't know why.
Does that make me weird?

Mwa ha ha ho

Update:

Christmas is coming.

That is all.

Telemarket this

I hate telemarketers.
Okay, that's a bit harsh, I don't actually hate telemarketers - I just hate dealing with them. I have had lousy jobs in my life and I know that these people are just doing their job. That is why I don't like when they call me - I can't just be rude because that is uncalled for, but I really, really, really, really don't care about whatever they are talking about. And it is always the same thing: they read from a prepared script (unless they have read it so many times that they have memorised it, in which case they are just reciting it), and after a bit they say "so Mr. Ulkiristsitensdt...son, can we sign you up for the service (or get your permission to continue or...whatever they're selling)?" The worst part is when I say no, they continue on trying to sell me their product, like I was just testing their resolve and now that they have persevered I will surely purchase their product. But when I say no, what I mean is "no". It's pretty simple. But again, they are doing their job - they are not supposed to accept no as an answer. Drives me crazy it does.
This past week, I had a 1-800 number call me six times in six days (including twice in one day). I finally answered it, figuring it was something like a problem with my credit card or bank problems; you know, something wrong. Instead it was the bank trying to sign me up for some sort of insurance or something.
I have a method for dealing with them, though. I wait for that first break, say no thank you and then hang up immediately. That way they get to have their little say and I don't have to waste too much of my time.
I still feel bad, though.
Now go do something useful.

Laughable, but not in the funny way.

Today I rented all three Mission Impossible movies. The first one is a really good movie. Maybe not quite the same as the show, but still a good movie. I would say it is a continuation of the show. SPOILER ALERT! The Jon Voight character is the team handler, the same character from the TV show (they had even asked the same acter to reprise his role), and he feels that he has been left behind and ignored and that he has no place in a post cold war world, so he sets a complex plan in motion where he could betray his employer, get ten million dollars and retire. The show was him running his team and performing the tasks, the movie was him having grown tired and jaded and, well, evil. Some purists were unhappy with the treatment, but I think it was a somewhat natural progression, or it at least made sense, even if it was not ideal. And the movie itself was good. Also, interestingly enough, the main character (Tom Cruise) never actually fires a gun in the entire movie. That is somewhat odd for an action movie, but I like it.
I have not watched the third one yet, but I remember it being....meh. Fine but nothing spectacular.
My problem is with the second movie. First, Tom Cruise's hair is too long. I just don't like how it looks.
But my main problem is how much of the plot revolves around his actions relating to the love of his life, his soul mate, his reason d'etre. The woman he met ten minutes before jumping into bed with her. That part I can understand - it's pretty common in movies and for better or for worse, it is not unusual. What bugs me is how much of his action is driven by his deep love for this woman he barely knows. He spends a grand total of two days with her at most and we're supposed to believe that he has such a deep and profound connection with her that they can communicate wordlessly and she is willing to infect herself with a virus that will kill her in twenty hours unless she is given the antidote. It would actually be a very effective story if this was a woman he had loved for a long time, if this was in fact a woman he could have truly loved. It would be a tragic story and quite powerful, but instead it is just irritating. This woman he is willing to risk his life for, that he would do anything for, is not even in the third movie at all. How much of a true love could it really be?
Honestly, it is actually making every scene between Cruise and the girl (Thandie Newton, incidentally) laughable. The passion in his eyes, the burden of the difficult choices he has to make, the emotional connection that is between them all makes me roll my eyes and root for the bad guy to shoot her. Or him. Or both. I'm not terribly fussy. Seriously - two days!!
Plus, the shirt she is wearing is terrible.
Really, the entire movie is laughable and I can't believe it was successful enough that they made a third.
Two DAYS!

I don't get it.

I just don't get it. In sports, the players are always in unions, which makes sense. In that way they are no different from most proffessions out there. But I do not understand how these players unions can get away with blocking so many things, and appealing so many decisions.
I was just reading about 'the Pittsburgh Drug Trials' of 1985 where a large group of baseball players (mostly Pittsburgh Pirates) went before a grand jury and testified about cocaine use in baseball. The trial led to several arrests and convictions of drug traffickers, and many baseball players being suspended for a full year. After some bargaining, the players were allowed to play, but they had to donate a percentage of their salary to an anti-drug program, and complete some community service. Then the league tried to have mandatory drug testing for the players (I'm not sure if it was for all players in the league, or just these players), and the union would not allow it! My question is 'why?' Why would you stop the testing of these players? What possible reason could there be? This isn't even a steroid issue, which at the time was perfectly legal I believe, and not really an issue (I don't think many players were quite on the 'roids yet, though that was coming). This was a matter of an illegal drug. What possible reason is there for not allowing the testing for a drug that is known to be a problem? I don't by an invasion of privacy argument because the ones who are doing something illegal should be caught, especially if it is causing a problem (and being addicted to cocaine is an issue that causes real problems). The league is a business and it should have the right to ensure that its employees are following the rules in place. Those players who were not doing anything wrong would have nothing to worry about because they are doing nothing wrong.
And these player unions do stuff like this all the time. They are always appealing punishments and blocking policies and generally being a nuisance. I don't think that the owners of these teams should have carte blanche to do whatever they want, but the unions go too far, constantly allowing players to get away with stupid stuff all because they are trying to 'protect the players'. Hockey is especially bad. Any talk about suspending a player for rough play is met with immediate outcry from the player's union (that should have been hyphenated every time I used it in this post, but I'm not going back to change it)(consarnit) that the league is being too harsh and that they are just trying to look out for the suspended player's best interest. Meanwhile the guy he hit from behind into the boards can't play for three months because of a concussion. Yeah, I think you are protecting the wrong player.
I guess I see the usefullness of the unions, but I hate what they have become.
Consarnit.

The Superchicken

I updated Thunderfunk again last night. Next week I will go back to my regular once a week schedule for both stories. Unless I stop paying attention again.

John Mayer ft. Jay-Z. It's coming, I can feel it!

Aging is hard for most people (myself included) to accept. No one wants to get older once they reach their early twenties. To be young forever, but no longer a teenager.
But I thought of a benefit to aging. There are many, I'm sure, and here is one. I grew up with 80s music (ah big hair bands, how we miss thee), and then into the nineties (ah boy bands...I just threw up a little in my mouth). What this means is that I am old enough to remember different eras in music - and I am old enough to realise that what is popular now will not be the mainstream popular thing forever.
Why is this a benefit? Because right now I am not particularly happy with the two biggest music trends of recent times, namely rap and "John Mayer" - the soft, sensitive, guitar playing singer/songwriter. I'm not saying that either are bad (okay, I am saying that about rap)(and about half of the Mayer-clones)(three-quarters), but I am saying that it is not my cup of tea. But because of my experience with Vanilla Ice and Europe (the band, not the continent)(though I enjoyed the continent) I know that some time from now I will have something else to complain about as the mainstream popular music that defines the children these days, who never call their parents enough, listen to their music to loud and never have any respect for their elders, consarnit!
How I long for the days when I will be senile and allowed to not wear pants because I 'forgot' (crazy Grandpa Darrell forgot to wear his pants agin).

I made a mistake

I realised last night that I had updated Fools of us All twice in a row last week. So this week I will be updating Thunderfunk the Superchicken twice, and then I will get into regular scheduling once again. Do you ever write a sentence and realise that it has become grammatically terrible, but instead of changing the whole thing you just change one or two words at the end, thus somewhat changing what you were trying to say and making the whole thing sound awkward? I do. I'm not sure if that means I am lazy or just stubborn.
Anyway, enjoy Thunderfunk.

Bah

Today I went to work, yawning the whole way because I never go to bed on time and it was eight in the morning when I got to work (I know, not very early, but when you don't go to sleep until one a.m. or later, then 8 in the morning is early). I sat down and started checking my email to see what I had to do in the four hours I was scheduled. I was only scheduled for four hours because on Saturday I was scheduled for twelve hours. Add that to the eight hours I was scheduled for on Thursday and that is my 24 weekly hours at the church (and then I work 24 more hours at the paint store). The church sometimes schedules me that way so that they aren't giving me over the 24 hours and paying me overtime unnecessarily, which is fine by me because I don't want to work that much anyway.
The first email I check is one from my boss to someone else at the church (I was cc'ed onto it) who was wanting a room set up for a meeting that morning. The email said that we would be unable to set up the room because there were no custodians on site on Friday (today) morning. I was confused, as I was already at work. So I went over to the handy schedule that was hanging on the wall and check, and sure enough I was scheduled to work from noon to 8pm.
Well that just ticked me off. I had a schedule at home and I had checked it and I was supposed to work 8 til noon and have the afternoon off. I was looking forward to the extra time, I had a good supper all planned and was going to relax and take it easy. But suddenly I found myself with four hours with nothing to do, and then I had to come back to work after that. I couldn't believe they would change my hours and not let me know specifically and plus, that meant I was scheduled for nearly thirty hours this week. I drove home feeling quite disgruntled. First thing I did when I got home was check my copy of the schedule, just to reconfirm that it said I was to work 8 to noon, just like it had every other time I had checked it this week.
Have you ever picked up a book that you read in your childhood many times, but have not read in a long time, or maybe watched an episode of an old cartoon that you used to watch when you were seven. Even though you would be hard pressed to come up with anything too specific off the top of your head, the second you read those words or watch that show you recognise everything you see, and you would know if anything was changed. The viewing/reading brings back all sorts of memories of that book/movie.
The second I looked at my schedule, I realised that I had been reading it as noon-8pm every time, but somehow, even when I read it as such, my mind decided that meant I worked from 8am-noon. Why? I have no idea.
I have never been so irritated to not start work until noon in my life.

Jean Claude

I miss Jean-Claude Van Damme. There was something fun about his movies...some of them anyway. He was perfectly at home with the standard 80s action flick, with the added bonus of his martial arts training. So there was everything that could be enjoyed about an Arnold or Stalone movie (explosions, fights, bad accents, etc), plus he could totally go ninja on a person. While I...uh...respect Chuck Norris for his, well, Chuck Norrisness, he just seemed to be completely about the Kung Fu. And then the Cowboy Fu (Walker Texas Ranger, anyone?). It just wasn't the same. 80s kung fu movies were different from 80s action movies, except for Van Damme. He could do it all.
What was the turning point? I have no idea. He just faded away, and ended up with Universal Soldier 2, which makes me die a little inside. The nineties were not kind to that man, and he really has not been on the radar for quite a while.
I recently came across this clip from a JCVD movie, and two things crossed my mind. First, why is the fight so slow and stilted. The actual fighting part of the movie looked like it was filmed in the early seventies, on TV, and just put on better film. Van Damme was an extremely talented martial artist, plus he studied ballet for five years, and while, as a guy, I am legally obligated to mock him for that (tee-hee), it does mean that he would have the grace and fluidity to make amazing fight scenes look that much more impressive. So why does it look like every punch was recorded separately from the next punch. It was boring and pointless.
The other thing that crossed my mind was that I had seen this before, and it made me sad, because all sorts of memories about the movie came back, and every one of them was fill with incredulity - the entire movie is completely ridiculous, and not in the good or fun way. Just the sad way.
And now I hear that he is working on Universal Soldier 3. If he does go through with it, it had better make everyone forget about part two. In fact, part of the third movie should explain how Universal Soldier 2 was a bad (very bad) dream and did not actually happen. That'd be nice.
In the meantime, I guess we'll all have to be satisfied with another update at Grasp the Nettle.

Fresh Prince

Will is/was set to direct a remake of The Karate Kid. I...I don't know how to feel about this.

The Jibblies

The more I think about it, the more the ocean creeps the bejeebers out of me. I'm not talking about sharks, which at least look cool. It's things like this. Look at that thing...it just looks mean and menacing. I think the jerky motion of the camera on the video in the first link is because the creepy squid thing is trying to take over the camera operator's mind. THEY HAVE POWERS! And this is just the tip of the iceburg.

What about this guy? What's up with that? It's unsettling somehow. It looks like it has given up on fighting gravity.

This fish looks like it is not quite finished. Somehow the proportions are off, making it hard to look at.

I may have nightmares about this oddly hinged mouth coming at me. It's almost as though a mouth somehow sprouted a tail.

Heck, pretty much everything on this page is vaguely disturbing. Check out the bottom four pictures - they don't even know WHAT THEY ARE!

There are things down there. Scary things.

Read some Nettle and forget the troubles of the deep for a while.